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VeggieLovers Journey into Lyrics and Poetry
Hello Everyone, just thought I'd put up a few of my poems I found last night. As time goes on, I'll be writing a lot more with the intention of putting the words to music (hopefully with my band before they all desert me :) )
Some of these actually do incorperate rhyme (suprisingly) and I've chosen them as my favorites (for now). Tell me what you think and PLEASE don't be afraid to offer suggestions! Cold A cloud of hate engulfs us There's nowhere left to turn In this world of heavy choices Where our hope's been snipped and shorn Beyond our understanding is Where spikes and spirals grow In fields of black roses That have only thorns to show In fact this storn is moving And growing as it may A long and desprate needle That pierces the everyday This mass of heavy nothingness Will leave you broken spined Broken and bleeding With scars as piece of mind These Hands From these hands A form is born -- Sculpted from the gray. A little pot To hold a song And endure well, it may. In these hands A heart is held Delicate and free Above the rubble And the mess For all the world to see. To these hands, A dream is dreamt Though radical -- it's true building upward Through the wreck To make the dream anew Out of these hands, A spirit flies-- A feather in the breeze. An open spirit That cannot land For fear that it will freeze. With these hands, I touch your skin Though clammy now, and cold. I promise with These very hands To remember all you've told With these hands, I hold a hand So tiny still -- but soft A memory Be sure to know That love is never lost. Rainbows When little raincloud goes to bed A rainbow wrops around her head To keep her hair nice and neat Until the next time that raindrops greet When little breezes go to school Rainbow tags along, all cool Swaggering in her violet step Hope held tight in cheery grip Father Sunshine, Mother Moon, Always end the fun too soon! Swirling storms must putter out and leave poor rainbow there to pout Oh little rainbow, wait for me Tie up my shoes, so gracefully Give me a hopeful swagger too Give me the courage to shine like you! Best Friends One has a laugh that can be hear, From any corner of the world And though there are many days When hugs and whispers full of pain Can block the simle we need so much I still know I love her Another's crazy to behold With jokes that maybe shouldn't be told And sometimes we miss eachother In the day so full of stuff But I'll never stop tackling her in the hall Just so she'll know I love her The third's unique in every way And with that said, what more can I say? Sometimes I wonder how she works And if I'll ever know all of her quirks But does it really matter? No -- Because Il'll always love her We'll keep the secrets of the night And never will we let a firght Come between the bonds we've built. Through thick and thin it will endure Because we must keep on Loving us Other will come, in and out, Over the years, without a doubt. In fact, we may even grow apart, Though, we try not to consider that. But no matter where we go in life I know I'll always love them. last one!! For My Daddy Ever since that night, now so far removed From my thoughts, that scare I remember The details that would later rent me through I have missed you When I put on my make-up every morning, I remember that you said "Never forget that you don't need make-up To be beautiful" I remember how you taught me To add hundreds tgether with out giving up And how long I grinned when I finally got it. Now I'm doing Calculus. How many times did you tell me that "Communication is the key" and how many times has just talking Saved me? You said that if I walked ahead Led the group up the trail, That I'd always have time to sit And just rest. Do you know how many times I've lost your smile? Or forgotten the way you tugged on my braid every morning? Does the loss of me hurt you the way that Loss has shattered me? I wonder if you would still be proud Though I've stumbled on the way For making choices and finding me -- It's required sacrifice I wish you could still walk me to school, I don't want to sit and drive. And I cry to think how many times you'll miss Me walking 'cross the stage That night when, me so young, Cancer took you far Without warning you were gone And left on me a scar But life goes on, and Oh! How I've loved you. |
does no one have any ideas for me? I'm suprised, and disappointed :(
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What kind of music will this be?
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It will probably vary. Cold probably has the most potential for a song in my opinion....it could probably be alternative rock or indie rock. The others could be anything, i don't do very well with sticking to genres.
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Hi, VeggieLover!
