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Shivs 07-22-2009 09:33 PM

Hey dudes/dudettes
 
" Untitled 1 "

Deserted cracks whisper to me
Soles of my feet are joining with them
Like a hurricane, I fall through
Like the surest rain, I crawl through

Hands, oh land
On my face and my arms
Brands, brands
Show me that I'm harmed
By the shadows that float above
Oh, nobody needs that love

Slithered forward, constrict and leave
Sharks to fish, wolves to sheep
Like they want, I let go
As they creep, to and fro

Sands, oh land
Through my voiceless throat
Glands, glands
Nailed to the side of my heart
Brought down by the good people
Oh, that nobody loves.

I wrote this song about rape, how suddenly it can happen, and how scarring it can be. My friend was actually raped, so she caused a bit of inspiration for this one too.


" Floatin' "

Crutch

Teach me mass division
They said we can't love your decisions
Wiped for my lack of
Man made incisions

Raped judgment is influential
I know I won't make another
But I'm betting you will
Don't lose that thrill, man

Pushed through a cycle I barely think
Replace what you won't fill
Gimmie chains and links
Lock, shock and awe
It's all in the wrist
Tethered mind floats while your body sinks

Fatal life jackets in this ocean of trends
Another one starts so another one ends
She's got no mom, he's got no future
I'm just teasing,
They've got no reason

Flowin' through a cycle I barely think
Replace what you won't fill
Given chains and links
Lock, shock and awe
It's all in the wrist, man
Tethered mind floats while your body sinks

Same old cycle I barely think
Replace what you won't fill
Choose the chains and links
Lock, shock and awe
It's all in the wrist
Tethered mind floats,
You know your body sinks, yeah?

Alot of the kids I know do drugs for no reason, and I don't see a point. It's not for spiritual purposes, or for any real purpose actually, haha, they just do. Because it's "hip"? I don't really know, guys.


" Relevance "

Growing weeds in my head
Flowers burned to nothingness as
Life and love once fled
Lying, flying, it's all the same
Come on, shutters are locked,
I'll feel no rain

Growing wings, oh then they were snapped
Crushed as a child's own wondrous craft
Paper thin,
Rape her then,
It'll all be relevant when we begin to mend

Overrun by alien thoughts,
Interrupted lives were lost
And though it's true I cannot dream
You'll be back, for another go

Flowing wings eventually snap
Destroy this child's own wondrous craft
Paper thin,
Rape her then,
Doesn't seem relevant until we mend

This one's about a man in a coma, which is the main reason for the "snapped grown wings" line. Life can be taken away pretty easily, man.


" Everyone Gets Them "

These insects full of acid,
Resting in my bones
I can feel them fluttering
Feelings will be honed

This worm will eat my apple
Feast so long on my love
Grow my sweet little baby,
You'll hurt soon enough

Crying fetus of a cocoon life
Sleeping now, forget the strife
Dream your warm body for now
Tomorrow we will awake

Wings in bloom, blind eyes open
Scrape my mind of empty dust
Impregnated by my future girl
Exist cause love is lust

Kinda cliche to be writing about love, I know, but it's not really a boyfriend/girlfriend breakup song, is it? I thought that twisting around the idea of the phrase "I've got butterflies in my stomach" would be pretty good, and that's the result.


" Nectar "

Come out from your hole, always nocturnal
Predators instincts are dirty and feral
Search the stock until you become so sick
Handle of the door now clicks

Now, you don't stop,
It's all for gain, it's in the chain
I take my punishment,
You take your sins
This wasp without a stinger,
Blank, tortured grin

Mating season comes upon us
Big queen bee will now sell fake lust
I search for the flower,
I'm trapped in the hive,
Survive for the nectar
For the nectar we must

Purposely futile satisfaction
My family is trapped inside this old soup tin
Grazing the forest for hope, for truth
Strangers graze the forest as a personal booth

Power in my hands, traded for a substance
Satisfy the man,
Once your in, there's no chance
Fueled by desire to love and to hate
Shackled by a fire,
Accepted our fates

Mating season is again upon us,
Big queen bee will now sell fake lust
I search for the flower
Been trapped in a hive,
Survive for the nectar,
For the nectar we must

Can anyone guess what this one's about?

someonecompletelyrandom 07-26-2009 03:48 PM

Nobody has replied to this yet because theres nothing to make fun of, a great accomplishment in this forum!

But seriously your work here far above average, there are alot more concepts being used rather than the same old "she was my girl" "he was my man" garbage that pollutes this place. I'd like to see just a bit more positive thoughts... the subject matter is rather serious, which isn't bad, but can be taken as pretentious if something positive isn't injected every now and then. Atleast in my opinion anyway. Also a few words you used didn't quite fit/are overused. But this is normal and with a little refinement shouldn't be a problem.

I liked " Untitled 1 " the best!

Arya Stark 07-26-2009 03:52 PM

You're superb.

The rhyming is inserted excellently into each stanza.

