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Old 08-14-2009, 07:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asshat View Post
I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.

________________________________
Red Meat

No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD

And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.

Hey asshat,
I'll review this song since of course it deals with a topic I feel is especially interesting.

First, subject matter: you deal with the issue of free choice and governmental power over society very concisely in your song. As you probably know, China uses economic sanctions currently to try to get urban dwellers to limit the number of children they have to 1 per couple. As a graduate student from China told me, no other country in the world was offering to take care of all their millions of people, so they had to come up with their own solution. You might be interested to know that increasing people's economic stability (such as with social security and retirement income) and health care is one of the best, most effective ways to get people to reduce their number of children without violating what many people view as a human right (the right to have as many children as they want, whether or not they can afford them). So, this population solution that emphasizes using people's own wisdom and freedom of choice is similar to what your song advocates as you show how awful it is when people are not allowed to make choices.

Second, the song structure and rhyming. You used a lot of rhyming and assonance (rhyming of vowel sounds) in the song. I highlighted some of these in bold and with underlines. I feel the rhyming helps hold the song together.

There are two changes I'd recommend and I hope you don't mind my mentioning them. One is to reverse the order of two of your lines to give the following:

But thats all that we eat
In the 23rd century AD
Cause there's no more red meat.

I feel this order makes the rhyming stand out with more strength.

I would also recommend changing "But's thats all that we eat" to "But that's all we get to eat" because to my ear this makes the rhythm of the song flow more smoothly (at least when I say it in my mind in a rap rhythm).

The final portion of the song...

Quote:
And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
isn't a sentence (there is no verb) and I'm wondering if you wanted it to be one? For example, do you want to say: "And the chips are in the brains" etc.?

--Erica
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 08-14-2009, 10:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hey asshat,
I'll review this song since of course it deals with a topic I feel is especially interesting.

First, subject matter: you deal with the issue of free choice and governmental power over society very concisely in your song. As you probably know, China uses economic sanctions currently to try to get urban dwellers to limit the number of children they have to 1 per couple. As a graduate student from China told me, no other country in the world was offering to take care of all their millions of people, so they had to come up with their own solution. You might be interested to know that increasing people's economic stability (such as with social security and retirement income) and health care is one of the best, most effective ways to get people to reduce their number of children without violating what many people view as a human right (the right to have as many children as they want, whether or not they can afford them). So, this population solution that emphasizes using people's own wisdom and freedom of choice is similar to what your song advocates as you show how awful it is when people are not allowed to make choices.
.....I suppose...to be honest it was based on a bunch of sci-fi cliches....like soylent green which is one of my favorite movies.I suppose China is eerily similar to a lot of the fictional dystopias. It's not so much a critique as an inevitability...we won't be able to live as luxuriously as we do now...red meat's not very healthy and they probably will come up with an abundant and nutritious paste.

I wish I could offer your level of critique, thank you erica.
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Old 08-20-2009, 10:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by asshat View Post
Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
In the 23rd century AD
Quote:
When these hands kill again
I don't know why. But this line absolutely blew me away.


As for your other pieces:

Maybe I didn't quite understand them or something, but I became a bit bored. Had some of the words been changed, and some of the ideas been altered, I feel I would be able to compare some of the lines closely to nursery rhymes.

"Hands That Kill" is really the only one that caught my eye.

Edit:

When I said that I could compare them to nursery rhymes, I meant these two:

Quote:
Tard

Shines your shoes
With a **** eating grin
Picks the horse
Guaranteed to win
If it don't win
He's the collateral
See him at the grand piano

He don't know how to make love
His only love is numbers
This retard, you see, this retard
He helps you win the lottery

__________________________
Sister

this guy here
Were all laughing with this guy here
Buy him a beer
Get him real drunk
For later

Wait til the 13th beer
Til he's so so drunk
And can't move around too good
Kick him in the balls
Slap him like a bitch
Right in the kisser
This guy, this guy
Was ****in with my sister.
But that was the wrong way to describe it.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
The rhyming just slips the entire idea of the writing into a lull.
And I'm unable to focus on the actual theme.
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Old 10-01-2009, 10:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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"these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!" is back, so look at my songs yous guys...and be blunt.
I'll provide explanations if needed...you can pick one or too you feel needs explaining.

