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Help with these lyrics would be much appreciated
This seems to be a common thing but whatever.
I've always loved poetry and music, and after my girlfriend left me about a month ago, well this weekend I listened to like 10 hours of Hollywood Undead, 3OH!3, Wired All Wrong, and Family Force 5. I got up sunday morning and wrote nonstop. I think it has potential to be at least a little bit okay. But not many of my friends are into this.so help would be much appreciated. here we have it: Slap me, stab me Shoot me, make me Hate you, I’d hate to Be phased over your face for too long You ask me if something’s wrong No it’s just a ****ing song And no, from me nothings gone And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong You know that beast inside of me My rage, anger, and fury The mask I put on to assure me That the world aint the ****ing jury And you’re not the only person who can cure me Surely from this sorrow This **** will end tomorrow Cause everyday I have to borrow Smiles from your face like stolen cargo I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack I see your face in front of me Even though now it don’t mean jack My god, now I’ve had enough, see Why do you torture me so With the knowledge that we know This is unnecessary though Yet you continue to be there In the hallway on the stairs Out of us, only me cares How the **** did we get to that I thought it was fine where me and you sat That day I was taken so aback In the position that I was at Because of what we had I’m mad and I’m sad And I really highly doubt With all that you brought about This was the necessary route I’m ****ing steaming and pouting And ****ing screaming and shouting I need all these feelings out Even though… I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack Think of the time said you loved me Even though now it don’t mean jack My god, now I’ve had enough, see It used to be I didn’t have to fear the day When your words would hit me like a freight train A couple of times it nearly came Or felt that way So Kalt wie Schnee Yet everyday I hear your name And see your face, it’s nearly the same This dreary game and searing pain I’m about to break, so clear the way Nonetheless, I’m here today Not sure if I wanna really stay I mean, I know it’s over And now I’m a loner But never in my life have I wanted you closer Cause now everything feels colder Said me, “I just want to hold her Talk for 5 hours cause I phoned her And say ich lieb dich like I told her” I wish these times were like the older You called me a dork I got you that spork The hat from Warped Tour 14 no less or more My face on your phone That’s the über bones Birthday graffiti And loads of CDs A purple one right Had a Fight Club night Painted your dresser V for Vendetta Baker’s-Halloween You know what I mean Dizzy Balloon rocks Peace from Arkansas Scared you after dark Then met the gang at the park Went to Quarantine Then the Chittyville scene Dinner at the Branch Then Homecoming dance The witch on my door Yeah, our house for sure Your lips are sticky And now it’s just FICK DICH I hate all these ****ing memories But… I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack Think you did all that stuff with me Even though now it don’t mean jack My god, now I’ve had enough, see I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack I see your face in front of me Think of the time you said you loved me Think you did all that stuff with me Didn’t think you’d had enough of me I guess you’re really above me If I’m inferior then **** ME |
Really, any feedback or comments would be very helpful.
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all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme. there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea |
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Perhaps to make it more original and unique; or is it at the point of no return and there is no way to recover this one? |
Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny
"And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong" "his was the necessary route I’m ****ing steaming and pouting And ****ing screaming and shouting I need all these feelings out" But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality. |
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Structure! Writing in a four line structure would be easier on the eyes and making it easier see ideas develop.
If it's a song, make sure you have a melody to it with a four line per stanza. If it's poetry...make it shorter. I would never read any poetry that long. Even if it's a masterpiece. Ideally between 16ish and 40ish for poetry, you have over a hundred. Plus also make it meaningful. It seems like you just thrown every thought possible into it. I would condense it by eliminating at least half of it. Also it would clean out the dreary lines. There are so many ways to make writing interesting, use exaggerations, subtle metaphors, wordplay, masterful vocabulary. A lot of this is direct, simple, and a little dull for me. Good luck writing though, practice will only make you better. |
This is my first song.
But it isn't a rock song, the verses will be rapped and I am still debating on whether or not the chorus should be rapped,or sung, or screamed, or what. Anyway, thanks for the input! I think that I'll do a little revision, because a lot of people have said similar things. |
If it is a rap, do a HUGE revision and add in a lot of wordplays and metaphors.
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when you rhyme, get a good rhyme scheme or dont bother at all. as you want to rap this, its good that you ended the lines of your stanzas wierdly so that people know its all one long run-one sentence. on the other hand, Double X is right, shorten your stanzas so its easier to read
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