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Old 03-14-2010, 03:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hey everyone im not the most experienced writer I only started around a month ago and I have got basslines for most of my songs feedback would be great please. I can only post a few now as my book is at home but I have a few on my computer. Don't be too offended by the crapness.

Exception

No matter what they want you to believe
hanging isnt suicide unless you
tie the noose yourself and personally
tighten it around your tense neck

Why does everything have an exception
If a lies not a lie whats deception?
Its not a condom its contraception
and You cant stay quiet or its "awkward tension"

And entering the next life
doesnt count unless you
wipe your shoes and hang
your jacket at the door

Why does everything have an exception
If a lies not a lie whats deception?
Its not a condom its contraception
and You cant stay quiet or its "awkward tension"

Plus shooting someone isnt murder
unless you have a carefully thought
out plan on how its happening and when
but you have to ask yourself why?

Why does everything have an exception
If a lies not a lie whats deception?
Its not a condom its contraception
and You cant stay quiet or its "awkward tension"

Nothings simple anymore
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi james44754,

I enjoyed the overall idea of your song, which is about the definitions of words and how they relate to the concepts, yet I recommend avoiding opening with the subject of suicide, since this makes the song sound like a "teen angst" song, when it is more than that.

Also, since I've always felt suicide *is* when you kill yourself, the first line doesn't make sense to me: who is trying to get me to believe that a hanging that is not done by the person herself is suicide?

I feel that the ideas in the stanzas aren't necessarily parallels of each other, so I get confused: it sounds like you are pulling together many examples where verbal labels given to situations don't match, or skew the view of, those situations, but some of these examples seem to fit better together than others.

For example, your chorus mentions "you can't stay quiet or its 'awkward tension'" and the fact that condom is a type of contraception...these examples seem very different than suicide, murder/manslaughter, and entering the next life (if there is a next life). I recommend narrowing your focus somewhat so that your examples of your main concept seem more related!

The final line, "Nothing's simple anymore," is your summary line for the piece...though perhaps actually things *are* simple but the way you describe them makes them sound complex?

Just some thoughts! I hope they help.

~ Erica
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hi james44754,

I enjoyed the overall idea of your song, which is about the definitions of words and how they relate to the concepts, yet I recommend avoiding opening with the subject of suicide, since this makes the song sound like a "teen angst" song, when it is more than that.

Also, since I've always felt suicide *is* when you kill yourself, the first line doesn't make sense to me: who is trying to get me to believe that a hanging that is not done by the person herself is suicide?

I feel that the ideas in the stanzas aren't necessarily parallels of each other, so I get confused: it sounds like you are pulling together many examples where verbal labels given to situations don't match, or skew the view of, those situations, but some of these examples seem to fit better together than others.

For example, your chorus mentions "you can't stay quiet or its 'awkward tension'" and the fact that condom is a type of contraception...these examples seem very different than suicide, murder/manslaughter, and entering the next life (if there is a next life). I recommend narrowing your focus somewhat so that your examples of your main concept seem more related!

The final line, "Nothing's simple anymore," is your summary line for the piece...though perhaps actually things *are* simple but the way you describe them makes them sound complex?

Just some thoughts! I hope they help.

~ Erica

Thanks alot ill try to edit the song a little and ill post some others later as I have my book now.
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Old 03-16-2010, 01:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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One that I found in my book I edited it to make the metaphor more obvious but now I think ive made it too obvious but anyway.

Tap
The echoing drip of a running tap
The sink is slowly filling
as everything around is silent
except for the water spilling

If more bad people
Are born every day
I guess our struggling society
Is here to stay
Because in a nation of drunks,
Rascists,and yobs
and an ever decreasing amount of jobs
I guess it will be full soon

The waters up to halfway now
It will overflow soon
And our little country
will be doomed
The owners wont be back for hours
No-one to save us
from the dripping tap

Football Hooligans,
Terrorists
and the endless amount
of corrupt politicians
who couldn't help even
if they could be bothered
We may as well all migrate
theres no way to save us
theres no way to retaliate

Only a second left and then
it will be full
Riots and protests and all that bull
we need to stop now
before its too late
theres a whole new society
we need to help to create
One last drip then an almighty splash
Hopefully now well learn from the past
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Old 09-20-2010, 03:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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bump cause it's what i felt like doing
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Nooooooooooooooooo, don't bump my horrible songs.
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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horrible? how are they horrible here's what i say put these lyrics to an instrumental you've recently written and maybe they'll sound better to you
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