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Old 07-31-2009, 09:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Collab.



If luck were a lady, what colour of dress would she wear?
make-up or not, black or red-coloured hair?
gambler or risk taker - are those butterflies or bees?
only fifty at the time; young and in love.


Houses of cards and odds and ends,
mutual: I feel the same way too,
that birds can sing and the best kids are fruits;
those wedding bells are ringing,
but they sound like gunshot salutes.


Matrimony and wedlock, arrested and developed -
the key to your heart is an autopsy,
or a diamond or ruby gem -
this postcard's from the Atlantic
where the angel's can't swim.


After the afterglow of the alphabet dissipates,
agnosticism and you can unite in dystopia,
but where is that, one might ask?
drowning in the Atlantic, with the angels.


Summertime and sunshine, dancing in the sea,
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
first comes blue, then comes yellow,
then comes a postcard,
straight from the meadow.


If nature was a mother, how many kids would she have?
would she be an alcoholic apathetic?
If you were to ask the dying,
your answer would be split.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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The amount of thought put into this is evident, but it seems a bit "crammed."
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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oo i like. what kind of music would this be? It vaguely reminds me of system of a down for some reason, and I hear it as that kind of harder kind of sound with an intense beat to match the extensive vocabulary. A thoughtful poem, though if it goes into song format, I would re-structure it a bit and add a little chorus bit perhaps. Post some of your other stuff please!
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Old 08-01-2009, 02:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard View Post
The amount of thought put into this is evident, but it seems a bit "crammed."
Probably. I'm kind of, uh, schizophrenic when writing? : d

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
oo i like. what kind of music would this be? It vaguely reminds me of system of a down for some reason, and I hear it as that kind of harder kind of sound with an intense beat to match the extensive vocabulary. A thoughtful poem, though if it goes into song format, I would re-structure it a bit and add a little chorus bit perhaps. Post some of your other stuff please!
It's just a piece of poetry, I hadn't planned on it as playing lyrics. Sure, I'll post some other stuff later.

Last edited by Jester; 08-02-2009 at 10:01 PM.
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Old 08-01-2009, 05:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard View Post
The amount of thought put into this is evident, but it seems a bit "crammed."

I agree.

I really dig these lines:

"those wedding bells are ringing,
but they sound like gunshot salutes."


Matrimony and wedlock, arrested and developed -
the key to your heart is an autopsy,


This stanza I'm not too fond of, it seems like your'e trying to make every single line profound. Agnosticism or any ism's just don't have any emotional impact and they make it seem like your writing an essay on a song rather than writing a song:

After the afterglow of the alphabet dissipates,
agnosticism and you can unite in dystopia,
but where is that, one might ask?
drowning in the Atlantic, with the angels.


They're good lyrics in need of some major skimmin'.I get the impression this is about a really crappy marriage, or fate in general.
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Old 08-01-2009, 07:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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After the afterglow of the alphabet dissipates,
agnosticism and you can unite in dystopia,
but where is that, one might ask?
drowning in the Atlantic, with the angels.


The first line in that stanza just kinda seems off to me, particularly "After the afterglow". Other than that, good work man! I can picture this coming out as something pretty cool in a number of ways.
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Old 08-01-2009, 08:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
After the afterglow
Shivs has a good point. Sometimes repeating the same word in the same sentence works . Like:
Quote:
Asshat writes some Kickass critiques
but...well, in both cases it still seems like a loose brick in the road. :|

It's pretty well thought out--just not entirely finished. But honestly, who am I to tell you that.

peace,
-nick
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