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Old 07-21-2009, 10:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default VeggieLovers Journey into Lyrics and Poetry

Hello Everyone, just thought I'd put up a few of my poems I found last night. As time goes on, I'll be writing a lot more with the intention of putting the words to music (hopefully with my band before they all desert me )

Some of these actually do incorperate rhyme (suprisingly) and I've chosen them as my favorites (for now). Tell me what you think and PLEASE don't be afraid to offer suggestions!

Cold

A cloud of hate engulfs us
There's nowhere left to turn
In this world of heavy choices
Where our hope's been snipped and shorn

Beyond our understanding is
Where spikes and spirals grow
In fields of black roses
That have only thorns to show

In fact this storn is moving
And growing as it may
A long and desprate needle
That pierces the everyday

This mass of heavy nothingness
Will leave you broken spined
Broken and bleeding
With scars as piece of mind



These Hands

From these hands
A form is born --
Sculpted from the gray.
A little pot
To hold a song
And endure well, it may.

In these hands
A heart is held
Delicate and free
Above the rubble
And the mess
For all the world to see.

To these hands,
A dream is dreamt
Though radical -- it's true
building upward
Through the wreck
To make the dream anew

Out of these hands,
A spirit flies--
A feather in the breeze.
An open spirit
That cannot land
For fear that it will freeze.

With these hands,
I touch your skin
Though clammy now, and cold.
I promise with
These very hands
To remember all you've told

With these hands,
I hold a hand
So tiny still -- but soft
A memory
Be sure to know
That love is never lost.

Rainbows

When little raincloud goes to bed
A rainbow wrops around her head
To keep her hair nice and neat
Until the next time that raindrops greet

When little breezes go to school
Rainbow tags along, all cool
Swaggering in her violet step
Hope held tight in cheery grip

Father Sunshine, Mother Moon,
Always end the fun too soon!
Swirling storms must putter out
and leave poor rainbow there to pout

Oh little rainbow, wait for me
Tie up my shoes, so gracefully
Give me a hopeful swagger too
Give me the courage to shine like you!

Best Friends

One has a laugh that can be hear,
From any corner of the world
And though there are many days
When hugs and whispers full of pain
Can block the simle we need so much
I still know I love her

Another's crazy to behold
With jokes that maybe shouldn't be told
And sometimes we miss eachother
In the day so full of stuff
But I'll never stop tackling her in the hall
Just so she'll know I love her

The third's unique in every way
And with that said, what more can I say?
Sometimes I wonder how she works
And if I'll ever know all of her quirks
But does it really matter? No --
Because Il'll always love her

We'll keep the secrets of the night
And never will we let a firght
Come between the bonds we've built.
Through thick and thin it will endure
Because we must keep on
Loving us

Other will come, in and out,
Over the years, without a doubt.
In fact, we may even grow apart,
Though, we try not to consider that.
But no matter where we go in life
I know I'll always love them.


last one!!

For My Daddy

Ever since that night, now so far removed
From my thoughts, that scare I remember
The details that would later rent me through
I have missed you

When I put on my make-up every morning,
I remember that you said
"Never forget that you don't need make-up
To be beautiful"

I remember how you taught me
To add hundreds tgether with out giving up
And how long I grinned when I finally got it.
Now I'm doing Calculus.

How many times did you tell me that
"Communication is the key"
and how many times has just talking
Saved me?

You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest.

Do you know how many times I've lost your smile?
Or forgotten the way you tugged on my braid every morning?
Does the loss of me hurt you the way that
Loss has shattered me?

I wonder if you would still be proud
Though I've stumbled on the way
For making choices and finding me --
It's required sacrifice

I wish you could still walk me to school,
I don't want to sit and drive.
And I cry to think how many times you'll miss
Me walking 'cross the stage

That night when, me so young,
Cancer took you far
Without warning you were gone
And left on me a scar

But life goes on, and Oh!
How I've loved you.
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Old 07-22-2009, 04:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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does no one have any ideas for me? I'm suprised, and disappointed
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Old 07-22-2009, 09:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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What kind of music will this be?
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Old 07-23-2009, 12:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It will probably vary. Cold probably has the most potential for a song in my opinion....it could probably be alternative rock or indie rock. The others could be anything, i don't do very well with sticking to genres.
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Old 07-23-2009, 04:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi, VeggieLover!