_____________________________________________

He's fallen into a state of disrepair
He eats peanut butter and jelly
Made from apricots and pears
The only clothes of his own
Is his underwear,
They brought from home
Loafers, no laces
And on his face is a
Thousand yard stare

What did he do to be put
In this place?
What's with the
s*it eating grin on his face?

He's not going to talk,
Like hes done had a stroke
And all he does is smoke
And he pissed hiself
Christ, clean it up
No, he's not going home
Just leave him alone
To stare like a pussy
That isn't all there
__________________________________________________

I've lived my whole life
Haven't touched a single kid
But you'd almost think I did
Cause me and him
Are treated the same
Except his house was
Engulfed in flames

And all my time spent
Not commiting sex crimes
Has left me in the same bind
As the guy that touched those kids
.....That I never did that is immaterial
They need someone new to blame
After that kid-lover died
When they set his house aflame
_________________________________________
It takes time to digest
A labour intensive joke
Can't see how it would appeal
To anyone but you
Or someone who does the same
messed up things you do
It's more like a task
That takes a toll
When I'm trying to laugh
_______________________________
Shouting obscenities
For no particular reason
Someone had to learn something
He was trying to make a point
To who, I don't know
Whoever it was
Those pricks where taught
A lesson they soon forgot
The louder you shout
Makes it more legit
The more swears you use
Means it's serious s*it

____________________________________________

Absolute neutrality
Pertains to everything
I no longer have opinions
On anything
Don't ask me
Cause I don't give a F(ck
Don't ask me that
Cause I really don't care

I don't have the authority
To form an opinion
Doesn't concern me
Don't give a S)it
Could not give a care
Or take a f*ck
Or meaning
Considering that thing
You were talking
bout
doing
What?
_____________________________________________
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Last edited by asshat; 10-01-2009 at 10:26 PM.
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Old 10-05-2009, 12:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asshat View Post
"these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!" is back, so look at my songs yous guys...and be blunt.
I'll provide explanations if needed...you can pick one or too you feel needs explaining.
_______________________________________

He's fallen into a state of disrepair
He eats peanut butter and jelly
Made from apricots and pears
The only clothes of his own
Is his underwear,
They brought from home
Loafers, no laces
And on his face is a
Thousand yard stare

What did he do to be put
In this place?
What's with the
s*it eating grin on his face?

He's not going to talk,
Like hes done had a stroke
And all he does is smoke
And he pissed hiself
Christ, clean it up
No, he's not going home
Just leave him alone
To stare like a pussy
That isn't all there

__________________________________________

Shouting obscenities
For no particular reason
Someone had to learn something
He was trying to make a point
To who, I don't know
Whoever it was
Those pricks where taught
A lesson they soon forgot
The louder you shout
Makes it more legit
The more swears you use
Means it's serious s*it

____________________________________________

Absolute neutrality
Pertains to everything
I no longer have opinions
On anything
Don't ask me
Cause I don't give a F(ck
Don't ask me that
Cause I really don't care

I don't have the authority
To form an opinion
Doesn't concern me
Don't give a S)it
Could not give a care
Or take a f*ck
Or meaning
Considering that thing
You were talking
bout
doing
What?
_____________________________________________
Hello again, "these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!"

The first poem seems to be about a person in an insane asylum, and struck me as sad because of the critical way in which the man is viewed, as if he were repellent. It included interesting details that appeal to me (the type of food, the loafers, the urination). They make the poem feel very solid and specific to me...very physical. The "obsenities" poem, I feel, describes how people sometimes seem to think (incorrectly) that the more swearwords they use, the more likely the listener is to be convinced of something. The final poem, "Neutality," is, I think, a criticism of how people can be indifferent and uninvolved in life around them. I thought that following up a poem about unnecessary swearing with a poem in which there are unnecessary swearwords (shit and fuck) was amusing, as if the second poem is an example of the first.

