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Old 02-02-2009, 03:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help with these lyrics would be much appreciated

This seems to be a common thing but whatever.
I've always loved poetry and music, and after my girlfriend left me about a month ago,
well this weekend I listened to like 10 hours of Hollywood Undead, 3OH!3, Wired All Wrong, and Family Force 5.
I got up sunday morning and wrote nonstop.
I think it has potential to be at least a little bit okay.
But not many of my friends are into this.so help would be much appreciated.
here we have it:


Slap me, stab me
Shoot me, make me
Hate you, Iíd hate to
Be phased over your face for too long
You ask me if somethingís wrong
No itís just a ****ing song
And no, from me nothings gone
And even now I couldnít stop King Kong
You know that beast inside of me
My rage, anger, and fury
The mask I put on to assure me
That the world aint the ****ing jury
And youíre not the only person who can cure me
Surely from this sorrow
This **** will end tomorrow
Cause everyday I have to borrow
Smiles from your face like stolen cargo

Iím never gonna give them back
Someoneís got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night Ďfore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Even though now it donít mean jack
My god, now Iíve had enough, see

Why do you torture me so
With the knowledge that we know
This is unnecessary though
Yet you continue to be there
In the hallway on the stairs
Out of us, only me cares
How the **** did we get to that
I thought it was fine where me and you sat
That day I was taken so aback
In the position that I was at
Because of what we had
Iím mad and Iím sad
And I really highly doubt
With all that you brought about
This was the necessary route
Iím ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out
Even thoughÖ

Iím never gonna give them back
Someoneís got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night Ďfore I hit the sack
Think of the time said you loved me
Even though now it donít mean jack
My god, now Iíve had enough, see

It used to be
I didnít have to fear the day
When your words would hit me like a freight train
A couple of times it nearly came
Or felt that way
So Kalt wie Schnee
Yet everyday I hear your name
And see your face, itís nearly the same
This dreary game and searing pain
Iím about to break, so clear the way
Nonetheless, Iím here today
Not sure if I wanna really stay
I mean, I know itís over
And now Iím a loner
But never in my life have I wanted you closer
Cause now everything feels colder
Said me, ďI just want to hold her
Talk for 5 hours cause I phoned her
And say ich lieb dich like I told herĒ
I wish these times were like the older
You called me a dork
I got you that spork
The hat from Warped Tour
14 no less or more
My face on your phone
Thatís the Łber bones
Birthday graffiti
And loads of CDs
A purple one right
Had a Fight Club night
Painted your dresser
V for Vendetta
Bakerís-Halloween
You know what I mean
Dizzy Balloon rocks
Peace from Arkansas
Scared you after dark
Then met the gang at the park
Went to Quarantine
Then the Chittyville scene
Dinner at the Branch
Then Homecoming dance
The witch on my door
Yeah, our house for sure
Your lips are sticky
And now itís just FICK DICH
I hate all these ****ing memories
ButÖ

Iím never gonna give them back
Someoneís got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night Ďfore I hit the sack
Think you did all that stuff with me
Even though now it donít mean jack
My god, now Iíve had enough, see

Iím never gonna give them back
Someoneís got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night Ďfore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Think of the time you said you loved me
Think you did all that stuff with me
Didnít think youíd had enough of me
I guess youíre really above me
If Iím inferior then **** ME
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Old 02-06-2009, 07:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Really, any feedback or comments would be very helpful.
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme.
there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea
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Old 02-07-2009, 05:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aveneficus View Post
all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme.
there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea
If I were to redo it, then what would you suggest I change?
Perhaps to make it more original and unique; or is it at the point of no return
and there is no way to recover this one?
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Old 02-13-2009, 10:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny

"And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong"

"his was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out"


But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality.
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Old 02-14-2009, 03:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shoe View Post
Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny

"And even now I couldnít stop King Kong"

"his was the necessary route
Iím ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out"


But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality.
Any suggestions, mate?
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Old 02-14-2009, 04:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Structure! Writing in a four line structure would be easier on the eyes and making it easier see ideas develop.

If it's a song, make sure you have a melody to it with a four line per stanza. If it's poetry...make it shorter. I would never read any poetry that long. Even if it's a masterpiece. Ideally between 16ish and 40ish for poetry, you have over a hundred.

Plus also make it meaningful. It seems like you just thrown every thought possible into it. I would condense it by eliminating at least half of it. Also it would clean out the dreary lines. There are so many ways to make writing interesting, use exaggerations, subtle metaphors, wordplay, masterful vocabulary. A lot of this is direct, simple, and a little dull for me.

Good luck writing though, practice will only make you better.
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Old 02-14-2009, 04:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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This is my first song.
But it isn't a rock song, the verses will be rapped and I am still debating on
whether or not the chorus should be rapped,or sung, or screamed, or what.
Anyway, thanks for the input!
I think that I'll do a little revision, because a lot of people have said similar things.
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Old 02-14-2009, 04:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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If it is a rap, do a HUGE revision and add in a lot of wordplays and metaphors.
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Old 02-21-2009, 11:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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when you rhyme, get a good rhyme scheme or dont bother at all. as you want to rap this, its good that you ended the lines of your stanzas wierdly so that people know its all one long run-one sentence. on the other hand, Double X is right, shorten your stanzas so its easier to read
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