I'm sorry my review arrives so late! This is a busy time of the year for maize geneticists in the MidWest. I've been out in the hot Iowan fields every day this week pollinating corn and have not had much time for MB fun!

First, before I give feedback on "Cold" (the poem you can imagine most easily being converted into a song) and a little on your last poem, I want to say how well both you and your other vocalist sing in your song "Stop Here" on your group's MySpace page. The instrumentals are excellent, as well. I also liked seeing the photos of all of you in the recording studio and doing fun things together (prom, etc.!). It is too bad that your bandmates are all graduating! What will happen to your group, Snow State?

Now, on to "Cold."

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
Some of these actually do incorperate rhyme (suprisingly) and I've chosen them as my favorites (for now). Tell me what you think and PLEASE don't be afraid to offer suggestions!

Cold

A cloud of hate engulfs us
There's nowhere left to turn
In this world of heavy choices
Where our hope's been snipped and shorn

Beyond our understanding is
Where spikes and spirals grow
In fields of black roses
That have only thorns to show

In fact this storn is moving
And growing as it may
A long and desprate needle
That pierces the everyday

This mass of heavy nothingness
Will leave you broken spined
Broken and bleeding
With scars as piece of mind
I understand the basic subject as being our struggle to find our way in an unkind word/universe without being destroyed emotionally. You use several metaphors such as a place beyond our understanding where "spikes and spirals" grow. Are these the spikes and spirals of the black roses' thorny stems and leaves?

You next talk about the needle (so, again, a sharp object). I like the image of it piercing "the everyday"...as in piercing through to the daily life in which most of us live, doing everyday things, like buying food, brushing teeth, putting on socks, etc. etc.

I have a couple word choice suggestions and hope it is okay with you that I mention them in italics below.

Quote:
Cold

A cloud of hate engulfs us
There's nowhere left to turn
In this world of heavy choices
Where our hope's been snipped and shorn

(I recommend using a different word besides "snipped" because "snipping" sounds so delicate...I'm wondering if there is another "s" word that would do more damage to hope than "snipping" does to it? Perhaps "shashed"? This would also repeat the "sh" sound:

"Where our hope's been slashed and shorn")


Beyond our understanding is
Where spikes and spirals grow
In fields of black roses
That have only thorns to show

(If I were writing this I would probably say,
"In fields of black roses
having only thorns to show"
because this gets rid of a bumpy-sounding "that" and lets the "ings" rhyme.)


In fact this storn is moving
And growing as it may
A long and desprate needle
That pierces the everyday

(I'm thinking you meant "storm" and "desperate." I am now envisioning the poem as a scene in which a storm is growing over a field of deathly black roses, and this hidden reality of hate/sadness is starting to break into everyday life. Again, I would probably write "piercing" because my own personal preference is to want to avoid the word "that." Is the needle like lightning, or the needle-shape of a tornado? I am wondering about the relationship between the metaphor of the storm and the metaphor of the needle.

I am also wondering about the "as it may" because I suspect you used the word "may" to make sure it would rhyme with "day." It feels to me like a "filler" word and I would prefer that the word used moves the subject matter forward. I might also emphasize the sharpness of the needle, rather than the length, because "long needle" can have a penis connotation! For example, you could write:

"In fact this storn is moving
And growing, dark and gray,
A sharp and desperate needle
That pierces the everyday)


This mass of heavy nothingness
Will leave you broken spined
Broken and bleeding
With scars as piece of mind

(You repeat the word broken to give it extra emphasis. Would you prefer a different word than the second "broken," or do you like the repetition?
"Scars as piece of mind"...this line intrigues me because I am not sure if you are playing with the phrase "peace of mind" or not. I think the meaning you intend is that the hate/sadness/nothingness leave scars on one's mind, but I actually like thinking of them as leaving scars on one's peace of mind...meaning there is no more peace of mind.)
VeggieLover, if I had more time right now I'd talk in depth about your poem for your dad, which I assume is a true poem about your dad's sudden death due to cancer, for which I am sorry. This is an emotional poem that I feel could be converted into a moving song. The song includes a lot of wisdom from the father, including my favorite lines:

"You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest."