I love it.

Shivs 07-27-2009 02:17 PM

Thanks guys :D Yeah, Conan, I think this'll be a kind of grunge/post-grunge project for me, that's one of the bands I want to start someday. I've been trying lighter stuff recently, so hopefully I can get some up here sometime soon. What does pretentious mean, by the way? Not familiar with the definition, haha. And also, thanks AwwSugar, I'm glad you liked them!

someonecompletelyrandom 07-27-2009 02:40 PM

It can mean alot of different things. In this context though it might seem like your music is the self-elected spokesperson for the world's problems. Relax though because I don't think it's pretentious, just a little heads up about something to watch out for.

And yeah keep at it!

Shivs 07-27-2009 02:47 PM

Ah yeah, haha, don't really want to be labled as something in the long run, eh? I'll try and lighten up a bit, Conan, thanks again! :D

asshat 07-29-2009 02:34 AM

...this is some prime work...far above my head so I don't really no what to say.

The only complaint I'd have(and this is just personal preference alone) is the language seems a little too esoteric sometimes. Sometimes a song needs to make an immediate impact and not require any further probing of the lyrics...don't be afraid of seemingly mundane or predictable lines if that's the first thing that comes to your head....mix trivial stuff in with the poetic stuff to make the poetic stuff seem more powerful....but if comes from the heart then my opinion doesn't hold any water.

good work.

Shivs 07-29-2009 03:12 PM

Thanks man, that means a lot.

Nicktarist 07-29-2009 06:24 PM

yeah, I like what asshat is sayin' here: Context Context Context. Nice work-- although it seems a little too intelligent to be grunge.

peace,
-nick

Terrible Lizard 07-29-2009 06:29 PM

Lyrically of much higher quality than the majority of **** that's posted in the Song Writing forum.

Congrats.

Shivs 07-29-2009 08:49 PM

Thanks dude.

Shivs 07-29-2009 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicktarist (Post 711477)
yeah, I like what asshat is sayin' here: Context Context Context. Nice work-- although it seems a little too intelligent to be grunge.

peace,
-nick

Ehh, we'll see right? :P Either grunge or folk rock is what I'm hoping for.

Nicktarist 07-30-2009 12:38 PM

I would say Freak Folk is your best bet. You have the freedom of expirimental and the intelligence of folk all combined into one neat little package with a 'the sh!t' stamp on it. :D

Shivs 07-30-2009 01:10 PM

Thanks man :D Never heard of Freak Folk, guess I'll have to check that out!

someonecompletelyrandom 07-30-2009 03:51 PM

I'd suggest this wonderful little genre called Music. Basically the idea is you make whatever the f-ck you want and don't worry about it falling under any specific label.

Shivs 07-30-2009 04:04 PM

True that man, I'm just gonna go with it and see how it turns out. Hopefully I'm gonna collaborate with a friend of mine, apparently she writes lyrics and plays guitar too, so I think that'd sound kinda good.

Nicktarist 08-01-2009 09:16 AM

Quote:

I'd suggest this wonderful little genre called Music. Basically the idea is you make whatever the f-ck you want and don't worry about it falling under any specific label.
The point of deciding on a genre is not to choose a label to fall under, but to have a place to start. Once you decide that, you can do whatever you want with your own definition of the genre.

For instance, my brothers and I have been working on this "Folk" project. But let's be honest, it sometimes feels more like jazz and/or Funk than it does Folk. But we still call it our Folk project. See what I'm gettin' at here?

peace,
-nick

VEGANGELICA 08-03-2009 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 708108)
" Nectar "

Come out from your hole, always nocturnal
Predators instincts are dirty and feral
Search the stock until you become so sick (use of alliteration!)
Handle of the door now clicks

Now, you don't stop,
It's all for gain, it's in the chain
I take my punishment,
You take your sins
This wasp without a stinger,
Blank, tortured grin

Mating season comes upon us
Big queen bee will now sell fake lust
I search for the flower,
I'm trapped in the hive,
Survive for the nectar
For the nectar we must

Purposely futile satisfaction
My family is trapped inside this old soup tin
Grazing the forest for hope, for truth
Strangers graze the forest as a personal booth

Power in my hands, traded for a substance
Satisfy the man,
Once your in, there's no chance
Fueled by desire to love and to hate
Shackled by a fire,
Accepted our fates

Mating season is again upon us,
Big queen bee will now sell fake lust
I search for the flower
Been trapped in a hive,
Survive for the nectar,
For the nectar we must

Can anyone guess what this one's about?

Hi, Shivs,
I decided to start by reviewing your song, "Nectar," especially since I like riddles!

In answer to your question, I think the song describes a woman prostitute in a brothel (she is trapped inside the "old soup tin"). The "Big queen bee will now sell fake lust" is the madam who controls the women in the brothel (I'm imagining one in India). The woman forced to be a prostitute has to fake the lust to get the nectar...perhaps the money/drugs that are payment by the man.