Asshat, what I find especially interesting about these short works is the viewpoint of the speaker in them, which to me sometimes seems to be different than your own (the writer's). For example, your poem about the man soiling himself seems to show the viewer of the man feeling curiosity and some disgust, which may or may not be what *you* actually feel about this man (who I assume is imagined...or did you actually see someone like that?). The viewpoint of the "Disrepair" poem seems to be that of a worker in the facility, as well as some curious, uninvolved onlooker or visitor.

Similarly, I interpret the final poem ("Neutrality") as a condemnation of someone who has no opinions and can't be bothered to learn enough about what is outside of himself to form them. So, I assume you, as the author, actually have opinions and are writing as you might if you were a person who had none. I like the dissonance between the viewpoint presented in the poems and that which I assume the author has. I also like the ironic tone that I, at least, hear in some of the poems, such as when you write:

Quote:
The louder you shout
Makes it more legit
The more swears you use
Means it's serious shit
Of course, maybe you *are* just writing your own thoughts and views directly in the poems! Do my interpretations of the poems seem very different from what you intended them to say?

--Veg
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 10-05-2009, 05:22 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Are you writing to a beat? Or a song? Or what?
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:19 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
Are you writing to a beat? Or a song? Or what?

I honestly have no clue....the neutrality song was sort of meant to taper off like that at the end.
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Last edited by asshat; 10-05-2009 at 11:42 PM.
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:40 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hello again, "these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!"

The first poem seems to be about a person in an insane asylum, and struck me as sad because of the critical way in which the man is viewed, as if he were repellent. It included interesting details that appeal to me (the type of food, the loafers, the urination). They make the poem feel very solid and specific to me...very physical. The "obsenities" poem, I feel, describes how people sometimes seem to think (incorrectly) that the more swearwords they use, the more likely the listener is to be convinced of something. The final poem, "Neutality," is, I think, a criticism of how people can be indifferent and uninvolved in life around them. I thought that following up a poem about unnecessary swearing with a poem in which there are unnecessary swearwords (shit and fuck) was amusing, as if the second poem is an example of the first.

Asshat, what I find especially interesting about these short works is the viewpoint of the speaker in them, which to me sometimes seems to be different than your own (the writer's). For example, your poem about the man soiling himself seems to show the viewer of the man feeling curiosity and some disgust, which may or may not be what *you* actually feel about this man (who I assume is imagined...or did you actually see someone like that?). The viewpoint of the "Disrepair" poem seems to be that of a worker in the facility, as well as some curious, uninvolved onlooker or visitor.

Similarly, I interpret the final poem ("Neutrality") as a condemnation of someone who has no opinions and can't be bothered to learn enough about what is outside of himself to form them. So, I assume you, as the author, actually have opinions and are writing as you might if you were a person who had none. I like the dissonance between the viewpoint presented in the poems and that which I assume the author has. I also like the ironic tone that I, at least, hear in some of the poems, such as when you write:



Of course, maybe you *are* just writing your own thoughts and views directly in the poems! Do my interpretations of the poems seem very different from what you intended them to say?

--Veg

I guess I'll give you a run down.

1st poem-

It's about a guy in pysc ward-(I was in a pysc ward but never fouled myself)...The first stanza or two is more general. The third stanza is the people who work in the ward that have to deal with this guy. I don't necessarily feel any disgust towards this guy...I'm just trying to give a more vivid impression.I thinks there's a mixture of pity, compassion, and disgust when dealing with any down and out person.

2nd poem-

....isn't about swearing so much as irrational anger....I guess it would be like a loud rambling homeless guy...he's pissed off about something and wants to be heard, but nobody really understands what he's pissed off about so they just ignore him.Even if what he's getting pissed off at is completely bizzare or incomprehensible...it's a completely normal reason to get pissed off for him.

3rd poem-

This isn't any kind of statement...I honestly don't give a ****.
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:13 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I honestly have no clue....the neutrality song was sort of meant to taper off like that at the end.
Taper off?
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:31 AM   #20 (permalink)
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You have supreme music writing skills. No boring repeats that sound as if your head is stuck between a rail.
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