(I would remove the second "that" because you actually write it earlier: "You said that if I walked ahead/ led the group up the trail/ I'd always have time to sit/and just rest." You have here an "if...then" statement without the "then," which is okay. I like the image of a parent telling his child not to be afraid to be a leader, to go alone.)

Bye for now!

--Erica

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
For My Daddy

Ever since that night, now so far removed
From my thoughts, that scare I remember
The details that would later rent me through
I have missed you

When I put on my make-up every morning,
I remember that you said
"Never forget that you don't need make-up
To be beautiful"

I remember how you taught me
To add hundreds tgether with out giving up
And how long I grinned when I finally got it.
Now I'm doing Calculus.

How many times did you tell me that
"Communication is the key"
and how many times has just talking
Saved me?

You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest.

Do you know how many times I've lost your smile?
Or forgotten the way you tugged on my braid every morning?
Does the loss of me hurt you the way that
Loss has shattered me?

I wonder if you would still be proud
Though I've stumbled on the way
For making choices and finding me --
It's required sacrifice

I wish you could still walk me to school,
I don't want to sit and drive.
And I cry to think how many times you'll miss
Me walking 'cross the stage

That night when, me so young,
Cancer took you far
Without warning you were gone
And left on me a scar

But life goes on, and Oh!
How I've loved you.

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 07-23-2009 at 05:37 PM.
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hi, VeggieLover!

I'm sorry my review arrives so late! This is a busy time of the year for maize geneticists in the MidWest. I've been out in the hot Iowan fields every day this week pollinating corn and have not had much time for MB fun!

First, before I give feedback on "Cold" (the poem you can imagine most easily being converted into a song) and a little on your last poem, I want to say how well both you and your other vocalist sing in your song "Stop Here" on your group's MySpace page. The instrumentals are excellent, as well. I also liked seeing the photos of all of you in the recording studio and doing fun things together (prom, etc.!). It is too bad that your bandmates are all graduating! What will happen to your group, Snow State?

Now, on to "Cold."



I understand the basic subject as being our struggle to find our way in an unkind word/universe without being destroyed emotionally. You use several metaphors such as a place beyond our understanding where "spikes and spirals" grow. Are these the spikes and spirals of the black roses' thorny stems and leaves?

You next talk about the needle (so, again, a sharp object). I like the image of it piercing "the everyday"...as in piercing through to the daily life in which most of us live, doing everyday things, like buying food, brushing teeth, putting on socks, etc. etc.

I have a couple word choice suggestions and hope it is okay with you that I mention them in italics below.



VeggieLover, if I had more time right now I'd talk in depth about your poem for your dad, which I assume is a true poem about your dad's sudden death due to cancer, for which I am sorry. This is an emotional poem that I feel could be converted into a moving song. The song includes a lot of wisdom from the father, including my favorite lines:

"You said that if I walked ahead
Led the group up the trail,
That I'd always have time to sit
And just rest."

(I would remove the second "that" because you actually write it earlier: "You said that if I walked ahead/ led the group up the trail/ I'd always have time to sit/and just rest." You have here an "if...then" statement without the "then," which is okay. I like the image of a parent telling his child not to be afraid to be a leader, to go alone.)

Bye for now!

--Erica
SnowState will have to go on a break for now, but we are planning on having a "return tour" during christmas break because everyone will be home for the holidays, which basically means we'll just get together and jam . Until then I'll have plenty to do with school, but there are a few candidates i have my eye on for a new band (including my brother who plays guitar quite well).

Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my poems. My style generally incorperates a few different metaphors in a type of "weave," such as the sharpness that is seen throughout the poem in the thorns and needle. I agree that "snipped" is a more subtle verb, and it was meant to be. No one can really look at a group of people and tell which ones are being stabbed through with hopelessness. Our society tends to shave it away bit by bit so we won't ever know it's happening. "Shorn" is supposed to bring up an image of sheep which puts you in a field and prepares you for the next stanza. "spikes and spirals" is a personal referance (thats what my boyfriend laughingly calls me ) but I thought the curving images of vines fit well with the vegetation images of fields of black roses. They aren't neccisarly (arg i can't spell!) the roses themselves, but they could be.