"My family is trapped" reminds me of a movie I saw about a woman prostitute in India whose little girl lived with her, having to leave the room whenever a customer came (ahh, no pun intended). The "old tin can" metaphor stands out most strongly in my mind, because this sounds like the brothels I've seen (in movies). These are no lovely honeycomb hive out in some flower-filled meadow, but, like you describe, a place of destitution and dirt...an old tin can.

Assuming I am correct, then I think the imagery of the hive, in which female workers (the bees) do their repetitive work for the sake of the Queen (who in prostitution gets most of the money) is an appropriate metaphor for a brothel. "I'm trapped in the hive, survive for the nectar" succinctly describes the hopelessness and desperation of the situation in which the woman can't leave but also needs to stay (especially if addicted to a drug, for example).

I assume the predators at the beginning are the men? One question I have is whether in the song the perspective changes from that of the man to that of the woman, or if it is always that of the woman? Do these lines

Quote:

Search the stock until you become so sick
Handle of the door now clicks
mean that the woman is forced to choose among the men for the one she will perform fake lust for? This confused me somewhat, because I always thought the reverse happens...the "clients" search among the women. This made me wonder if there was a shift in the observer/speaker within the song, or if I simply am misunderstanding this portion of it. Now, thinking as a biologist, the flower offers nectar to lure the female bee to it, and the bee picks up pollen (serving as a reproductive vector for the flower) while getting the nectar in a symbiotic relationship. Your song shows how this flower/bee symbiotic relationship is warped by people into a relationship that harms both flower and bee.

If this song is indeed about a woman forced to be a prostitute, then her searching for a flower (the man, the source of nectar or money/drugs) sets up an interesting contrast between the man as the flower and the flower of the woman, since women are often described metaphorically as "flowers" (as in "deflowered," "wallflower," etc.).

Now that I've considered the subject matter, I'll move on to the structure.
I see you use a lot of assonance, the rhyming of vowel sounds within words. I've underlined them in your song above. Almost every word at the end of a line rhymes partially with another word at the end of line, and sometimes to words internally. Like Awwsugar said, I think the rhyming helps build the cohesiveness of a song.

You also structure the song as follows:

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

This internal structure, I feel, will help make the song more memorable than, say, a song in which there is no repetition...simply because it is easier for the brain to latch on to some lines if one hears them several times.

So, I am curious to hear if I have the "correct" interpretation (not that there is an incorrect interpretation of any song, but I mean I'm trying to see how closely my view of the lyrics matches your intention).

--Erica

Shivs 08-07-2009 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA (Post 713652)
Hi, Shivs,
I decided to start by reviewing your song, "Nectar," especially since I like riddles!

In answer to your question, I think the song describes a woman prostitute in a brothel (she is trapped inside the "old soup tin"). The "Big queen bee will now sell fake lust" is the madam who controls the women in the brothel (I'm imagining one in India). The woman forced to be a prostitute has to fake the lust to get the nectar...perhaps the money/drugs that are payment by the man.

"My family is trapped" reminds me of a movie I saw about a woman prostitute in India whose little girl lived with her, having to leave the room whenever a customer came (ahh, no pun intended). The "old tin can" metaphor stands out most strongly in my mind, because this sounds like the brothels I've seen (in movies). These are no lovely honeycomb hive out in some flower-filled meadow, but, like you describe, a place of destitution and dirt...an old tin can.

Assuming I am correct, then I think the imagery of the hive, in which female workers (the bees) do their repetitive work for the sake of the Queen (who in prostitution gets most of the money) is an appropriate metaphor for a brothel. "I'm trapped in the hive, survive for the nectar" succinctly describes the hopelessness and desperation of the situation in which the woman can't leave but also needs to stay (especially if addicted to a drug, for example).

I assume the predators at the beginning are the men? One question I have is whether in the song the perspective changes from that of the man to that of the woman, or if it is always that of the woman? Do these lines



mean that the woman is forced to choose among the men for the one she will perform fake lust for? This confused me somewhat, because I always thought the reverse happens...the "clients" search among the women. This made me wonder if there was a shift in the observer/speaker within the song, or if I simply am misunderstanding this portion of it. Now, thinking as a biologist, the flower offers nectar to lure the female bee to it, and the bee picks up pollen (serving as a reproductive vector for the flower) while getting the nectar in a symbiotic relationship. Your song shows how this flower/bee symbiotic relationship is warped by people into a relationship that harms both flower and bee.

If this song is indeed about a woman forced to be a prostitute, then her searching for a flower (the man, the source of nectar or money/drugs) sets up an interesting contrast between the man as the flower and the flower of the woman, since women are often described metaphorically as "flowers" (as in "deflowered," "wallflower," etc.).

Now that I've considered the subject matter, I'll move on to the structure.
I see you use a lot of assonance, the rhyming of vowel sounds within words. I've underlined them in your song above. Almost every word at the end of a line rhymes partially with another word at the end of line, and sometimes to words internally. Like Awwsugar said, I think the rhyming helps build the cohesiveness of a song.

