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Old 06-29-2009, 12:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Just a little poetic bit. Give a little feedback to little old me, will you? The world can't handle much without something to recognize its existence, [after all].

MISGUIDED ALLIGNMENT


I leave a dream, and enter a dreamer's world

I leave a shadow, and it grows up to be me

I call the birds, and they fly the other direction

I cast a stone, and the splash reaches Jupiter's sea


Riding a wave is like riding your soldiers to war

Losing a life is like losing a game, only sadder

Running a race is like leaving the planet behind you

Burning a flag is like torture when it doesn’t matter


Give me some knives, and I’ll carve you a statue of love

Give me some hate, and I’ll carve you a statue of knives

The final hours, you realize, are only a goal

And the ending you’ve dreaded your whole life arrives


Mirrors are lying to you only if you distrust them

A rainbow in Heaven is monochrome if you are blind

Railroads are only a boundary for greater adventure

And leaving a world somewhat crumpled on paper behind

----

The 1st and 2nd verses are my absolute trump cards, whilst the 3rd and 4th get a bit sloppy for my taste. All in all, I'd give my own piece a [generous] 8.5/10.

Feedback in

3

2

1
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Old 06-29-2009, 12:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Conceptually I love it. Creative criticism? I think it needs to be streamlined. There are a lot of "and", "it", and "the" words that are softening the impact of the images you're invoking. It could be more detail oriented. "No ideas, but in things" as the creative writing mantra goes.
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Old 06-29-2009, 12:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I see where you're going with that, and actually agree wholeheartedly. The more I read it with your suggestions in mind, the more I realize the absolute TRUTH of your words.

Thank you for your time; I rather enjoy providing an enrichment of my own world for [and to] the individual mind [However briefly]. Man, I just want to reach out from my monitor and stamp a "Time Spent On The Written Word" sticker on your forehead. Alas, that is an impossible feat...
...for now.

[Oh well] =]
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Old 06-29-2009, 02:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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sounds pretty good, what genre is this. can you record a demo or something i'd love to hear it.
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Old 06-29-2009, 02:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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sounds pretty good, what genre is this. can you record a demo or something i'd love to hear it.
I believe its a poem
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Old 06-29-2009, 02:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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AH, so THIS is what you meant, dear stone birds. Yeah, sometimes I get into the "mood" of things. You understand. [?]

And this is of the Soft Rock / Alternative genre. Much like Coldplay [if you're familiar with their work] in their X and Y debut.

And yes. This is [indeed] a poem. -_-
Can't believe you made me forget such a crucial fact, lol. Darn my mind.
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Old 06-29-2009, 02:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Luxoran.

I read it three times looking for something to criticize. Interestingly I like the 4th stanza because it's thought provoking. I can make it mean different things, it seems.
I like the last 2 lines of the 1st stanza. Descriptive, succinct and concise.

Well, you know the saying "I'm no critic, but I know what I like"...heh heh..

A perfect judge will read each word of wit
With the same spirit that its author writ:
Survey the whole, nor seek slight faults to find
Where Nature moves, and rapture warms the mind . . .
Whoever thinks a faultless piece to see,
Thinks what ne'er was, nor is, nor e'er shall be.
In every work regard the writer's end,
Since none can compass more than they intend . . .



Alexander Pope
An Essay on Criticism
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Old 06-29-2009, 02:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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AH, so THIS is what you meant, dear stone birds. Yeah, sometimes I get into the "mood" of things. You understand. [?]

And this is of the Soft Rock / Alternative genre. Much like Coldplay [if you're familiar with their work] in their X and Y debut.

And yes. This is [indeed] a poem. -_-
Can't believe you made me forget such a crucial fact, lol. Darn my mind.
many great songs were originally poems, try it out.
make up a melody (any kind) sing however you feel it to be sung. and add music however you want. guitar, drums, piano, koto, bass, harp, birds, percussion, synth... i could add more to the list but i hope you get my point.
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