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Old 08-18-2009, 10:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I've been writing for a little while now and here is one of my newest ones. Please read, comment and critique. any feed back would be appreciated, Enjoy:

The Upright, Lose The Edge

Lets lose the edge
and cuddle close together
lose ourselves in melodies
you're the reason I wrote
no reason there's no forever
I promise to hit the note
that'll prove my soul
through such poetic grammer

Chorus:

Gimme a piano
hammers and strings
I'll share myself
The keys to you're heart
are black and white
I'll make you melt
and fall apart
with a lullaby from me to you

Put down the guitar
take up the upright
lit in moonlight
look to the stars
sing from the inside
soft and slow
its no sign of weakness
just tenderness
love is in the music
music tells of love
love here, coming and gone
and love you don't know

Chorus

Caress the keys
touch your heart
this music is art
that speaks out
you're what its all about
gimme a piano
hammers and strings
I'll make you melt
with a lullaby just to you

a lullaby for lack of sleep
the music dives deep
a lullaby just for you
the music to help you through
a lullaby when I can't be there
the music, it'll keep you here
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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very refreshing. I kind of got the image (at the second verse) of a guy playing a piano on a balcony patio in the streeming moonlight, singing to his lover, amoung greenery etc. The fact that I got an image at all is a relief. You didn't actually use much imagery in the conventential sense, but you managed to tap into my own "image center" to produce something that I'm going to remember.

I love the chorus's double meaning of Key. Bravo
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Old 08-21-2009, 09:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
very refreshing. I kind of got the image (at the second verse) of a guy playing a piano on a balcony patio in the streeming moonlight, singing to his lover, amoung greenery etc. The fact that I got an image at all is a relief. You didn't actually use much imagery in the conventential sense, but you managed to tap into my own "image center" to produce something that I'm going to remember.

I love the chorus's double meaning of Key. Bravo
well thank you very much... im glad you liked it. i always try to avoid the conventional use of techniques and im glad you got the image, that is the exact image i was tryin to put out there, thanks again
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Old 08-21-2009, 10:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Old 08-21-2009, 10:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Chollie Mank doesn't know shit.

I liked the lyrics, they weren't bad at all You may have kind-of overdone it with the metaphors, but otherwise, nice.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Lame
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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well at least you were creative when dont like my lyrics....
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Old 08-26-2009, 10:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I generally stray away from the gushy, corny side of poems, because they are so common anymore that they're just cliche. But this, I liked. You receive kudos from me, friend.
The whole 'keys to your heart, they're white and black' is nicely done. Still, maybe a little to gushy for my tastes.
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Old 08-27-2009, 05:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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well thanks im glad u liked it even if it was a bit gushy for you...lol
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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The gushyness could be nullified with the right musical background. Like i said before, the lyrics are the kind that give me a specific image and connect it to an emotion, which is what is going to make a song memorable and therefore successful. If you go with the classic love song melody type, it could be a little overdone, but if you mess around with the music and find something really heart opening and lacking in the cliche department, id say uve got gold.
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