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Old 12-08-2007, 01:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default suggestions/comments plz

You force your lifestyle in me, but there is no chance in success

this dimming light in my life has caused something to happen,
i cant conrtol where i go,
or what i tend to see.
why would you want to control it?
why would you need to approve of what i do or where i go?

giving me a call on something so futile,
is like little kids trying to tell you something,
that really isn't as important.

its my life that you seem to be controlling for me,
and its not working for me.
you make me feel pain and misery,
even when i dont need it.

you get me at my worst times,
especially when im in a state,
where i become an easy target.

so one question.
is it fun for you?
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Old 12-08-2007, 01:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Its a cool lyric, but theres nothing really special or not special, you need to get some punchlines in to it if you know what I mean. And maybe change some of the language like "fun" to something a bit stronger.
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Old 12-08-2007, 02:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Too angsty.
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Old 12-09-2007, 07:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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my poetry tends to be really angsty.
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Old 12-09-2007, 07:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You force your lifestyle in me, but there is no chance in success

this dimming light in my life has caused something to happen,
i cant conrtol where i go,
or what i tend to see.
why would you want to control it?
why would you need to approve of what i do or where i go?
(change what i tend to see and keep your tenses the same)

giving me a call on something so futile,
is like little kids trying to tell you something,
that really isn't as important.
(beatiful stuff right here)

its my life that you seem to be controlling for me,
and its not working for me.
you make me feel pain and misery,
even when i dont need it.
(change not working for me, you sound like a pissy girlfriend, when i dont need it doesnt seem to fit too well with pain and misery, make it more sad)

you get me at my worst times,
especially when im in a state,
where i become an easy target.
( going into detail about the state might end up nice, not really neaded tho)

so one question.
is it fun for you?
(perfect way to wrap it up)
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