something

Pillowmint · 10-06-2009, 07:33 PM

Just something I wrote... It will need editing, but I think there are a lot of cool lines here. I just hope I didn't accidentally steal them...

I see you there
Eyes wide with wonder
The world could have been yours
Yet decadence triumphed
All that remains is wonder, and fear,
Such fear as only children can feel
A child left behind, and yet
A lord among the flies

Life comes with no guarantee
So let it all become fantasy
Let tales be told of your dreamland,
Though it will be undone in the end
A false world is better than a dying one

Songs shall be sung of your wisdom,
Of a paradise that bloomed from deceit,
Of the walker of secret ways
Who endured through his souls long retreat

Life comes with no guarantee
So let it all become fantasy
Let tales be told of your dreamland,
Though it will be undone in the end
A false world is better than a dying one

A blistering plain marks the start
Of this most glorious concert,
The mightiest live in the desert
And empires are born in the dark

Life comes with no guarantee
So let it all become fantasy
Let tales be told of your dreamland,
Though it will be undone in the end
A false world is better than a dying one

Pillowmint · 10-08-2009, 04:15 PM

Comments welcome...

Nicktarist · 10-08-2009, 07:00 PM

Well you've got this poem here, and it needs music, or at least some form of context, otherwise there's nothing to say besides the fact that it's good for a poem, although the deep and cutting statements are a little too abundant. It kinda gets to the point where the impact of each stanza is lessened to a greater degree. If you wish to understand what I mean, check out this stanza:

Quote:

When she had her last child,
Once when she had some boyfriends, some wild.
She moved away quite far.
Our grandpa bought us a new VCR.
We watched it all night, but grew up in spite of it.
We watched it all night, but grew up in spite of it.

It's not the greatest example of what I mean, I'll admit, but understand how irrelevant the fourth line is. It seems that way, but it has even more impact because the meaning is made clear in the last two lines. Your waving the hammer around so much that you miss us altogether. Lure us in, and then hit us with a hammer. You see what I'm sayin?

peace out,
-nick

Pillowmint · 10-13-2009, 09:24 PM

I understand what you are saying... But for some reason it seems a whole lot harder to come up with little, ordinary-seeming lines than it is to conjure forth bold statements. That doesn't seem right at all...

Nicktarist · 10-14-2009, 05:05 PM

Quote:

I understand what you are saying... But for some reason it seems a whole lot harder to come up with little, ordinary-seeming lines than it is to conjure forth bold statements. That doesn't seem right at all...

Don't force the change then. The more you write, the more you develop the style. Just keep writing and more original dialouge should come to you after a while.

peace,
-nick

Pillowmint · 10-18-2009, 05:04 PM

Ok, thanks

Pillowmint · 10-21-2009, 04:23 PM

Here is a more recent one I wrote

Do you remember the day we last met?
Tears fell, and tempers rose
You said a thousand useless words
Time told we were both wrong

You wear a smile for the crowd
Throw your dignity to the ground
You live a life, but not your own
How can you think you're innocent?

My soul was torn in two that day
I'd have it any other way
You dream a dream, but not your own
And laugh at my discontent

You have nothing to say
But you shout it out anyway
You die a death, and now it's yours
But what does it have to represent?

Do you remember the day we first met?
Gazes fell, and colors rose
You said a thousand loving words
And we forgot about yesterday

But innocence and beauty fall together
I liked you 'till you did something
I was blind, and nobody
Deserved it more than me

You wear a smile for the crowd
Throw your dignity to the ground
You live a life, but not your own
How can you think you're innocent?

My soul was torn in two that day
I'd have it any other way
You dream a dream, but not your own
And laugh at my discontent

You have nothing to say
But you shout it out anyway
You die a death, and now it's yours
But what does it have to represent?

But innocence and beauty fall together
Lifeblood, mindset, torture chamber
I was so much happier
When I just didn't care

It took a year for me to build the place of your demise
So sad it was wasted, you were taken by surprise
It's odd how "No Emotions" means
One has a heart at ease…

You wear a smile for the crowd
Throw your dignity to the ground
You live a life, but not your own
How can you think you're innocent?

My soul was torn in two that day
I'd have it any other way
You dream a dream, but not your own
And laugh at my discontent

You have nothing to say
But you shout it out anyway
You die a death, and now it's yours
But what does it have to represent?

10-06-2009, 07:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
Pillowmint I Am the Lizard Queen Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 134	something Just something I wrote... It will need editing, but I think there are a lot of cool lines here. I just hope I didn't accidentally steal them... I see you there Eyes wide with wonder The world could have been yours Yet decadence triumphed All that remains is wonder, and fear, Such fear as only children can feel A child left behind, and yet A lord among the flies Life comes with no guarantee So let it all become fantasy Let tales be told of your dreamland, Though it will be undone in the end A false world is better than a dying one Songs shall be sung of your wisdom, Of a paradise that bloomed from deceit, Of the walker of secret ways Who endured through his souls long retreat Life comes with no guarantee So let it all become fantasy Let tales be told of your dreamland, Though it will be undone in the end A false world is better than a dying one A blistering plain marks the start Of this most glorious concert, The mightiest live in the desert And empires are born in the dark Life comes with no guarantee So let it all become fantasy Let tales be told of your dreamland, Though it will be undone in the end A false world is better than a dying one

10-08-2009, 04:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
Pillowmint I Am the Lizard Queen Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 134	Comments welcome...

10-13-2009, 09:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
Pillowmint I Am the Lizard Queen Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 134	I understand what you are saying... But for some reason it seems a whole lot harder to come up with little, ordinary-seeming lines than it is to conjure forth bold statements. That doesn't seem right at all...

10-18-2009, 05:04 PM	#6 (permalink)
Pillowmint I Am the Lizard Queen Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 134	Ok, thanks

10-21-2009, 04:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
Pillowmint I Am the Lizard Queen Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 134	Here is a more recent one I wrote Do you remember the day we last met? Tears fell, and tempers rose You said a thousand useless words Time told we were both wrong You wear a smile for the crowd Throw your dignity to the ground You live a life, but not your own How can you think you're innocent? My soul was torn in two that day I'd have it any other way You dream a dream, but not your own And laugh at my discontent You have nothing to say But you shout it out anyway You die a death, and now it's yours But what does it have to represent? Do you remember the day we first met? Gazes fell, and colors rose You said a thousand loving words And we forgot about yesterday But innocence and beauty fall together I liked you 'till you did something I was blind, and nobody Deserved it more than me You wear a smile for the crowd Throw your dignity to the ground You live a life, but not your own How can you think you're innocent? My soul was torn in two that day I'd have it any other way You dream a dream, but not your own And laugh at my discontent You have nothing to say But you shout it out anyway You die a death, and now it's yours But what does it have to represent? But innocence and beauty fall together Lifeblood, mindset, torture chamber I was so much happier When I just didn't care It took a year for me to build the place of your demise So sad it was wasted, you were taken by surprise It's odd how "No Emotions" means One has a heart at ease… You wear a smile for the crowd Throw your dignity to the ground You live a life, but not your own How can you think you're innocent? My soul was torn in two that day I'd have it any other way You dream a dream, but not your own And laugh at my discontent You have nothing to say But you shout it out anyway You die a death, and now it's yours But what does it have to represent?