Help with these lyrics would be much appreciated (dance, house) - Music Banter Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-02-2009, 03:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 20
Default Help with these lyrics would be much appreciated

This seems to be a common thing but whatever.
I've always loved poetry and music, and after my girlfriend left me about a month ago,
well this weekend I listened to like 10 hours of Hollywood Undead, 3OH!3, Wired All Wrong, and Family Force 5.
I got up sunday morning and wrote nonstop.
I think it has potential to be at least a little bit okay.
But not many of my friends are into this.so help would be much appreciated.
here we have it:


Slap me, stab me
Shoot me, make me
Hate you, I’d hate to
Be phased over your face for too long
You ask me if something’s wrong
No it’s just a ****ing song
And no, from me nothings gone
And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong
You know that beast inside of me
My rage, anger, and fury
The mask I put on to assure me
That the world aint the ****ing jury
And you’re not the only person who can cure me
Surely from this sorrow
This **** will end tomorrow
Cause everyday I have to borrow
Smiles from your face like stolen cargo

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

Why do you torture me so
With the knowledge that we know
This is unnecessary though
Yet you continue to be there
In the hallway on the stairs
Out of us, only me cares
How the **** did we get to that
I thought it was fine where me and you sat
That day I was taken so aback
In the position that I was at
Because of what we had
I’m mad and I’m sad
And I really highly doubt
With all that you brought about
This was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out
Even though…

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Think of the time said you loved me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

It used to be
I didn’t have to fear the day
When your words would hit me like a freight train
A couple of times it nearly came
Or felt that way
So Kalt wie Schnee
Yet everyday I hear your name
And see your face, it’s nearly the same
This dreary game and searing pain
I’m about to break, so clear the way
Nonetheless, I’m here today
Not sure if I wanna really stay
I mean, I know it’s over
And now I’m a loner
But never in my life have I wanted you closer
Cause now everything feels colder
Said me, “I just want to hold her
Talk for 5 hours cause I phoned her
And say ich lieb dich like I told her”
I wish these times were like the older
You called me a dork
I got you that spork
The hat from Warped Tour
14 no less or more
My face on your phone
That’s the über bones
Birthday graffiti
And loads of CDs
A purple one right
Had a Fight Club night
Painted your dresser
V for Vendetta
Baker’s-Halloween
You know what I mean
Dizzy Balloon rocks
Peace from Arkansas
Scared you after dark
Then met the gang at the park
Went to Quarantine
Then the Chittyville scene
Dinner at the Branch
Then Homecoming dance
The witch on my door
Yeah, our house for sure
Your lips are sticky
And now it’s just FICK DICH
I hate all these ****ing memories
But…

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Think you did all that stuff with me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Think of the time you said you loved me
Think you did all that stuff with me
Didn’t think you’d had enough of me
I guess you’re really above me
If I’m inferior then **** ME
Lutherfish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2009, 07:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 20
Default

Really, any feedback or comments would be very helpful.
__________________
stimmt
Lutherfish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2009, 10:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
Groupie
 
aveneficus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 44
Default

all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme.
there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea
__________________
If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts
aveneficus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2009, 05:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by aveneficus View Post
all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme.
there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea
If I were to redo it, then what would you suggest I change?
Perhaps to make it more original and unique; or is it at the point of no return
and there is no way to recover this one?
__________________
stimmt
Lutherfish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2009, 10:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
Post Proggresive Folkcore
 
Shoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 393
Default

Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny

"And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong"

"his was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out"


But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucifer_sam View Post
If your love for music stops where you can hear the difference between 'super blackened green death metal' and 'technical zoomacroom symphonic metal', then you're a tosser in my book.
Shoe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2009, 03:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shoe View Post
Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny

"And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong"

"his was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out"


But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality.
Any suggestions, mate?
__________________
stimmt
Lutherfish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2009, 04:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
sleepe
 
Double X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: boston
Posts: 1,140
Default

Structure! Writing in a four line structure would be easier on the eyes and making it easier see ideas develop.

If it's a song, make sure you have a melody to it with a four line per stanza. If it's poetry...make it shorter. I would never read any poetry that long. Even if it's a masterpiece. Ideally between 16ish and 40ish for poetry, you have over a hundred.

Plus also make it meaningful. It seems like you just thrown every thought possible into it. I would condense it by eliminating at least half of it. Also it would clean out the dreary lines. There are so many ways to make writing interesting, use exaggerations, subtle metaphors, wordplay, masterful vocabulary. A lot of this is direct, simple, and a little dull for me.

Good luck writing though, practice will only make you better.
Double X is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2009, 04:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 20
Default

This is my first song.
But it isn't a rock song, the verses will be rapped and I am still debating on
whether or not the chorus should be rapped,or sung, or screamed, or what.
Anyway, thanks for the input!
I think that I'll do a little revision, because a lot of people have said similar things.
__________________
stimmt
Lutherfish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2009, 04:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
sleepe
 
Double X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: boston
Posts: 1,140
Default

If it is a rap, do a HUGE revision and add in a lot of wordplays and metaphors.
Double X is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2009, 11:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 160
Default

when you rhyme, get a good rhyme scheme or dont bother at all. as you want to rap this, its good that you ended the lines of your stanzas wierdly so that people know its all one long run-one sentence. on the other hand, Double X is right, shorten your stanzas so its easier to read
darkcornerinthecloset is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2024 Advameg, Inc.