You also structure the song as follows:

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

This internal structure, I feel, will help make the song more memorable than, say, a song in which there is no repetition...simply because it is easier for the brain to latch on to some lines if one hears them several times.

So, I am curious to hear if I have the "correct" interpretation (not that there is an incorrect interpretation of any song, but I mean I'm trying to see how closely my view of the lyrics matches your intention).

--Erica


Hey Erica, thanks for the reply :) Well, you basically hit a bullseye there, good job on figuring out the meaning! It's such a horrible topic though, it's so sad. The nectar represents the drugs that the prostitutes are usually forcefully addicted to, and unless they bring back cash from "jobs", ( I have no idea what to call them ) the head of the organization ( The "big queen bee", as mentioned ) won't supply them with the drugs that are by this point necessary to function for them. On a side note, I'll admit that I'm a bit confused by the last part of your reply :P Having a little trouble understanding that, is there any other way you can put it? Thanks again dude!

Naked 08-07-2009 08:20 PM

Wow, I'm impressed far beyond what I normally read here. Your use of diverse and unusual rhyme schemes show signs of confidence in straying from the norm, and your alliteration is subtle but makes the lines roll of the tongue.
The metaphors, especially in your song "Nectar", are creative, and most importantly, well established. You continue adding detail to a metaphor instead of leaving it hanging, which is an aspect I admire and aspire to in my own songwriting.
Lastly, you choose words that are powerful and your adjectives don't conflict with one another.

The only criticism I have is with this verse:
Power in my hands, traded for a substance
Satisfy the man,
Once your in, there's no chance
Fueled by desire to love and to hate
Shackled by a fire,
Accepted our fates

Its a nice break, but I feel like it's to vague. I don't feel like it belongs, or is personal and unique to this song. Work with it a little bit, try to choke as much emotion out of it as possible... it feels monotone compared to your other voices.

VEGANGELICA 08-08-2009 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 716315)
Hey Erica, thanks for the reply :) Well, you basically hit a bullseye there, good job on figuring out the meaning! It's such a horrible topic though, it's so sad. The nectar represents the drugs that the prostitutes are usually forcefully addicted to, and unless they bring back cash from "jobs", ( I have no idea what to call them ) the head of the organization ( The "big queen bee", as mentioned ) won't supply them with the drugs that are by this point necessary to function for them. On a side note, I'll admit that I'm a bit confused by the last part of your reply :P Having a little trouble understanding that, is there any other way you can put it? Thanks again dude!

Hi, Shivs! I'm pleased that my interpretation was correct. Would you please copy the part of my previous post that wasn't clear to you so I know exactly which part was confusing?

I agree with Naked that your use of an extended metaphor in the poem is one of its great strengths.

--Erica

Shivs 08-12-2009 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA (Post 716790)
Hi, Shivs! I'm pleased that my interpretation was correct. Would you please copy the part of my previous post that wasn't clear to you so I know exactly which part was confusing?

I agree with Naked that your use of an extended metaphor in the poem is one of its great strengths.

--Erica

"Now that I've considered the subject matter, I'll move on to the structure.
I see you use a lot of assonance, the rhyming of vowel sounds within words. I've underlined them in your song above. Almost every word at the end of a line rhymes partially with another word at the end of line, and sometimes to words internally. Like Awwsugar said, I think the rhyming helps build the cohesiveness of a song.

You also structure the song as follows:

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

This internal structure, I feel, will help make the song more memorable than, say, a song in which there is no repetition...simply because it is easier for the brain to latch on to some lines if one hears them several times."

Sorry for being stupid, haha. It's probably a pretty simple meaning, I'm just over-analyzing it. :p:

VEGANGELICA 08-12-2009 10:05 AM

Hi, Shivs,
You asked about what I meant when I was describing the physical structure of your poem about prostitution.

One thing I noticed was that you used a lot of rhyming as well as assonance (assonance being when the vowel sounds of two words rhyme). For example, in this stanza (group of 6 lines) below, the words "us" and "lust" rhyme using assonance, while "lust" and "must" is a perfect rhyme (the words differ only by the first letter):

Quote:

Mating season comes upon us
Big queen bee will now sell fake lust
I search for the flower,
I'm trapped in the hive,
Survive for the nectar
For the nectar we must
I also commented on the number of lines in each group of lines, or stanza: you use a group for 4 lines, then a group of 6 lines, then another group of 6 lines, and then you repeat this again by using 4, 6, and 6 lines, to create a pattern. I like the fact that there is structure to the poem.

So, hopefully what I wrote all makes sense now! --Erica

Shivs 08-13-2009 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA (Post 718670)
Hi, Shivs,
You asked about what I meant when I was describing the physical structure of your poem about prostitution.

