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Old 03-12-2009, 11:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Taking a shot. Hoping for a score.

Lets make it a scale of 1 to 10 by .5's. Shall we?

"Nothing Honey."

Will you be dusting off the Harley now, will the old man ride again?
Will you be making it 'round the bar tonight, will your youth be found in Gin?
Your old best friend is back in town, all the lads will show.
Loudly recalling and slapping the back, of whom they wil not know.
Will you stop by at least one of these nights, before we all have to go?
Will you just stay at home, sitting with her, fearing to let that steam blow?

The questions and motives, of friends of the past, annoy and upset me this time.
Hanging up the phone, and looking at her, knowing I'm staying and drawing the line.

She wants me to go, have fun and let loose,
to forget for a while,that cruel liquid juice.
That now has to flow, in through her hand,
now that both arms, have had all that they'll stand.

Should my freinds just be told the whole Horror story,replete with the big blood spurt?
Would they all just be shocked at their shallowness exposed,
as they find out what it is that is real?
What is my motive in sharing these facts, exceptions made just to hurt?
How will they phathom , how can they see, what it is that I truly feel?

My Best Friends here, asleep and at rest, while my cell phone buzzes away.
I keep my eyes on her awakening face, as I'm gently making my way.
The phone has vibrated off of the top, and down onto the floor,
with a look she askes what it was in alarm, and, I say the same as before...
..."Nothing Honey", is still the same answer I give,nothing I'm willing to show.
Without saying a word she closes her eyes, she loves me, and that is all that I know.

7.5 for effort
9.0 for emotion
7.0 for structure NEXT?
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Old 03-12-2009, 04:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Something is wrong with the 4th paragraph. Seems to be a totally different vibe from the rest of the writing.
The other paragraphs have a playful wisdom to them, which is inviting and contains a sense of humor and warmth regardless of circumstance.
The 4th, however, jumps far off the path and sticks out in a negative way.

I think this would be perfect if you gave that 4th paragraph the same tone as the others.

BUT, it kind of works well when analyzing what the words are actually saying in the 4th paragraph. The vibe reflects the revelation.
Still seems off though.

PS.
It's "fathom"
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Umm I'd say 6.5-7.
Don't take it bad, haha, I'm a nobody but it feels a little forced and I'm not a big fan of a lot of questions in a work.
I really like the imagery and your use with words, but it is a bit much, and sometimes less is more.
Hopefully my critique was useful xD
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Old 03-13-2009, 12:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Talking Thank You; as follows,

Tead, thank you for your score, if you noticed, I scored myself high in emotion and avarage for structure, and content. This is not auto biographical in anyway. I Really had no idea at first what it was gonna end up like, like most poetry I suppose. With an overall of 6.5 - 7 I'll try harder next time.

Vertical Fiction, Thank you, I agree with the 4 th paragarph coments, no real flow. I stopped just short of an hour of work on it. I really wanted the suggestions, and the opportunity to re-write and re-submit. I am kinda bummed more didn't read it, I thought Chard or darkcorner would've taken their shots.oh yeah the thing I'm looking for is scoring in the three areas I put in, emotion, structure, content. From those i get a overall score and will re-adjust accordingly.
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Old 03-13-2009, 03:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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you make me feel so loved. . .but yeah, id say:
Emotion . .8.5
Structure. . .5.0
Conternt. . .9.5

i liked the rhyming, it wasnt too over the top. however, i personally am not a big fan of hefty stanzas, i would break them up some more. yeah, in general i liked it
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