I'm sorry my review arrives so late! This is a busy time of the year for maize geneticists in the MidWest. I've been out in the hot Iowan fields every day this week pollinating corn and have not had much time for MB fun! First, before I give feedback on "Cold" (the poem you can imagine most easily being converted into a song) and a little on your last poem, I want to say how well both you and your other vocalist sing in your song "Stop Here" on your group's MySpace page. The instrumentals are excellent, as well. I also liked seeing the photos of all of you in the recording studio and doing fun things together (prom, etc.!). It is too bad that your bandmates are all graduating! What will happen to your group, Snow State? Now, on to "Cold." Quote:
You next talk about the needle (so, again, a sharp object). I like the image of it piercing "the everyday"...as in piercing through to the daily life in which most of us live, doing everyday things, like buying food, brushing teeth, putting on socks, etc. etc. I have a couple word choice suggestions and hope it is okay with you that I mention them in italics below. Quote:
"You said that if I walked ahead Led the group up the trail, That I'd always have time to sit And just rest." (I would remove the second "that" because you actually write it earlier: "You said that if I walked ahead/ led the group up the trail/ I'd always have time to sit/and just rest." You have here an "if...then" statement without the "then," which is okay. I like the image of a parent telling his child not to be afraid to be a leader, to go alone.) Bye for now! --Erica Quote:
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my poems. My style generally incorperates a few different metaphors in a type of "weave," such as the sharpness that is seen throughout the poem in the thorns and needle. I agree that "snipped" is a more subtle verb, and it was meant to be. No one can really look at a group of people and tell which ones are being stabbed through with hopelessness. Our society tends to shave it away bit by bit so we won't ever know it's happening. "Shorn" is supposed to bring up an image of sheep which puts you in a field and prepares you for the next stanza. "spikes and spirals" is a personal referance (thats what my boyfriend laughingly calls me :) ) but I thought the curving images of vines fit well with the vegetation images of fields of black roses. They aren't neccisarly (arg i can't spell!) the roses themselves, but they could be. The Storm and needle (yes, supposed to invoke the image of lightning) are refering back to the cloud in the first stanza. Even in the poem it is evident that this ominous thing that we are up against is growing. "Growing as it may" is actually just the way I talk and wasn't meant as a filler, nor was it a forced rhyme, but the fact that it comes off that way needs i need to spend a bit more time in editing. You could look at this line as an indication that the storm grows of its own accord, we as individuals can't control it. I may want to add another few stanzas calling listeners to action, or mentioning something about a fight. If you've read a Wrinkle in Time, this is the "darkness" that is overtaking the planets, and it can be fought, if we stick together. As for my last poem, yes it is a cathartic writing based on my own experiences. This is the only free verse poem I posted, but it isn't in my usual free verse style. I'll edit out some of the rough spots you mentioned :) If you (or anyone else!) gets the chance, i would love to hear more suggestions! |
I'd rather not get bumped onto the 3rd page of oblivion, so here is my place holder!
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More later! --Erica |
The Dance
Hey everyone, just wrote this song a bit ago, so editing has been minimal at best. Let me know what you think, these are the first lyrics I've posted that were originally intended to be put to music. The style would be...creepy? Heavier sounding guitars and a very heavy base part. Of course, I only sing and play the flute so I'll need actual musicians to write those parts, but that's what I hear in my head :)
The Dance Rats and Cats and raucous romance, Circle around in a hypnotized Dance. Tripping, falling, calling, bawling; Know the steps or void the chance Yes, know the steps or lose your chance Dimes and fives and a long lonely drive, Park in a line and proceed to contrive (All the) chatting, smiling, earning, buying. Learn the dance or be eaten alive Yes, learn to dance or be cooked alive {Chorus} Twirl, leap -- a Grand Jete March in time We're all the same, everyday So don't step out of the line Where is it leading? What goal are we seeing? (intrumentals) A smile a grin we're at it again Twirling in line with our hearts made of tin Scratching, clawing, our shallow lining Poke through the sheet to the realm of sin Oh tear through the sheet to the world of sin. {Chorus} A smile a grin, we're dying again. |
