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Old 09-28-2009, 03:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default OK´s Songwriting Adventures!

Hey folks!

I´m new to the forums so let me introduce myself first.
Im 16 years old from Germany and just started an indie/rock band with a good friend.

So here are a few songs I´ve written so far. Hope you enjoy them and leave some feedback.

====
"Happiness"

Woke up from a dream tonight.
I could not sleep.
Dreamed of countrys in fear,
a fear you can not keep.
Saw people dieing, ´cause they did not
believe their lies.
Saw people crying, that couldn´t even
harm a fly.

But I will be fine,
as long as I don´t speak my mind.
I will be fine,
´cause I will keep my thoughts inside.

Today it was exciting,
I tried to lie.
Hope they won´t catch me,
because of thoughtcrime.
The tortured children, the cameras and
the policeman.
I hope someday, all this will come
to an end.

And I will be fine,
as long as I don´t speak my mind.
I will be fine,
´cause I will keep my thoughts inside.

Now there´s the kitchen window,
that I look through.
I see my dream is beginning,
to become true.

===
"Raindrop"

Breathe in. Stand up. The oxygen dives deep into my lungs.
But the air is filled with a poison. The toxin is now freely circulating
in my body. It hurts as it cools all parts of me. My bones and soul.
Somehow I finally feel alive, a little to late now. Look down and around.
The graffiti combines art and waste. This voice has never been seen
by travellers who pass underneath it at 50 miles per hour.
I´m no longer in hurry though.

Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

You spot me. Shout. Cry. I don´t understand anything you say.
I´m slightly loosing control about myself. Is that what you want?
This can´t be what you call love. The bridge is old, majestic, but
weathered. Such irony. Time is slow, our love is low. Time. You told
me once that it wouldn´t change your mindset.
But obviously you were wrong.

Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

Fade away. Loose balance. The trees are turning into grey needles breaking
out of massive concrete. It´s getting colder. But I had no other way to get
through this mess. Your eyes are like small fireballs now, while everything
else gets blurred. I can hear warm voices calling my name now and there is a bright light in front of me.
My body sinks to the ground.


Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

===
"Won´t Be Fine"

I want to declare a war.
I just don´t know what it will be for.
I wanna tell the truth.
Instead of that, I will just let loose.
(Just let loose, just let loose)

I´m holding my breath, until the time runs out.
I´m lost and alone, not for the first time.
I hope that someday you gonna catch my fall.
Although I know, that I won´t be fine...

I got decisions to make.
About people I don´t like coz they speak so fake.
I want to get some luck.
I always seem to just get stuck.
(Just get stuck, just get stuck)

I´m holding my breath, until the time runs out.
I´m lost and alone, not for the first time.
I hope that someday you gonna catch my fall.
Although I know, that I won´t be fine...

===

That´s it for the first post. Got some more things to come.
If you want to listen to some early recordings, visit our youtube channel (click sig).

Kind Regards,
OK
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Old 09-28-2009, 04:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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For the first song especially, you need to focus on using a more active voice than passive voice. Than sentence "I Will Be Fine" should be changed to something like "I can stay alive if I don't speak my mind".

That's a very important line in the song, so it has to use verbs that grab the eyes and ears. That would be your 'active' voice.

Quote:
The tortured children, the cameras and
the policeman.
In the book, they were telescreens, not necessarily cameras. Thoughtpolice. If you change it to:

Quote:
The tortured children, the telescreens and thoughtpolice
I feel as though your using 1984 as more of a metaphor than anything else though, so you don't have to use those terms unless they apply to the situation. If you want a song that really relates the book effectively, you'd do well to check out the song 2+2=5(the lukewarm) by Radiohead (if you haven't already).

Raindrops is a pretty nice song:
Quote:
mouth wide shut.
I kinda like this line--even if it isn't supposed to make sense. It sounds real cool like. Don't change it, no matter what anyone tells you.

I personally prefer the more prose like form of the song. It's more interesting than it would be normally. There's nothing overall wrong with the song. It's all about how you perform it.

Finally, 'I won't be fine' is a rather boring and lackluster poem. It's recommended that you go ahead and get rid of that one because there's not much you could do to fix it.

Keep writing, your not bad for someone who's first language probably isn't English. More descriptive than most english speakers I know.

peace out,
-nick
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hey man thanks for the great feedback.
Of course not all lyrics are going to be songs. Only the best and we need the community to figure out which ones are the best.

By the way, new song on our youtube channel! Check signature link!
New lyrics coming soon too!
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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What style of music are you going for?
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I think we´re going for indie/garage rock kinda things.
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Old 10-05-2009, 07:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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There are some really interesting lines here... "They cannot believe their lies" and "Slightly losing control about myself" caught my eye right away. I'm about your age and American, and your English seems as good as most people I know.
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Old 10-05-2009, 07:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Something about these reminds me of the band Zox. Maybe it's the rain.
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