Pic

Example

"I should be in jail, but not for this crime"


I played hackysack with your emotions,
I swam through your mind like fish swim in the oceans.

Cold hearted?
To put up with you, it have to be frozen,
Broken, Asthmatic, can't breath
So half the time I'm choking..

(Fibber, I got to get her.. Miss her, f***** up how I did her)

But I'm state owned,
To grown,
to blown,
To listen to you lie to me over the phone,

It what it is,
Mouth went to flappin,
Now your solo, raising mutiple kids,
If it would have kept closed,
I wouldnt be doing a bid,
But you chose to try and glow,
Now angel it is what it is.

Is this any better? I'll finish it after a few reviews.


Also response to my last thread,
If I wanted a paperclip I would have wrote in word first.

Rainfall

It most certainly is better, though there are still a few grammical errors. It is an improvement in grammar, technique, and in style. I like the first/second stanza; actual use of some metaphors, so good job.

Keep working at it.

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Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

Nicktarist

much much better. It's understandable and the topic is actually rather interesting. It seems a bit more reflective than most rap. If you wrote it directly to a specific song, than flow isn't too big of a question. Just keep writing and placing your songs (in this thread) and we'll tell you when there's a problem.

peace,
-nick

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