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also remember that allot of times, the more words you have, the less melody you might end up with (and this isn't not always true). But, be aware that you may end up in more of a rap than anything else--especially because if the melody of your verse gets too complex, it can overshadow the entire purpose of the chorus. my recommendation for vocals is based on what I normally do--I connect a chorus pedal and overdrive pedal to my mike for some slight effect (if you have a good chorus, it can give your voice a sort of...thickness that you can only achieve by a multylayered track). It can also be very cheesy if you set it too wide or fast. Overdrive is only for specific points in the song where I need more confidence when I sing--and for some odd reason, overdrive gives me confidence to do a couple more things than I wouldn't normally do. I hope that helps you out a bit, else it might just be completely useless. xD I'm not going to extend my hand to help you yet as I am unsure of the nature of your music. I'd like to hear songs that you and your band write together. peace, -nick |
Thanks for commenting. I definetely need help with my chorus in the last song The Dance. It was kind of forced and I'm not used to writing choruses at all! Just some general tips or specific line changes, even a theme change suggestion would be appreciated. My bands basest is very good for the amount of time he's been playing so our songs tend to have a fun base part that he likes to play loudly (not too loudly, just enough to give us a unique sound) and he solos quite often. Our current guitarist is ok, but he's really just a beginner, and our other guitarist is very talented but a bit flakey and shy about his genius. So our guitar parts are usually ok but not astounding. If you want to hear our music just go to Myspace and search Snow State. Even if you google us our myspace comes up on the first page. We only have one song recorded right now, but its ok. It barely has any guitar at all because the guy who recorded it for us was a total stoner and decided that it wasn't good the way we play it live.
Oh, by the way, the song we have on the myspace (Stop Here) wasn't really written by me. I put in my two cents, but my fellow singer wrote the lyrics, and as previously mentioned, I don't really have much use as a riff-maker-upper. Anyway, give us a listen and maybe then you can hear the lyrics in your head and give me some pointers! thanks a bunch! |
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Hi, VeggieLover, I'd first like to make sure I understand the meaning behind your song. I see it as describing the pattern living beings follow: pairing off in romantic couples, but also combined in there is the idea of predator-prey relationships, such as when you start by mentioning cats and rats. I see your stanzas have the rhyme scheme "aabaa" and your Chorus doesn't. Would you like it to follow the same rhyme scheme or break out of that pattern? I'm assuming you are happy with it having a different rhyme scheme. If I were writing the Chorus, I would probably shift the lines around a little and change the wording a bit so that it keeps the same meter throughout and pairs up rhyming lines more like you do in your verses: Erica's version: Twirl, leap--a Grand Jete march in time don't step out of line we're all the same day after day but where is it leading? What are we seeking? I also thought "seeking" might work better than "seeing" because it sounds a little more to me like "leading" plus still carries the meaning of seeing a goal. I hope this helps! --Erica |
yes, you got the meaning behind the song. "rats and cats" are also common lab animals... I kind of meant for the song to make us think about the things we do everyday. Like a rat in a maze or a cat chasing said rat, its a kind of instinctual "blindness" that we humans are supposedly above. Are we really living and making our own decisions? or are we just doing the steps of a dance, hynotized into doing what the people around us are doing? The theme was taken from my feelings as I am reading 1984 currently and these kind of issues are brought up a lot. Actually vegangelica, the style of this song would be similar to that of Wring that you wrote, though very different, I was going for a similiar creepiness.
