|12-24-2007, 09:05 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2006
bit of a xmasy seen to it
sitting next to you without cheer
ill be alone on christmas.
ill sit by the fire wishing something else to happen.
be next to candlelit scented fire casting through the walls of my house.
and the strengths of my soul.
new years eve will come up.
and ill still be sitting there.
wishing i was with that person,
hoping they will know,
and jump into the sky and fly to me.
they would spread the wings.
and fly like an angel,
and brighten the sky im looking at.
i see images in the stars.
i see you and myself sitting next to a pile of leaves and snow.
wishing upon stars on new years day.
if only that could happen...
|12-25-2007, 03:24 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2006
I know I'll probably come across as a guy who does nothing but give critical remarks, but I'm about to comment on this one too. I like the subject alot better than the rest I've seen so far, so that's an improvement. The first lines are all alright, except for fire being repeated twice without much delay. "Jumping into the sky" may mean catching a plane, and although people may understand it, we need to make sure everything is coherent all the way through. I have no problems with the third stanza at all, other than changing "the" to their. "Their wings" would make alot more sense. Also, repeating stars in the last stanza, is just like repeating fire in the first. Rework it a little bit, and this one could be good.
Also, a good tip would be to make sure everything is is coherent, by clearing up minor grammar infringements.
"I'll sit by the fire wishing something else to happen." It would flow alot better if it were,
"I'll sit by the fire and wish for something else to happen."
You get the picture.