One thing I noticed was that you used a lot of rhyming as well as assonance (assonance being when the vowel sounds of two words rhyme). For example, in this stanza (group of 6 lines) below, the words "us" and "lust" rhyme using assonance, while "lust" and "must" is a perfect rhyme (the words differ only by the first letter):



I also commented on the number of lines in each group of lines, or stanza: you use a group for 4 lines, then a group of 6 lines, then another group of 6 lines, and then you repeat this again by using 4, 6, and 6 lines, to create a pattern. I like the fact that there is structure to the poem.

So, hopefully what I wrote all makes sense now! --Erica

Ahhh, now I get it. Thanks for dumbing it down for me, dude :p: Thanks for the comment too! :)

Shivs 08-17-2009 11:12 PM

" The Vat "

One in nine o' nine
Relocate through the currents
Can you sleep through white nights?
Into the jungle, man
Hide from the turrets

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Mouths were raped of voices
But that's not what the point is
We all are united,
Our language is unique
One drop to drop
One week to reek

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Hey dudes, finally out with some new lyrics. I've been kind of busy since I last put some up, so it was nice to finally write again. So, the topic of my latest lyrics is the infamous Jonestown Massacre. My father was born and grew up in a town in Guyana, not far from the site where Jim Jones would initiate what he called, a "revolutionary suicide". Jim Jones held a mass suicide in the form of purple juice, mixed with amounts of cyanide, sedatives, and tranquillizers. The name of the song comes from a picture of the aftermath, with a vat of the poison juice in the foreground and dozens of bodies laying the in background. The lyric, "One drop to drop" is reference to the method of feeding cult members a drop of the poison through a syringe. "One in nine o' nine" refers to the nine hundred and nine followers who were pronounced dead. Only two survived. The lyric, "Can you sleep through white nights?" is referring to events in which Jim Jones would give the people of Jonestown four choices: 1. Attempt to flee to the Soviet Union 2. Conduct "revolutionary suicide" (This was simulated after reaching a vote twice before the real loyalty test was brought on [The lyrics "Are you loyal? Will you enjoy my fruit?" is reference to these so called tests]) 3. Stay in Jonestown and fight purported attackers 4. Flee into the jungle (Which is where the lyric "Into the jungle, man" comes from) Hope you all enjoyed these lyrics, I hope to be writing again soon.

Shivs 08-18-2009 02:24 PM

" Moon Rise "

Summer mornings I wonder
Will you take the time?
Think back now,
Did you love her?
Warm, warm grass now

Slept on a dirt road
Watched the moon rise
Watched the moon fall
Witnessed the birth of sunlight
For your smile, there is no price

Stretch out and begin today
Droplet fluidity,
From your fingers
Fascination now,
Arrives as a thirst

We are, you are
I am in peace
In this current plain of
Infinite release

We'll sleep on a dirt road
Watch the moon rise
Watch it fall once more
We can witness the birth of sunlight
Walk through to many doors

The lyrics to "Moon Rise" are about the feeling of general happiness, feelings you get that can't really be broken by bad thoughts. Ones that take you away from the world, and ones that can pull you out of sadness. I find this feeling with my friends, but more frequently just cruising around on my skateboard by myself, trying to go as fast as I can, and also music. One particular event in which music gave me "the feeling" was while I was listening to Pink Floyds "On the Run" on almost full blast. I can't even describe it. Hopefully everyone here knows what feeling I'm talking about, and has also experienced it.

VEGANGELICA 08-20-2009 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 721501)
" Moon Rise "

Summer mornings I wonder
Will you take the time?
Think back now,
Did you love her?
Warm, warm grass now

Slept on a dirt road
Watched the moon rise
Watched the moon fall
Witnessed the birth of sunlight
For your smile, there is no price

Stretch out and begin today
Droplet fluidity,
From your fingers
Fascination now,
Arrives as a thirst

We are, you are
I am in peace
In this current plain of
Infinite release

We'll sleep on a dirt road
Watch the moon rise
Watch it fall once more
We can witness the birth of sunlight
Walk through to many doors

The lyrics to "Moon Rise" are about the feeling of general happiness, feelings you get that can't really be broken by bad thoughts. Ones that take you away from the world, and ones that can pull you out of sadness. I find this feeling with my friends, but more frequently just cruising around on my skateboard by myself, trying to go as fast as I can, and also music. One particular event in which music gave me "the feeling" was while I was listening to Pink Floyds "On the Run" on almost full blast. I can't even describe it. Hopefully everyone here knows what feeling I'm talking about, and has also experienced it.

Hi Shivs,
I do know a feeling that sounds similar to the one you describe...a feeling of peace and connection that seems timeless. I suspect people who meditate get to a similar state and I've read that it is common for religious people to feel this feeling (although I am not at all religious).

I like the fact that you are trying to evoke or describe this feeling in your song. One line that I feel detracts from that feeling of peace is when you write about sleeping on a dirt road, because every time I read that line I start to feel alarm, fearing for the people getting hit by a car...and people in the country sometimes drive *fast* on those country dirt roads.