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hmm a rework: Twirl, leap, march in time don't step out of line Recite the good rhyme day after day but where is it leading? what are we seeking? |
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Ah, so that was the bridge! I hadn't been sure, but I decided I liked a longer chorus so included your bridge as part of it. I was reading through your song with the beat in my head and then probably just tried to make the length of the chorus close to that of the verses. I think many people prefer to make the chorus very distinct from the verses, so maybe they'd like a shorter chorus. As you know, I like long songs...much longer than most people, I think...so it is probably better to stick with your own gut feeling!:) I was reading online about pop song structure and the opinion at that particular website was that the chorus should be very short (2 lines only), should include in it a "hook"--some memorable, short phrase and hummable tune that people will remember--and the chorus should include the "hook" more than once. I thought it was interesting to learn more about this "rule" so that one can decide if/when one wants to break it (and know the "rule" one is breaking). In your song Grand Jete stands out most in my mind, especially since I've done quite a bit of folk dancing! I have two questions about your final verse: Quote:
Final question (out of curiosity), what were you envisioning as the realm of sin? I thought this was an interesting phrase because #1 it raises the question of whether there is sin and what it is, and #2 whether the dance in which people blindly participate is actually what is sinful (if one believes in sin). --Erica |
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As far as mixing metaphors, well that is definetelly one of my shortcomings as a writer. I tend to go on little tangents (both in prose and poetry writing) and end up on a different thought altogether than when I started. I think "hearts of tin" works because it emphasizes the mechanical aspect of the dance...but the lining and sheet probably dont. perhaps if i used curtains or costumes instead? or even a wall of people? This world of the dance creates a kind of bubble around the dancers, so i want the image of breaking through it without confusing listeners by changing ideas. As for Grand Jete...I used it as a forced rhyme originally so thats why I edited it out. Does anyone else see it as a memorable part of the chorus that catches the listeners ear? |
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I like your explanation about sin and how it relates to your song. I like your wall of people idea because when dancing, people do become an obstacle physically that can keep you following the dance steps. Since I love dancing and social dancing (English/Scottish/folk) it is hard for me to view dancing as constrictive because there is so much choice involved in learning the steps. I feel most free when dancing (even when doing a choreographed piece). However, I do definitely see the dance people go through in society. Since no one else has commented on Grand Jete yet, I will say that the word is memorable to me but the actual meaning (a leap through the air with legs split, usually done by advanced dancers *well* and by the rest of us for fun as we imagine ourselves to be advanced dancers) probably doesn't happen often in a regular dance of society, so its absence from your song might be appropriate. Still, it does stick in my memory. Many people may not know what it is, though! --Veg |
Yes, i do think i will leave Grand Jete out and find something else to catch the attention. As i was writing the song i kept having those images of the ballroom dances where everyone is in perfect unison doing the same lifts and steps in basically the same attire. Personally, I think any form of dance is liberating, but its an image that i thought portrayed my idea well. I will rewrite and post again!
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Not a song, but pls read neway
This is just a short little word sketch i wrote, if u've got the time, id appreciate feedback. Also, if you can think of a better name then Ivy, id appreciate it.
--------------------------------------- It was the first fragile drops of sunrise that tickled Ivy’s cheeks and woke her. Playing off the dewdrops that had settled on each eyelash, the rays illuminated the canopy above, revealing each leaf’s delicate web of veins and, hidden among the dizzying green, the gold that would not show itself until late in the season. A joyful chorus greeted the Day, birds trilled ecstasy into the steaming morning while, unseen, the last of Night’s creatures skittered into the shadows to sleep. Here, Mother Nature reveled in every transition, every flutter and flight, every song. Here, the forest had a heartbeat of its own. Blinking away the silk of playful spiders, the nymph sat up and stretched. A fast growing Citatus Vine had wound itself around her ankle in the night. Careful not to harm it, she removed it from herself and wove it into the structure of her bed. The nest sat cradled in the branches of an elm tree, constructed entirely of living branches, mosses, vines, and the occasional gift of down from a generous mother bird. To the untrained eye, her modest bed was virtually invisible, indeed, only she and her closest animal friends knew its hiding place. Here