asshat

I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.

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Tard

Shines your shoes
With a shit eating grin
Picks the horse
Guaranteed to win
If it don't win
He's the collateral
See him at the grand piano

He don't know how to make love
His only love is numbers
This retard, you see, this retard
He helps you win the lottery

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Sister

this guy here
Were all laughing with this guy here
Buy him a beer
Get him real drunk
For later

Wait til the 13th beer
Til he's so so drunk
And can't move around too good
Kick him in the balls
Slap him like a bitch
Right in the kisser
This guy, this guy
Was fuckin with my sister.
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Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
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Red Meat

No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD

And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
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Prison of the mind

Make your mind a prison
It's trip to turn your brain
Into a penitentiary
And where you go
nobody knows

You be the warden and executioner
In your mind
Nobody comes inside
Nobody dares
The walls are covered with slime
And the stench of the ages
Before you die
Just make a trip
To the prison of the mind
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__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

VeggieLover

I found this one particularly interesting to me just because I've posted a poem on hands too. Very different view points, but in a subtle way the same style. You have a real gift if you can focus your attention. These are excellent poems, but to make them into music you'll have to put in a bit more structure and make them just a bit longer...unless you wanted to break them up a little bit and have them be mostly instrumentals.



I didn't like Tard just because I didn't understand it too well, and I have a particular aversion to the misuse of the word retard, we tend to make it very lighthearted, which its not.

I agree with everyone else that the last stanza of your first poem is very well written. Perhaps if you revised the first stanza a bit to reflect the last one (while still keeping its serious meaning) it would fit together a little better and better convey your point.

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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

asshat

"tard" is about an idiot savant type guy,(sort of like the rainman), he's socially inept and can barely function, but he can play the piano really well, and he's a mathematical genius.(like the rainman, if you took him to a casino you get big winnings).

"tard" is a stew of all those retard genius stereotypes.(as good luck charm, as skilled pianist, as mathematical genius).I think I watched this show this show or movie about a gangster who uses his mentally challenged brother in a game of dice or something. "tard" is just a working title, so don't be too offended.

...anyways I really appreciate your commentary guys!

...I think I might have ripped off the talking heads with the hand song.

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

FooFighting

The song contradicts is lyrics, but it's done in a way that is poetic.

I like it

asshat

....not that I'm necessarily entitled to anything, but it seems like you don't give a **** about what you just said and it could be interchangeable with any of the one-sentence criticisms you've offered other people.

This isn't a compliment club, so f-off.

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

VEGANGELICA

Hey asshat,
I'll review this song since of course it deals with a topic I feel is especially interesting.

First, subject matter: you deal with the issue of free choice and governmental power over society very concisely in your song. As you probably know, China uses economic sanctions currently to try to get urban dwellers to limit the number of children they have to 1 per couple. As a graduate student from China told me, no other country in the world was offering to take care of all their millions of people, so they had to come up with their own solution. You might be interested to know that increasing people's economic stability (such as with social security and retirement income) and health care is one of the best, most effective ways to get people to reduce their number of children without violating what many people view as a human right (the right to have as many children as they want, whether or not they can afford them). So, this population solution that emphasizes using people's own wisdom and freedom of choice is similar to what your song advocates as you show how awful it is when people are not allowed to make choices.

Second, the song structure and rhyming. You used a lot of rhyming and assonance (rhyming of vowel sounds) in the song. I highlighted some of these in bold and with underlines. I feel the rhyming helps hold the song together.

There are two changes I'd recommend and I hope you don't mind my mentioning them. One is to reverse the order of two of your lines to give the following:

But thats all that we eat
In the 23rd century AD
Cause there's no more red meat.

I feel this order makes the rhyming stand out with more strength.

I would also recommend changing "But's thats all that we eat" to "But that's all we get to eat" because to my ear this makes the rhythm of the song flow more smoothly (at least when I say it in my mind in a rap rhythm).

The final portion of the song...

isn't a sentence (there is no verb) and I'm wondering if you wanted it to be one? For example, do you want to say: "And the chips are in the brains" etc.?

--Erica

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asshat

.....I suppose...to be honest it was based on a bunch of sci-fi cliches....like soylent green which is one of my favorite movies.I suppose China is eerily similar to a lot of the fictional dystopias. It's not so much a critique as an inevitability...we won't be able to live as luxuriously as we do now...red meat's not very healthy and they probably will come up with an abundant and nutritious paste.

I wish I could offer your level of critique, thank you erica.

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

Annissette

It's disgusting(?) how many pigs you kill where you live. But, nothing to eat. Marvin *** is good for this.

Marvin's name starts with G and ends with y, the songs Mercy, mercy and I heard it through the grapevine start a collection of intriguing or up beat soul tunes. It has three letters that evidently match the censored description of a hormone imbalance.

Arya Stark

I don't know why. But this line absolutely blew me away.


As for your other pieces:

Maybe I didn't quite understand them or something, but I became a bit bored. Had some of the words been changed, and some of the ideas been altered, I feel I would be able to compare some of the lines closely to nursery rhymes.

"Hands That Kill" is really the only one that caught my eye.

Edit:

When I said that I could compare them to nursery rhymes, I meant these two:

But that was the wrong way to describe it.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
The rhyming just slips the entire idea of the writing into a lull.
And I'm unable to focus on the actual theme.

__________________

MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.

asshat

"these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!" is back, so look at my songs yous guys...and be blunt.
I'll provide explanations if needed...you can pick one or too you feel needs explaining.

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He's fallen into a state of disrepair
He eats peanut butter and jelly
Made from apricots and pears
The only clothes of his own
Is his underwear,
They brought from home
Loafers, no laces
And on his face is a
Thousand yard stare

What did he do to be put
In this place?
What's with the
s*it eating grin on his face?

He's not going to talk,
Like hes done had a stroke
And all he does is smoke
And he pissed hiself
Christ, clean it up
No, he's not going home
Just leave him alone
To stare like a pussy
That isn't all there
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I've lived my whole life
Haven't touched a single kid
But you'd almost think I did
Cause me and him
Are treated the same
Except his house was
Engulfed in flames

And all my time spent
Not commiting sex crimes
Has left me in the same bind
As the guy that touched those kids
.....That I never did that is immaterial
They need someone new to blame
After that kid-lover died
When they set his house aflame
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It takes time to digest
A labour intensive joke
Can't see how it would appeal
To anyone but you
Or someone who does the same
messed up things you do
It's more like a task
That takes a toll
When I'm trying to laugh
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Shouting obscenities
For no particular reason
Someone had to learn something
He was trying to make a point
To who, I don't know
Whoever it was
Those pricks where taught
A lesson they soon forgot
The louder you shout
Makes it more legit
The more swears you use
Means it's serious s*it

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Absolute neutrality
Pertains to everything
I no longer have opinions
On anything
Don't ask me
Cause I don't give a F(ck
Don't ask me that
Cause I really don't care

I don't have the authority
To form an opinion
Doesn't concern me
Don't give a S)it
Could not give a care
Or take a f*ck
Or meaning
Considering that thing
You were talking
bout
doing
What?
_____________________________________________

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/