The line "arrives as a thirst" intrigues me, as does "droplet fluidity from your fingers"...the song seems to be about a person remembering the state of being a couple and looking forward to being together again, simply being. It makes me imagine two people sleeping in a meadow by a road, waking with the dew on them (no tent).

Did you mean "in this current plane" rather than "plain?"

--Erica

Shivs 08-20-2009 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA (Post 722252)
Hi Shivs,
I do know a feeling that sounds similar to the one you describe...a feeling of peace and connection that seems timeless. I suspect people who meditate get to a similar state and I've read that it is common for religious people to feel this feeling (although I am not at all religious).

I like the fact that you are trying to evoke or describe this feeling in your song. One line that I feel detracts from that feeling of peace is when you write about sleeping on a dirt road, because every time I read that line I start to feel alarm, fearing for the people getting hit by a car...and people in the country sometimes drive *fast* on those country dirt roads.

The line "arrives as a thirst" intrigues me, as does "droplet fluidity from your fingers"...the song seems to be about a person remembering the state of being a couple and looking forward to being together again, simply being. It makes me imagine two people sleeping in a meadow by a road, waking with the dew on them (no tent).

Did you mean "in this current plane" rather than "plain?"

--Erica

Hey Erica, thanks for the comment. Yeah, I think you're right, it should be "plane", not "plain". Thanks for alerting me on that one!

Arya Stark 08-20-2009 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 721501)
" Moon Rise "

Summer mornings I wonder
Will you take the time?
Think back now,
Did you love her?
Warm, warm grass now

Slept on a dirt road
Watched the moon rise
Watched the moon fall
Witnessed the birth of sunlight
For your smile, there is no price

Stretch out and begin today
Droplet fluidity,
From your fingers
Fascination now,
Arrives as a thirst

We are, you are
I am in peace
In this current plain of
Infinite release

We'll sleep on a dirt road
Watch the moon rise
Watch it fall once more
We can witness the birth of sunlight
Walk through to many doors

The lyrics to "Moon Rise" are about the feeling of general happiness, feelings you get that can't really be broken by bad thoughts. Ones that take you away from the world, and ones that can pull you out of sadness. I find this feeling with my friends, but more frequently just cruising around on my skateboard by myself, trying to go as fast as I can, and also music. One particular event in which music gave me "the feeling" was while I was listening to Pink Floyds "On the Run" on almost full blast. I can't even describe it. Hopefully everyone here knows what feeling I'm talking about, and has also experienced it.

Generally, I don't feel this piece is as strong as some of the others I've read in the past. I'd have to go back and read over some of your pieces, just to make sure.

My favourite part:

Quote:

Slept on a dirt road
Watched the moon rise
Watched the moon fall
It reminds me of simplicity. And I think simplicity is the root of happiness.

My least favourite part:

Quote:

Think back now,
Did you love her?
After I read this, I skipped the entire poem and skipped to the description at the end. Had I not read that, I wouldn't have finished the poem at all. I don't think it particularly fits.

Well done, overall.

Shivs 08-21-2009 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwwSugar (Post 722478)
Generally, I don't feel this piece is as strong as some of the others I've read in the past. I'd have to go back and read over some of your pieces, just to make sure.

My favourite part:



It reminds me of simplicity. And I think simplicity is the root of happiness.

My least favourite part:



After I read this, I skipped the entire poem and skipped to the description at the end. Had I not read that, I wouldn't have finished the poem at all. I don't think it particularly fits.

Well done, overall.

Yeah dude, I've actually thought about it, and I don't really like it either. :\ Guess I can't take it off now, but whatever. Thanks man.

Shivs 08-27-2009 02:00 PM

" Untitled 2 "

Daddy and mommy feel the same way
Think you can twist me like molding clay
Won't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear

No hiding in the nooks,
Can't survive in the crannies,
Decibels vibrate cause sisters here
Won't let me run,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear
Don't you love us?

Nicktarist 08-27-2009 09:16 PM

Quote:

Daddy and mommy feel the same way
Think you can twist me like molding clay
Won't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear

No hiding in the nooks,
Can't survive in the crannies,
Decibels vibrate cause sisters here
Won't let me run,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear
Don't you love us?
The topic hits home pretty well for me. Being in someone's shadow really sucks--especially if your forced into it.

-nick

Shivs 08-28-2009 10:44 PM

Thank you.

Shivs 08-29-2009 10:51 PM

" Oranges "

Coils,
Slipping in and out,
No more,
Blood flow from my mouth
Day of life will thrash on us
Dials of the sun collide with lust
Ditches flood,
We're rotting
Rotting,
Rotting

Coils,
Twist around my chest
Buttons,
Which one to press?
Day to night we're thrashed upon
Pumping water from our lungs
Ditches remain,
We're rotting
Rotting,
Rotting

Arya Stark 09-02-2009 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 722554)
Yeah dude, I've actually thought about it, and I don't really like it either. :\ Guess I can't take it off now, but whatever. Thanks man.