she slept during the warmer months of the year. From the branches of her Mother Tree she could hear virtually all of the activities of the forest, and greet the great orb of Grandmother Moon when she lifted her face above the trees. As long as Ivy’s elm was alive and well, so would she be, each protected the other. Swinging silently down from the branches, she hit the forest floor in a crouch, her toes digging into the soft summer earth. A nymph lives in harmony with the creatures of the forest, but caution was nevertheless necessary. Listening attentively, she brushed her long auburn hair out of her emerald eyes and stood, bracing herself against the warm bark of the elm. Had any human eye been around to see her, it would have been mystified, frozen, unable to even glance away. Her ivory skin contrasted deeply with the rich greens and browns that surrounded her, but reflected them too – so that she seemed to fade in and out of view, merging with her environment. As it was mid-summer and warm, there was no need to hinder her body with garments, but vines entangled themselves in her hair. In fact, upon closer look, it seemed that the vines had even succeeded in embedding themselves into her very skin. All up her back the faint green tendrils could be seen tracing the ripples of her muscle as she turned about to face her day. But what really caught the attention was her eyes. A man might be trapped forever looking into those eyes. It seemed that the endless wisdom of the ancient forest lay hidden in that elusive green. Storms that had ripped up saplings by the roots still raged there, but the soft drowsy summers of decades past resided there too, softening the forest’s pain with a blanket of time. Long lashes blinked calmly and curiously at the world around them, framing these huge windows into the soul of the forest. Like a fairy’s ring of mushrooms, Ivy’s eyes could trap and bind a mortal with a single glance, making his only wish be to run with her among the trees reflected in those deep pools of green. |
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Your fantasy world for Ivy is rich with detail. I especially liked the detail of the vines tracing her muscle (would it be better to say muscles?). If you wrote "a person" instead of "a man," you could broaden Ivy's appeal. Wouldn't all people be mesmerized by such a creature? Currently the piece sounds like the fantasy of a young woman wanting to be loved and adored by a man; if you broaden it to describe how the nymph would lure *all* people in, then this somehow makes the piece sound less like wish-fulfillment and more like fantasy/science fiction. For example, you could write, "Ivy’s eyes could trap and bind mortals with a single glance, making their only wish be to run with her among the trees reflected in those deep pools of green." One line that broke me out of the fantasy world is the one where you compared her eyes to a "fairy's ring of mushrooms," because the image of a ring of mushrooms makes me start to think of her eyelashes as being like a ring of mushrooms, which would look...odd. Hmmm. The name Ivy. I actually would replace the first "Ivy" (which you place in the first sentence) with "her" and leave her unnamed until after you have described her as a nymph. A name so strongly labels and confines a person that it limits one's imagination of her, I feel, especially since a large point made in your description is that Ivy is not just an individual but part of/an extension of the whole forest. Perhaps you could sneak the name in by adding something to this line you wrote: "A fast growing Citatus Vine had wound itself around her ankle in the night, which seemed fitting since she was called Ivy by those who knew her." I can't really think of a name that seems more appropriate than "Ivy." If I do, I'll let you know! |
thanks for your comments, now that i re-read, i agree with you on the whole "man" thing...though nymphs are infamous for their seductive powers, men are not neccessarily the only ones subject.
And i loled at the eyelashes being mushrooms image, that hadn't even crossed my mind. One reason I don't really like Ivy is because it's such a commen "nymph" name, or if you've played Soul Calibur, all you can think of is this idealized big busted/butted blonde woman who can kick ppls butts (maybe thats just all i can think of when i hear the name Ivy) I kind of wanted something more Latin based, but if i just scroll through a latin dictionary and point, it isn't going to fit right, even if its a nature word. |
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Well done. |
*sigh* one of my real life friends just joined and now im embarressed about this entire thread :$ oh well, there goes my cyber world anomnity. :) its k though, cuz he's awsome. Methinks you all will like Nomas
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oh no worries, music banter is an awsome and unexpected resource for me, I won't be leaving anytime soon, though probably i will start spending a little less time here considering the fact that i have very little free time. I'm still trying to write my very first actual love poem! Its not going well since Im so pressed for time, but i will post it the second its done! (ok, maybe the day its done...or the week :P )
Im glad your enjoying my journey, I certainly am. |
Heeey. This isn't a poem or song (again!) but I haven't been writing a lot lately. Sorry!
