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Old 09-22-2009, 05:47 PM   #31 (permalink)
"Hermione-Lite"
 
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I think you created a life for this character wonderfully.

Things I could do without (in bold):

Quote:
Evening birds and screaming children on the sunny street below the window were silenced
Screaming children almost ruined the near serene/somber setting you made for the first part of the word sketch.

Quote:
The furniture, mostly spray painted black, crouched and sagged
You used "sagged" twice in the word sketch, and it made the second time less sharp.

Otherwise, I really like it, I think.
Well done.
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:27 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
I think you created a life for this character wonderfully.

Things I could do without (in bold):



Screaming children almost ruined the near serene/somber setting you made for the first part of the word sketch.



You used "sagged" twice in the word sketch, and it made the second time less sharp.

Otherwise, I really like it, I think.
Well done.
hmm, screaming children was supposed to give an image of the neighborhood kids playing under the window...screaming. Perhaps it is the wrong word choice, would you have a better suggestion?

Where's the other sagged? maybe im just blind, but i only see it used once :O
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:30 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
hmm, screaming children was supposed to give an image of the neighborhood kids playing under the window...screaming. Perhaps it is the wrong word choice, would you have a better suggestion?

Where's the other sagged? maybe im just blind, but i only see it used once :O
Boisterous seems more playful?

You used sagged in the sixth line of the last paragraph
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:47 PM   #34 (permalink)
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oh, there it is! fixed! i changed "screaming" to unruly and the second sagged to "hung loosely" though, that might change again later cuz i dont like it quite right. thx.
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:20 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
hmm, screaming children was supposed to give an image of the neighborhood kids playing under the window...screaming. Perhaps it is the wrong word choice, would you have a better suggestion?

Where's the other sagged? maybe im just blind, but i only see it used once :O
When you describe her hair colour.
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Old 12-01-2009, 05:49 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
Hey everyone, just wrote this song a bit ago, so editing has been minimal at best. Let me know what you think, these are the first lyrics I've posted that were originally intended to be put to music. The style would be...creepy? Heavier sounding guitars and a very heavy base part. Of course, I only sing and play the flute so I'll need actual musicians to write those parts, but that's what I hear in my head

The Dance
Rats and Cats and raucous romance,
Circle around in a hypnotized Dance.
Tripping, falling, calling, bawling;
Know the steps or void the chance
Yes, know the steps or lose your chance

Dimes and fives and a long lonely drive,
Park in a line and proceed to contrive
(All the) chatting, smiling, earning, buying.
Learn the dance or be eaten alive
Yes, learn to dance or be cooked alive

{Chorus}
Twirl, leap -- a Grand Jete
March in time
We're all the same, everyday
So don't step out of the line

Where is it leading?
What goal are we seeing?

(intrumentals)

A smile a grin we're at it again
Twirling in line with our hearts made of tin
Scratching, clawing, our shallow lining
Poke through the sheet to the realm of sin
Oh tear through the sheet to the world of sin.

{Chorus}

A smile a grin, we're dying again.
I like reading your writing, I really liked Cold on the first page.

I don't know why but I'm getting a very Pain Of Salvation vibe from this one?
(which is a very nice thing)
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:20 PM   #37 (permalink)
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ha, it was weird to see my thread on the first page again... thanks for reading, Cold is my favorite too. Unfortunitely my creativity is being stifled by the amount of time i spend on school work so I haven't had a chance to write at all, very sad. Hopefully I will more now that i'm keeping a journal (again). *sigh*

And somehow Pain of Salvation has managed to escape my notice until now...but I did a quick listen, and yes, the general feeling of their music was roughly what I had planned for "The Dance." Thanks for commenting and adding this band to my "like" list!
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:48 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
ha, it was weird to see my thread on the first page again... thanks for reading, Cold is my favorite too. Unfortunitely my creativity is being stifled by the amount of time i spend on school work so I haven't had a chance to write at all, very sad. Hopefully I will more now that i'm keeping a journal (again). *sigh*

And somehow Pain of Salvation has managed to escape my notice until now...but I did a quick listen, and yes, the general feeling of their music was roughly what I had planned for "The Dance." Thanks for commenting and adding this band to my "like" list!
No problem
I've always loved PoS, changing their style constantly. Well I mean they are progressive so it's a given that they do.

'Cold' seriously needs to be made into a song, I'd love to hear it.
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Old 01-17-2010, 12:06 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default New song!!!!!!!

I just got a ukulele and can finally put music to my lyrics. I'm finding it's also a lot easier to make up lyrics when there is already music as well. I've already put the rainbow one from the very first page to music (kind of a silly kids song type thing) and here is my very first ever love song:

Inbetween Time

Running through the starlight
A pair of alpha wolves
A ballroom in the misty rain
This sweet fantasy keeps my shoulders straight
These wond'rings keep me sane

Chorus
When the distances between us
Are a calandar or two
Let us go down dancing
Betwixt the mists of time
When the distance inbetween us
Is just a calandar
Let us dance, let us take refuge
Inbetween times

Hello, baby, how are you?
It's been a long hard day,
and I've missed you

Is it love lost hold, direction,
Walking a stretched phone line?
How do yo know I love you
When you're oh so far away?
But I do.

Chorus

But the cuffs and chains that bind us
to the city walls so cold,
Responsibility, will keep us occupied
Until your paw in mine I'll hold

Hello baby, how are you?
It's been a long hard day,
And I've missed you
and I love you.
How I've missed you.

Let us go down dancing
Betwixt the mists of time
Let us go, let us go out dancing
Inbetween time.
And i love you, how I love you
Inbetween time
Inbetween time.


It ends up being about 5 minutes long..because it's very slow.
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Old 01-17-2010, 02:37 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I like this and I love the simple nature of the lyrics. In most songs, it is those simple lines that strike us the hardest. The chorus does a really good job of this, and it is probably my most favourite part of the song I'm looking forward to hearing your version of this though
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