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Old 12-22-2007, 04:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
Ace
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 730
Post Meh...need some opinions

This one has really handed me alot of trouble.
It's more of a personal story, but it could be adapted to music very easily.
It took me forever to finish the last 8 lines, and I'm still struggling with how it kind of lost touch with the original concept.
In the second half, I use "never fade away" instead of "always stay the same", and it's been a difficult choice to make.
I really can't decide which one I should stick with. I had also written, "All those who wronged me, but never myself", another way.
I originally had, "All those who've done me wrong, but never myself". But I can't decide on that one either.
It seems like I had so many different plans for this, and it kind of drifted off course from what it was originally intended to be.
I personally like the finished outcome, but I can't help but wonder where I could have taken it.
I'll have a mod change the title of this thread, once I think of a suitable one.
Any comments will be appreciated.

In fact, I'm going to completely rewrite the last 8 lines.
They need to keep the same consistancy so they'll flow better.
The entire thing goes to hell with the end, so I'm going to fix it where it matches the first part of this.




12/21/07 - 12/22/07


Caught a glimpse of your face
And I thought it was the sun
The image was so bright, I could barely see
Just who it was

For so long, you were away from everyone
So broken down and disconnected
So distant from the world

Over time, old wounds have been healed
But the scars they left behind, will never fully disappear
So accept that some things will, always stay the same
In a world so full of change

So full of what we've come to fear

--------------------------------------

When tomorrow is today
Don't wish it was yesterday
You can't count on the past
To keep the future away

When change comes to your door
Embrace it like family
There's nothing strange about the
Sun when it shines on a new day

--------------------------------------

Had a chance to escape
All the worries of the world
I'm glad you felt like coming
But I'd rather be, here alone

I've got too many, troubles on my mind
And I can't help but feel a little
Lost and overwhelmed at times

In my life, I've come to forgive
All those who've wronged me, but never myself
So I guess that some things will, never fade away
In a world so full of blame

So full of what I've come to feel

--------------------------------------

With time we all grow old
And yesterdays come and go
With no more love left to give
Our lives will soon begin to end

When death falls at your door
Embrace it with sympathy
And feel sorry for the way that
It can't take the life of a new day

So don't be afraid
Of what tomorrow brings

Don't be afraid
It's a new day


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Last edited by Ace; 12-22-2007 at 05:13 AM.
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Old 12-22-2007, 11:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
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favorite line:

In a world so full of change
So full of what we've come to fear

i think you should use "always stay the same" instead of "never fade away"

"fade away" in general is over used i think.

i dont really like:

When tomorrow is today
Don't wish it was yesterday
You can't count on the past
To keep the future away

When change comes to your door
Embrace it like family
There's nothing strange about the
Sun when it shines on a new day

at all. Or the last


With time we all grow old
And yesterdays come and go
With no more love left to give
Our lives will soon begin to end

When death falls at your door
Embrace it with sympathy
And feel sorry for the way that
It can't take the life of a new day

So don't be afraid
Of what tomorrow brings

Don't be afraid
It's a new day

those two both sound way too preachy to me.

other than that, the first two verses are very good i think.
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Old 01-27-2008, 11:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 6
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This is beautiful!
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