But, this is a word sketch I did a long time ago, with a little revision, that I'd like some feedback on. Its a little bit "emo" but I'm trying to, eventually, develop the girl in the sketch to the point that she is believable without being cliche. This is one of the things I've written that may actually have potential as a full fledged story. The title's kind of random, but it alludes to stuff that (will probably) happen later. Thx for reading! (in advance :) ) I heard it Second Hand Over time, she had snuffed out her sun. Evening birds and unruly children on the sunny street below the window were silenced, first by the glass itself and then by layers of red and black fabric – dusty curtains that had not been disturbed in months. The outside world was completely shut out, no foreign light or voice defiled this space that she had claimed as her own just under a year ago. All things were controlled, all comings and goings monitored; everything was hers and hers alone. Inside, she lay on her back with her eyes closed. Cords of sound wound themselves around her neck, making her swallow the hot tears that waited. Angry screams were forced out of second hand speakers and an old red light illuminated one corner of the room, casting bloody shadows. The furniture, mostly spray painted black, crouched and sagged, as if begrudging its rescue from the junkyard. But she paid no attention to the angry chair or the dripping paintings, long since dry. She had created this room, fit it all together to reflect the soul of its maker, and knew it inside out. Her eyes focused in a world of in-betweens, a world in which the living slowly begin to fade away. The bed on which she lay was only an ancient mattress slumped on the floor, but it gave the room an air of gypsy abandon, and was where she spent most of her time. She had not seen the sun in almost three months now, and only left the darkness of her room to use the restroom. If she were to sit in the moonlight, the skin of her face would have given off a milky glow – a deep contrast to the pitch black of her hair and eyes. But this same skin hung loosely and the honeyed roots of her hair showed where the black dye had not been touched up. Her black retinas regarded the world with the kind of numbness and detachment seen in neglected and starving dogs. The Relentless Aunt still insisted on bringing up her “good ol’ home cooking, but now let her eat and exist in almost total seclusion. Yet too often, the green beans grew cold and the mashed potatoes hard – altogether untouched. These meals pointlessly arrived three times a day, the only instances in which time asserted itself. Didn’t that worry of a woman understand that food is only for those who desire to live? Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive? |
I think you created a life for this character wonderfully.
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Otherwise, I really like it, I think. Well done. |
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Where's the other sagged? maybe im just blind, but i only see it used once :O |
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You used sagged in the sixth line of the last paragraph :) |
oh, there it is! fixed! i changed "screaming" to unruly and the second sagged to "hung loosely" though, that might change again later cuz i dont like it quite right. thx.
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I don't know why but I'm getting a very Pain Of Salvation vibe from this one? :cool: (which is a very nice thing) |
ha, it was weird to see my thread on the first page again... thanks for reading, Cold is my favorite too. Unfortunitely my creativity is being stifled by the amount of time i spend on school work so I haven't had a chance to write at all, very sad. Hopefully I will more now that i'm keeping a journal (again). *sigh*
And somehow Pain of Salvation has managed to escape my notice until now...but I did a quick listen, and yes, the general feeling of their music was roughly what I had planned for "The Dance." Thanks for commenting and adding this band to my "like" list! |
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I've always loved PoS, changing their style constantly. Well I mean they are progressive so it's a given that they do. 'Cold' seriously needs to be made into a song, I'd love to hear it. |
New song!!!!!!!
I just got a ukulele and can finally put music to my lyrics. I'm finding it's also a lot easier to make up lyrics when there is already music as well. I've already put the rainbow one from the very first page to music (kind of a silly kids song type thing) and here is my very first ever love song:
Inbetween Time Running through the starlight A pair of alpha wolves A ballroom in the misty rain This sweet fantasy keeps my shoulders straight These wond'rings keep me sane Chorus When the distances between us Are a calandar or two Let us go down dancing Betwixt the mists of time When the distance inbetween us Is just a calandar Let us dance, let us take refuge Inbetween times Hello, baby, how are you? It's been a long hard day, and I've missed you Is it love lost hold, direction, Walking a stretched phone line? How do yo know I love you When you're oh so far away? But I do. Chorus But the cuffs and chains that bind us to the city walls so cold, Responsibility, will keep us occupied Until your paw in mine I'll hold Hello baby, how are you? It's been a long hard day, And I've missed you and I love you. How I've missed you. Let us go down dancing Betwixt the mists of time Let us go, let us go out dancing Inbetween time. And i love you, how I love you Inbetween time Inbetween time. It ends up being about 5 minutes long..because it's very slow. |
I like this and I love the simple nature of the lyrics. In most songs, it is those simple lines that strike us the hardest. The chorus does a really good job of this, and it is probably my most favourite part of the song :) I'm looking forward to hearing your version of this though ;)
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