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Old 07-05-2009, 12:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Their craving obsession for agonizing contestants (lyrics)

Empty walls and a big white room
you've lost your mind,
i'm losing mine too
We've been condemned for so long now
what's wrong is right,
what's right is wrong
We've lost it all
and so they've won
They have taken it all
our sanity too
And now were trapped in this
big white room

Their watching us decompose
our minds are framed
viewed as a show
were their entertainment
and were helpless in their arms
They have our control
they have all that we own
we could never win
and now were losing ourselves

Padded walls, windowless rooms
sharp objects were taken away
there's no hope for us
to end this ourselves
There in control of our agony
and our sufferings
what they crave

Keep us here
and we'll scream out for an end
We'll hopelessly search
even knowing the truth
only they can help us
Only they can end this disgust

But the truth is simple
simple and clear
They live to watch us suffer
in this big white room
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Old 08-07-2009, 11:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You've got an interesting concept, but I want to make just a couple of points without telling you exactly what you should do here.

Now, in my own songwriting, I used to use the word 'They' allot--thinking it was appropriate (and it was) for the situtation. I guess the more and more I used it, the more and more I realized that it felt like a badly written horror movie.
Quote:
Their watching us decompose
(which would, in fact, be 'They're', but that doesn't quite matter here). You always want to give a face to your enemy--even if that enemy remains faceless. (That is, if you see were I'm going with this). Their actions can give one side, but you have to pursue a little deeper. Charles ****ens, in order to, depict the evil intentions of his enemies would openly insult them--which would, in turn, describe them to his reader in his desired light (i.e. the Swindling Pumblechook--as a note, never use the word swindling or give your enemy the name Pumblechook. lol).

Quote:
You can chew on that a bit while I fix your grammatical errors here:
Empty walls and a big white room
you've lost your mind,
i'm losing mine too
We've been condemned for so long now
what's wrong is right,
what's right is wrong
We've lost it all
and so they've won
They have taken it all
our sanity too
And now we're trapped in this
big white room

They're watching us decompose
our minds are framed
viewed as a show
we're their entertainment
and we're helpless in their arms
They have our control
they have all that we own
we could never win
and now we're losing ourselves

Padded walls, windowless rooms
sharp objects were taken away
there's no hope for us
to end this ourselves
They're in control of our agony
and our sufferings
what they crave

Keep us here
and we'll scream out for an end
We'll hopelessly search
even knowing the truth
only they can help us
Only they can end this disgust

But the truth is simple
simple and clear
They live to watch us suffer
in this big white room
Also note that each of your stanzas sort of says the same thing--they neither reveal anything new under each stanza, nor do they tell much in the way of a story. Try to approach it more like your telling us a story, and use repeating (elaborated) metaphors and phrases along uneven intervals.

peace out,
-nick
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I'd agree with Nick. We know where the "story" takes place, and how the people there feel, but not a whole lot else. The extra dimension you could give it by editing in a bit more could mean the difference between a somewhat average angsty poem, and a piece of art that demands to be read and felt.
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