For Rap I would suggest:
-Re-doing the entire thing
-Writting in a paragraph what you want to express
-Writting in another paragraph how you want to express it, who the perspective is from, what is it about, who are the characters (things can be characters to), possible similies/metaphors, etc
-Condense, condense, condense! For poetry, make four lines mean more then twenty, try and reflect life in as little words as possible. For rap, make like four lines mean at least ten of those.
-Look up writting strategies and try to apply them, rap and metaphors stick to each other like glue
-Take as muuuuch time as it takes to be literate, and be patient with your brain. It's either done good or done fast. Choose.
-Have some insight in it, I personally love things I take something away from
I hope I helped!

Thanks dude thats really helpful!
Yeah I'm scrapping this one anyway, but yesterday my friend and I made a satire for the rapcore scene music, and he put it on our soundclick.

its here: SoundClick artist: Obbo and Fisch - page with MP3 music downloads
if anyone cares.
oh, and he recorded it with his phone, so the quality sucks. but here are the lyrics:

Now listen how we got this ****
Its mad skills with Obbo and Fisch
If its 40s you want then we got it bitch
If we up in the club gonna get your ass hit
What the **** you here for cant even get a chick
Got sluts in the back just for my ****
You’re all –Man this show is super sick
And I’m on the dance floor with the new scene chick
Cause of all this liquor I’ve lost my wits
My visions blurred and I feel sick
Got bitches on me like they can’t resist
I’ll beat a mother ****er that gives me lip
Cause your girls on me –Bitch don’t get pissed
Or I’ll get your blood smeared on my fist
I got more scene pussy and huge tits
Than Willy Wonka’s got peppermints

Just snap your ****ing fingers and clap your ****ing hands
Getting crunk up in the club but we don’t really wanna dance
We don’t give a flying **** about style or the bands
We just want these bitches to take of their shirts and their pants

Snap your ****ing fingers and clap your ****ing hands
Crunk up in the club but we don’t really wanna dance
Don’t give a flying **** about style or the bands
Just want these bitches to take of their shirts and their pants

Guess who, guess what, mother ****er guess where
I’ve got skinny jeans and neon shirts and jet brown hair
Bust caps in the club like I don’t ****ing care
Back off the scene girls I don’t wanna ****ing share
So if you see us rolling by you, close your hands and say your prayers
Cause for us to leave you living would be pretty ****ing rare
My gat is like my sharpie, we make a damn good pair
I’ll pwn you in the street, let the police sirens blare
You think this **** is easy cause what I say is true
It’s just about as easy as hair spraying my do
I just got this bandana don’t start me on my shoes
Cause mother ****er everyday I’m wearing something new
I know your ass ain’t talking **** bout me or my crew
Cause we’ll kick your ass to the grass and brutalize you
Picasso couldn’t paint something as ****ed up as you
And when mama sees her baby boy she’s gonna wanna sue

Just snap your ****ing fingers and clap your ****ing hands
Getting crunk up in the club but we don’t really wanna dance
We don’t give a flying **** about style or the bands
We just want these bitches to take of their shirts and their pants

Just snap your ****ing fingers and clap your ****ing hands
Getting crunk up in the club but we don’t really wanna dance
We don’t give a flying **** about style or the bands
We just want these bitches to take of their shirts and their pants

Snap your ****ing fingers and clap your ****ing hands
Crunk up in the club but we don’t really wanna dance
Don’t give a flying **** about style or the bands
Just want these bitches to take of their shirts and their pants

Hip Hip Hurray for yur writing ! Excellanta!! Now thats really something!! AND you had it going on! Loaded with expression and experience! It just semed a little too long .

thanks mate haha that was a while ago

still i think that last one was fukking brilliant!

haha if you want to hear a semigood recording of it by me then go to
Two Step Tags on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads
we're still working on recording these other 4 tracks. we just studio equipment last week, but ACT is next week so we've been pretty busy with that. haha
anyway yeah add us and within 3 weeks we'll have 4 new songs up INCLUDING a hella better recording of "Don't Really Wanna Dance".

thanks for the support, really didn't think it was all that good, honestly.

tschus

Rap?, i don't really consider "Rap" music. but the lyrics aren't to bad but they should be reorganized.

How would you do it then, in all seriousness?

what i meant is that a verse shouldn't be a page long, atleast not in modern music. but its your song do it however you want.

Dude, its 16 bars per verse? I don't understand your point; please elaborate.