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Old 12-22-2007, 10:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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look up at yourself.
when you look again you wont see me.
ill be gone and out away from you.
as long as that makes you happy.
i know nothing else will.
i've tried everything.

if you see someone on the street.
with a guitar dressed in black.
know thats what you created.
not what i chose.

if i look like im willing to do anything.
to sacrifice what you did.
dont be shocked.
it was your fault.
just remember you made what i am.
i had no choice...

im choosing my own lifestyle.
just stop pressuring me to hate myself.
i already have hate toward you.

--

the writing i have been pushing my pencils to write
have all been a story told about you.
if you haven't noticed the anger and depression in them
there is no way that you would have seen that.
because you asked me questions
questions that beheld my emotions.
and i just left.

you kept me in tact with your wandering eye.
wondering where i was going or what i was doing.

you never just leave me alone.
or let me roam through fields anymore.
its because of a small thing.
that led to something bigger.

i cant believe you deprived me of such great happiness.
due to a small consideration.

if you dont see the hatred i write about in this.
i dont think you ever will...
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Old 12-22-2007, 10:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Don't make me shoot you......
Toooooo angsty.
"The writing I have been pushing my pencils to write"
That line needs to be done away with completely.....fill me in on what you're trying to do with this. Is it a poem, or lyrics? Either way, there should be some kind of consistant structure and theme to the whole thing. I think you stayed true to the theme, but even so, it's a theme that is very much overused. Let's try to work the bugs out of this. Study other poems or other lyrics, and learn from the styles. Don't copy what you see, but learn to apply different methods and create your own style.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-22-2007, 11:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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this is my own style. its about my life, thats why its so angsty. ask anybody who has read my poetry. its how i write, i will not change because of the criticism of a few people (not you).
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Old 12-23-2007, 01:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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If you don't want advice, then don't post on the forum. But seriously, ask anyone, it really needs work (this one atleast). Might be good to you though. But once again, if you don't want criticism, don't post it in a forum where it is meant to be criticized. Good writing.
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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no no, im sorry. you said that i have to create my own style. i was simply telling you that angsty is my style. I appreciate the critisism and advice.
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Old 12-23-2007, 12:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Well yeah, it's good that it's your own style, but it is an extremely overused style. There's nothing wrong with expressing angst or anger or anything associated with those feelings, but you don't want it to where people can say, "it's the same old crap all over again." It's just a subject that generally gives everyone a wrong opinion right from the start. I guess what I'm trying to get across is, people will generally get the impression that you're whining about something. Angst, when properly expressed, is good. But it can also be a terrible turn off, if all you do is complain through an entire poem or song. I'm not just saying this because of this piece either, it's something that I dislike with alot of bands that I actually enjoy listening to. Repeatedly writing about a particular area of emotion, is just not going to get good results.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-23-2007, 12:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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ahhh i know what you mean. and actually i have never heard this from anyone. I appreciate this a lot because if i were to look through the poetry i've done, i would notice the smae thing you're talking about right now. I try to get the point across as best as possible. Sad but true, i dislike this piece i wrote now that i look into it. It's not your fault that i dislike it, i just see a lot of whining in it. But ill get going on my next piece and hopefully ill see more fit to like it. Thanks
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Old 12-24-2007, 03:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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No prob. Stick with it.
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