No problem. It was what you were thinking at the moment.

But honestly, you can change whatever you want, it's your work.

VEGANGELICA 09-06-2009 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 721334)
" The Vat "

One in nine o' nine
Relocate through the currents
Can you sleep through white nights?
Into the jungle, man
Hide from the turrets

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Mouths were raped of voices
But that's not what the point is
We all are united,
Our language is unique
One drop to drop
One week to reek

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Hey dudes, finally out with some new lyrics. I've been kind of busy since I last put some up, so it was nice to finally write again. So, the topic of my latest lyrics is the infamous Jonestown Massacre. My father was born and grew up in a town in Guyana, not far from the site where Jim Jones would initiate what he called, a "revolutionary suicide". Jim Jones held a mass suicide in the form of purple juice, mixed with amounts of cyanide, sedatives, and tranquillizers. The name of the song comes from a picture of the aftermath, with a vat of the poison juice in the foreground and dozens of bodies laying the in background. The lyric, "One drop to drop" is reference to the method of feeding cult members a drop of the poison through a syringe. "One in nine o' nine" refers to the nine hundred and nine followers who were pronounced dead. Only two survived. The lyric, "Can you sleep through white nights?" is referring to events in which Jim Jones would give the people of Jonestown four choices: 1. Attempt to flee to the Soviet Union 2. Conduct "revolutionary suicide" (This was simulated after reaching a vote twice before the real loyalty test was brought on [The lyrics "Are you loyal? Will you enjoy my fruit?" is reference to these so called tests]) 3. Stay in Jonestown and fight purported attackers 4. Flee into the jungle (Which is where the lyric "Into the jungle, man" comes from) Hope you all enjoyed these lyrics, I hope to be writing again soon.

Hi Shivs,
Your poem describes well the chilling events in which many people chose to die, killing their children/infants, because they believed what Jones told them: that death was preferable to not being able to follow their socialist/communist dreams, which they feared would be destroyed after some of the Jonestown cult community members in Guyana of South America killed a U.S. congressman who had visited the compound/community.
I just read Wikipedia's description of Jonestown and what led up to the suicide and murders. Your description also helped explain your poem--without the description, I would not have known what the poem was about.

The topic is a fascinating one. A poem that describes the disturbing side of human thoughts and tragic actions serves as a reminder to check one's own thoughts and avoid making the same mistakes. You are very right that mothers stepped forward so the cyanide poison mixture could be injected into their babies' mouths by syringe, before taking the poison themselves. Some families defected beforehand when they were able to get away. I wish they had all left! !hat saddens me the most is that so many who stayed did not speak up against Jones...how many were afraid to? How many believed him? It sounds like many of the followers did forget there was more to life than idealistic visions, and that even imperfect life is preferable to no life.

Quote:

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?
I especially liked the stanza above because it would still makes sense to me even if I didn't know the poem was about the Jonestown massacre. I like that the poem asks the questions that people there were asked: "Are you loyal?" which was part of the peer pressure (to which humans are sadly very susceptible) used to try to control others' actions. I wish all those people would have answered, "No, I am not loyal to you. No, your fruit is spoiled; I will not eat it. Life is preferable to non-existence. Being able to live is always preferable to dying, because when you are alive you have a chance to shape life and change the things you don't like."

One recommendation I have is for the poem to include more references to the massacre so that readers can understand what the poem means without needing an explanation about it. Without the explanation I would be confused about parts of the poem, such as the details that refer specifically to Jonestown (for example, "one of nine-o'-nine" and "white nights"). I wonder if there would be a few additional words you could use that would make the poem into a broader description of people following a cult leader while some choose to escape...or perhaps add more information in the poem to explain what the details mean so that it clearly describes Jonestown even to those who don't know all the details?

On to the next poem:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 725977)
" Untitled 2 "

Daddy and mommy feel the same way
Think you can twist me like molding clay
Won't forget that sisters here

Won't let me live,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear

No hiding in the nooks,
Can't survive in the crannies,
Decibels vibrate cause sisters here
Won't let me run,
Just be like her, dear
Just act like her, dear
Just talk like her, dear
Don't you love us?

Shivs, in the first three lines I am a little confused about who is the subject of the lines. The first one describes the parents. I think the next line, "Think you can twist me like molding clay," is addressed to the parents. So, the poem switches quickly from addressing the parents in third person to addressing them directly. Who is the subject of the third line? Is it the parents who won't forget that sisters live here, or is it the speaker (the "black sheep" sibling) who won't forget it?

Is the following what you mean? (I've added a few words):

Daddy and mommy feel the same way.
They think they can twist me like molding clay.
I can't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live.

The last line ("Don't you love us?") seems especially sad to me: the idea of parents implying that one of their children doesn't love the rest of the family just because he isn't behaving like the rest of them.