The Storm and needle (yes, supposed to invoke the image of lightning) are refering back to the cloud in the first stanza. Even in the poem it is evident that this ominous thing that we are up against is growing.
"Growing as it may" is actually just the way I talk and wasn't meant as a filler, nor was it a forced rhyme, but the fact that it comes off that way needs i need to spend a bit more time in editing. You could look at this line as an indication that the storm grows of its own accord, we as individuals can't control it.

I may want to add another few stanzas calling listeners to action, or mentioning something about a fight. If you've read a Wrinkle in Time, this is the "darkness" that is overtaking the planets, and it can be fought, if we stick together.


As for my last poem, yes it is a cathartic writing based on my own experiences. This is the only free verse poem I posted, but it isn't in my usual free verse style. I'll edit out some of the rough spots you mentioned
If you (or anyone else!) gets the chance, i would love to hear more suggestions!
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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
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Old 08-04-2009, 11:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'd rather not get bumped onto the 3rd page of oblivion, so here is my place holder!
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Old 08-05-2009, 12:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
I'd rather not get bumped onto the 3rd page of oblivion, so here is my place holder!
Yes...the 3rd page of oblivion...scary place, that. I've been meaning to write more about your poems but as you see am behind, so seeing your VeggieLover thread pop up is a good reminder!

You wrote:
Quote:
"Growing as it may" is actually just the way I talk and wasn't meant as a filler, nor was it a forced rhyme, but the fact that it comes off that way needs i need to spend a bit more time in editing. You could look at this line as an indication that the storm grows of its own accord, we as individuals can't control it.
Ahh..I understand now about "may." I suppose part of what made me feel maybe it was being used due to the rhyming more than the meaning is that the feeling of a storm growing seems so ominous that I expect it to grow rather than perhaps grow.

More later!
--Erica
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default The Dance

Hey everyone, just wrote this song a bit ago, so editing has been minimal at best. Let me know what you think, these are the first lyrics I've posted that were originally intended to be put to music. The style would be...creepy? Heavier sounding guitars and a very heavy base part. Of course, I only sing and play the flute so I'll need actual musicians to write those parts, but that's what I hear in my head

The Dance
Rats and Cats and raucous romance,
Circle around in a hypnotized Dance.
Tripping, falling, calling, bawling;
Know the steps or void the chance
Yes, know the steps or lose your chance

Dimes and fives and a long lonely drive,
Park in a line and proceed to contrive
(All the) chatting, smiling, earning, buying.
Learn the dance or be eaten alive
Yes, learn to dance or be cooked alive

{Chorus}
Twirl, leap -- a Grand Jete
March in time
We're all the same, everyday
So don't step out of the line

Where is it leading?
What goal are we seeing?

(intrumentals)

A smile a grin we're at it again
Twirling in line with our hearts made of tin
Scratching, clawing, our shallow lining
Poke through the sheet to the realm of sin
Oh tear through the sheet to the world of sin.

{Chorus}

A smile a grin, we're dying again.
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
I'll need actual musicians to write those parts
Really? I'd love to give you my input. I'd recommend you show your band members bands like the Hot Snakes, the Obits or Sonic Youth (preferrably Goo or Daydream Nation)--as that is the sort of music you seem to be describing. Of course, that doesn't mean I imagine my own taste over what you hear. But, you can also fit your flute skills into the mesh if you remember bands like fleetwood mac or the remanifestation: Midlake. Even bands like King Crimson made a tasteful use of the flute in their music--although, you have to understand that their music could sometimes be pretentious (allot of progressive rock bands can be and are, but sadly miss the mark by a wide margin).

also remember that allot of times, the more words you have, the less melody you might end up with (and this isn't not always true). But, be aware that you may end up in more of a rap than anything else--especially because if the melody of your verse gets too complex, it can overshadow the entire purpose of the chorus.

my recommendation for vocals is based on what I normally do--I connect a chorus pedal and overdrive pedal to my mike for some slight effect (if you have a good chorus, it can give your voice a sort of...thickness that you can only achieve by a multylayered track). It can also be very cheesy if you set it too wide or fast. Overdrive is only for specific points in the song where I need more confidence when I sing--and for some odd reason, overdrive gives me confidence to do a couple more things than I wouldn't normally do.

I hope that helps you out a bit, else it might just be completely useless. xD I'm not going to extend my hand to help you yet as I am unsure of the nature of your music. I'd like to hear songs that you and your band write together.

peace,
-nick
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