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Old 08-19-2008, 07:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Getting a $250 Ticket for BS
Exposing the exposed
We loathe those who owe
back taxes, bank loans
child support, let alone
alimony the phony fix that doesn't fix it
sexists process I contest to amend don't get it twisted
A man is a man not a nine number digit
a woman for that matter the same, what the fuck is this
Pulled over by smokey, cause my tint is resistant
to those who oppose the constitution, and my rights in it
the right to my space, and that that's within it
the right to drive safe, and at the speed limit
but the problem is that's not the way this guy sees it
It's his job to rob and steal and appeal to the district
the judges whose names are framed with their image
on the walls of the halls we most hate to visit
choose to resist, what they wish to impose
be stronger then them, better then those
who instead of side stepping, would step on your toes
when right is projected wrong is exposed.
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i prefer foreplay. the orgasm is overrated.
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Old 08-19-2008, 09:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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What did you get the ticket for?
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Old 08-20-2008, 03:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Window tint too dark.
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Originally Posted by cardboard adolescent View Post
i prefer foreplay. the orgasm is overrated.
If you're posting in the music forums make sure to be thoughtful and expressive, if you're posting in the lounge ask yourself "is this something that adds to the conversation?" It's important to remember that a lot of people use each thread. You're probably not as funny or clever as you think, I know I'm not.

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Old 08-20-2008, 06:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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^ That's absurd.

I love this piece. It's very real, and honest, speaks the truth and the voice isn't shaking, either. I always like this type of stuff. I wouldn't change a thing. This isn't a constructive response but I felt compelled to tell you how much I liked it and appreciated it's voice.
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Old 08-20-2008, 07:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Noice.
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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^ That's absurd.

I love this piece. It's very real, and honest, speaks the truth and the voice isn't shaking, either. I always like this type of stuff. I wouldn't change a thing. This isn't a constructive response but I felt compelled to tell you how much I liked it and appreciated it's voice.
Thank you
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cardboard adolescent View Post
i prefer foreplay. the orgasm is overrated.
If you're posting in the music forums make sure to be thoughtful and expressive, if you're posting in the lounge ask yourself "is this something that adds to the conversation?" It's important to remember that a lot of people use each thread. You're probably not as funny or clever as you think, I know I'm not.

My Van Morrison Discography Thread
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Old 08-27-2008, 12:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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What did you get the ticket for?
wasn't it obvious? "cause my tint is resistant "

Not bad Jay, of course this may work extremely well to music... as a written piece I felt the beginning and end flowed nicely and the middle not so much. A lot of the end rhymes and phrasing were like mini stop signs for me but overall I felt it was well thought out.
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Old 08-27-2008, 03:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Whatsitoosit View Post
wasn't it obvious? "cause my tint is resistant "

Not bad Jay, of course this may work extremely well to music... as a written piece I felt the beginning and end flowed nicely and the middle not so much. A lot of the end rhymes and phrasing were like mini stop signs for me but overall I felt it was well thought out.
Thanks for the comments, it was not well thought out however. All of my poems are free lance stream of conscious, you sort of have to get the cadence of that middle section to make it work, otherwise there are too many words that rhyme to really keep the tempo. It's written in the a style common in African English language Poetry I am quite fond of. The first and last stanza's are just traditional rhythm and phrasing. Nice catch by the way on the formatic change.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cardboard adolescent View Post
i prefer foreplay. the orgasm is overrated.
If you're posting in the music forums make sure to be thoughtful and expressive, if you're posting in the lounge ask yourself "is this something that adds to the conversation?" It's important to remember that a lot of people use each thread. You're probably not as funny or clever as you think, I know I'm not.

My Van Morrison Discography Thread
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Old 08-27-2008, 03:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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ahhh, gotcha (makes sense)... it seemed like you had a plan, I just didn't catch onto it. Anyway, good job... even if you didn't sit there working things through, it reads as a well put together piece of poetry.
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Old 08-27-2008, 03:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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ahhh, gotcha (makes sense)... it seemed like you had a plan, I just didn't catch onto it. Anyway, good job... even if you didn't sit there working things through, it reads as a well put together piece of poetry.
I have a plan when i write in terms of what I want to talk about, but if I edit and rewrite etc. i find I am never happy with the end result. Thanks again for having a look.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cardboard adolescent View Post
i prefer foreplay. the orgasm is overrated.
If you're posting in the music forums make sure to be thoughtful and expressive, if you're posting in the lounge ask yourself "is this something that adds to the conversation?" It's important to remember that a lot of people use each thread. You're probably not as funny or clever as you think, I know I'm not.

My Van Morrison Discography Thread
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