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Old 08-22-2008, 09:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2
Default Feedback on LYRICS

Hey guys so i am not a professional writer at all but here are some of my old writings, basically unedited, some were fashioned to be poems, some lyrics, and others just writings of whatever kind. I would like advice or comments on my material, and i want to know honestly what you guys think...

I think some criticism is key to becoming a better writer... : )

(sorry for no titles but like i said this is not organized)


As time passes me by everyday
Fleeting moments of contempt fly away
Never able to hold on to the memories
Itís all crumbling in front of me
I fall down, but I rise up
And some days I feel like giving up
On love, on you, on me
Im moving fast but staying in place
Who is going to save me from the haste
Why do I dwell on the past
Trying so hard to make it last
I fall again, and thereís no getting up
There is no savior, with the answer
What is this feeling?
What am I after?
Troubles fill my mind to the break
I see my life as an empty glass
Abandoned high on a shelf
Collecting promises
Wanting to be filled with truth
But all I can see are my own eyes
Reflecting back my battered soul
A failure sits in front of me
Faltering away to darker days
I fall down, but I rise up
And some days I feel like giving up
On love, on you, on me
Traveling fast, but stuck in place
I wait for your call everyday
Disappointment no longer fazes me
Those fleeting memories are all I have
Kissing the pain away
That smile that cannot be replaced
Every time I saw your face
Id fall down
And you would help me rise
And today im giving up
On love, on you, on me


Whose reflection is starring back at me?
I donít recognize it as me
What change caused this hole?
All that stands is a former soul
Selling yourself just to get by
Lingering the streets at night
Hoping to awake in a dream
On your knees in a bathroom stall
Heís not your savior tonight
Knight in business amour
Calls your name
He moans out his love for you
And calls you sweet names
He loves your pretty lips
That wrap around his felt-tip pen
(not finished)


Beautiful girl you once used to be
Where she is, it's a mystery
Face so pure and sweet
The boys had no chance to even keep
ĎBut now they are talking
Dirty minds
Finding the time to reticule
Intoxication of the emotional state
There are wounds bursting to break
Falling out of the way
She takes the wrong path
Find the place, to feel so sweet
Fake smiles in a broken girl
Southern Comfort consumes her world
Mary and Jane are imaginary friends
They just suspend the pain in suspense
To cover up the game
Dissolve the fame
For you are flawed
Throw it away
Flush everything down the drain
Departing quietly to a unsought grave
Fleeting lives are a waste
With no receipt
Return renewed
To the bittersweet
But who am I deceiving
Oh, only me


Life is a journey,
That is what you say
Taken out on one shot,
You should have never been found
Now I see six feet under ground
Further and Further down
Taking you somewhere, your not prepared to go
And I saw you down
And I saw you go
Sip from the devil
Overthrow the hell
I own the heart of a liar
So sit and dwell
Did you hear it from the grape vine
While gossiping and drinking wine
Taking hits to the brain
You are going insane
Stop living in vain
Live it up
Why donít you just live it up
And just give it up
She's gone now
So far now
Let go of the past
Take off the mask
And crash first into the dance
Thickening fog rolls past
Obscuring my judgment and view
Itís killing all hope, it's killing all feeling
So save yourself
Thatís all thatís needed
Sheís gone, oh so gone
Drawn away, like a fawn in may
Look to the sky, it feels so high
And it shines so bright
See the light fighting the night
You are the lucky one
It shines bright on you
But for other the demons break through
Shadowing the fortress
Taking over lives
Falling on their faces
Just to see to sky shine so bright
Looking for the light in the sky...


Emotions running through my head
Conflicting with my mind again
Swelling with distorted dreams of grandeur
No fairytales or golden paths
Only melancholy melodies flowing over amber lit roads
The trees cave in
Swallowing me whole
Just like my heart
And this worn soul
Crying out to live again
To be freed of a depression
Transient memories of heavens hell
Sweetest memories ive ever held
Sorrow looms ahead
Time will only tell
If I can return to Heavens Hell
And once again be in sweet misery


Its funny how time passes you by
Our relationship grew so fast
Its funny how fate comes about
And how destiny lies in secret
This relationship we have its something special
And these feelings I carry, pack on the pressure
What are these emotions
I just can not describe
They are constantly overwhelming me
Taking over me
I am lost in the rapture of you
And I feel like I cant let loose
And I try to let it all go away
And I need to break the chain
But im lost
In the rapture
Of you


Last edited by libertine86; 08-27-2008 at 02:00 PM.
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