I'm glad you are enjoying writing again. It is fun, isn't it? I'm still not done with my rap song, because I get distracted by other ideas!

--Erica

Bucket Foot 09-06-2009 06:09 PM

Good writing dude. Do you play and record? or just write?

I really liked the first one about rape... I like when people cross some sort of boundary.

Also, where in Canada are you from.

Shivs 09-06-2009 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA (Post 730854)
Hi Shivs,
Your poem describes well the chilling events in which many people chose to die, killing their children/infants, because they believed what Jones told them: that death was preferable to not being able to follow their socialist/communist dreams, which they feared would be destroyed after some of the Jonestown cult community members in Guyana of South America killed a U.S. congressman who had visited the compound/community.
I just read Wikipedia's description of Jonestown and what led up to the suicide and murders. Your description also helped explain your poem--without the description, I would not have known what the poem was about.

The topic is a fascinating one. A poem that describes the disturbing side of human thoughts and tragic actions serves as a reminder to check one's own thoughts and avoid making the same mistakes. You are very right that mothers stepped forward so the cyanide poison mixture could be injected into their babies' mouths by syringe, before taking the poison themselves. Some families defected beforehand when they were able to get away. I wish they had all left! !hat saddens me the most is that so many who stayed did not speak up against Jones...how many were afraid to? How many believed him? It sounds like many of the followers did forget there was more to life than idealistic visions, and that even imperfect life is preferable to no life.



I especially liked the stanza above because it would still makes sense to me even if I didn't know the poem was about the Jonestown massacre. I like that the poem asks the questions that people there were asked: "Are you loyal?" which was part of the peer pressure (to which humans are sadly very susceptible) used to try to control others' actions. I wish all those people would have answered, "No, I am not loyal to you. No, your fruit is spoiled; I will not eat it. Life is preferable to non-existence. Being able to live is always preferable to dying, because when you are alive you have a chance to shape life and change the things you don't like."

One recommendation I have is for the poem to include more references to the massacre so that readers can understand what the poem means without needing an explanation about it. Without the explanation I would be confused about parts of the poem, such as the details that refer specifically to Jonestown (for example, "one of nine-o'-nine" and "white nights"). I wonder if there would be a few additional words you could use that would make the poem into a broader description of people following a cult leader while some choose to escape...or perhaps add more information in the poem to explain what the details mean so that it clearly describes Jonestown even to those who don't know all the details?

On to the next poem:



Shivs, in the first three lines I am a little confused about who is the subject of the lines. The first one describes the parents. I think the next line, "Think you can twist me like molding clay," is addressed to the parents. So, the poem switches quickly from addressing the parents in third person to addressing them directly. Who is the subject of the third line? Is it the parents who won't forget that sisters live here, or is it the speaker (the "black sheep" sibling) who won't forget it?

Is the following what you mean? (I've added a few words):

Daddy and mommy feel the same way.
They think they can twist me like molding clay.
I can't forget that sisters here
Won't let me live.

The last line ("Don't you love us?") seems especially sad to me: the idea of parents implying that one of their children doesn't love the rest of the family just because he isn't behaving like the rest of them.

I'm glad you are enjoying writing again. It is fun, isn't it? I'm still not done with my rap song, because I get distracted by other ideas!

--Erica


Hey man, thanks again for the feedback. Yeah, I agree with you, I hoped "The Vat" could have explained itself in the lyrics, but I have no idea how to do it differently! Usually when I write the words come on their own, without thinking, and also usually I'm pretty satisfied with the finished product :P Not to say I'm in love with all my lyrics, pretty sure I'm my own worst critic, haha. It's pretty hard to live up to the good comments I've gotten in the past, which makes it tougher to write than when it did when I first posted here, because now I have a reputation that I have to live up to :P :\ Props to you for churning out such consistently awesome songs Erica! Also, in reference to the second set of lyrics, the line "I can't forget that sisters here" means that the parents constantly make remarks about the "sister" and how wonderful she is, how everything she does is perfect, thus the other sibling hears nothing but praise for his sister, which is pretty hard to ignore, yeah?

Shivs 09-06-2009 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bucket Foot (Post 731113)
Good writing dude. Do you play and record? or just write?

I really liked the first one about rape... I like when people cross some sort of boundary.

Also, where in Canada are you from.


Thanks for the comment dude, and no, I don't play and record right now. I'm hoping to bring everything together once I get a guitar, and possibly add some of my keyboard in there (if I could get my friend to provide some drums, that'd be good too). About the rape song, I agree, I think that we need to cross more boundaries, more lines. We gotta get out of this "I love you girl" or "I love you boy" rut, in my opinion. I'm in Manitoba, and you?

Bucket Foot 09-07-2009 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs (Post 731230)
We gotta get out of this "I love you girl" or "I love you boy" rut, in my opinion. I'm in Manitoba, and you?

exactly, I kinda addressed that in a album review I did of a 3 Doors Down cd the other day.

Im in Prince Edward Island


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