New, non-depressing song

Nicktarist · 08-15-2009, 09:16 AM

Quote:

It's not complex, but I could see it as compelling if delivered with enough soul

yeah, honestly--we look at the lyrics as purely poetry, so if it's boring, than it's boring kinda deal. We don't have music to go on. But remember that some o' the best ye oldé R&B and Rock had the most hammy lyrics. It's just about having something to say and then singing it like you really believe it. Led and Al Green can attest to that.

--sometimes it is about going on a limb and just saying something incredibly stupid. For instance, the song "Cosmic Castaway" has some of the worst (idiotic) lyrics I've ever seen on paper. The music ain't anything special either... BUT, the guy sings it with a conviction that most modern artists don't have. Thus giving the song itself quite a boost in quality.

peace out,
-nick

VeggieLover · 08-15-2009, 01:40 PM

Ya, the beautiful body line kinda didn't seem right... Of course I understand what you mean. Looking at a little baby with her teeny tiny fingers and toes, her soft belly etc...it certainly is beautiful, but in this particular instance the word choice doesn't convey the meaning.

As a lullaby, its a sweet little song. As something bigger, it would need a little work. If you have the means, Id like to hear you singing it. Even a rough recording would be plenty to get the message across.

As far as everyone wanting you dead...well that certianly is a deep depressing assumption. Posting your lyrics..especially ones that mean something to you.. online so that the world can read and critizice is risky buisness. It's hard to come up with lines that are both exciting to read and yet, not too complex for music. Anyway, the more you write the better you'll get. Take people's constructive critisism for what its worth, and leave all the other nonsense behind. There is too much of that in the real world, we don't need to be internalizing it from cyber space too.

Anyway, ill look up the other stuff you posted and read it through, keep working... maybe you'll start moving away from depressing now that you have this song as a starting point.

Rickenbacker · 08-15-2009, 02:24 PM

I stopped at "Your body is so beautiful"

WWWP · 08-15-2009, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwwSugar

You would tell a baby that their beautiful body rules your life?

lol.

asshat · 08-17-2009, 11:31 AM

Yes, babies are beautiful, little miracles and all that good stuff....but I think you should either get rid of either "beautiful" or "rules your world", it's the combination of the two that sends bad vibes.

TheOtherNewestOne · 08-18-2009, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwwSugar

You would tell a baby that their beautiful body rules your life?

^ Exactly. Pedophilic vibe much?

That said, I'm sure that wasn't your intention. However, if you're writing something to put a child to sleep...I wouldn't waste time putting it up here. See if it works; if it does, it has served it's purpose and if it doesn't then it's back to the drawing board. Constructive criticism won't help you either way.

Arya Stark · 08-19-2009, 09:58 PM

I mean... either way a nice lullaby will put a baby to sleep.

Think about the cradle song. >.>

"Down will come baby, cradle and all."

They don't know what it means.

All I'm saying is you can't really justify the lyrics. Because it's a bit weird either way.

Whether the baby knows what you're saying or not, you asked for feedback.

darkcornerinthecloset · 11-09-2009, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwwSugar

I mean... either way a nice lullaby will put a baby to sleep.

Think about the cradle song. >.>

"Down will come baby, cradle and all."

They don't know what it means.

lol yes. that is a very good point and it just made my day

Arya Stark · 11-09-2009, 05:55 PM

You live really close to me.

And thanks.
That's a late reaction. xD

deep_and_depressing · 11-12-2009, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwwSugar

You would tell a baby that their beautiful body rules your life?

yeah . . . that IS a really bad line, the song is mostly about my girlfriend because that's who I was thinking about at the time . . . I was not trying to convey inappropriate emotions for my 7 month old sister.

08-15-2009, 01:40 PM	#12 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	Ya, the beautiful body line kinda didn't seem right... Of course I understand what you mean. Looking at a little baby with her teeny tiny fingers and toes, her soft belly etc...it certainly is beautiful, but in this particular instance the word choice doesn't convey the meaning. As a lullaby, its a sweet little song. As something bigger, it would need a little work. If you have the means, Id like to hear you singing it. Even a rough recording would be plenty to get the message across. As far as everyone wanting you dead...well that certianly is a deep depressing assumption. Posting your lyrics..especially ones that mean something to you.. online so that the world can read and critizice is risky buisness. It's hard to come up with lines that are both exciting to read and yet, not too complex for music. Anyway, the more you write the better you'll get. Take people's constructive critisism for what its worth, and leave all the other nonsense behind. There is too much of that in the real world, we don't need to be internalizing it from cyber space too. Anyway, ill look up the other stuff you posted and read it through, keep working... maybe you'll start moving away from depressing now that you have this song as a starting point. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

08-15-2009, 02:24 PM	#13 (permalink)
Rickenbacker / Join Date: May 2009 Location: The Conn Posts: 1,338	I stopped at "Your body is so beautiful" __________________ last.fm rym Talk About the Passion - R.E.M.'s Discography Reviewed

08-17-2009, 11:31 AM	#15 (permalink)
asshat king of sex Join Date: May 2009 Location: canada Posts: 331	Yes, babies are beautiful, little miracles and all that good stuff....but I think you should either get rid of either "beautiful" or "rules your world", it's the combination of the two that sends bad vibes. __________________ Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/