New writer... opinions/tips please!

desmond · 08-31-2011, 06:55 PM

Hi, I've just decided to start writing as a bit of a creative outlet and was looking for an independent opinion. I wrote this poem about facing anxiety, I keep thinking it sounds a bit contrived and forced and was wondering if anyone could hopefully give me some tips to get over this in my writing.

Pass through a lonely street
Heart pounds out the devils beat
Crave the end, admit defeat
Then find, alone, you are elite

Brace yourself to face the fears
They plagued for all these years
Hold on back a flood of tears
Until the fog of battle clears

Stand up tall, your limit's none
The light in you shines brightly on
And when the hellish dark is gone
Know this nightmare's battle's won.

Thanks for reading, I'd really appreciate any feedback.

VEGANGELICA · 08-31-2011, 08:55 PM

Hi desmond,

I feel your poem shows well that anxiety can be like a dark and lonely street that seems to have no outlet.

I noticed several reasons the poem may sound a little forced. As soon as you use "devil," "battle," and "hellish dark" in a poem, it will tend to have a contrived feel. The word "devil" was the one that most caused this reaction in me.

Also, your use of a restrictive rhyme scheme, aaaa bbbb cddc, which required the forceful selection of words, makes the poem sound more forced than it would if you used a rhyme scheme that is not as strict, in my opinion. A looser rhyme scheme that doesn't repeat so many rhyming words in a row within a single stanza would sound more "natural" to me.

I'll go through your poem line by line to give additional feedback in bold.

Quote:

Originally Posted by desmond

Pass through a lonely street.
Your heart pounds out the devil's (<find alternative word?) beat.
Crave the end, admit defeat
Then find, alone, you are elite ("elite" doesn't make sense to me; it sounds as if a main reason you chose it was for the rhyme. What is the meaning you'd like this line to have?)

Brace yourself to face the fears
They plagued for all these years (you could say "plaguing you for all these years" to get the meter closer to iambic tetrameter, which you are often using)
Hold on back a flood of tears ("hold on back" sounds very "country." I think you wanted to say, "Hold back a flood of tears," but added the "on" to get an extra syllable. A way you could say the line's meaning without using "hold on back" is "Try to stop a flood of tears.")
Until the fog of battle clears.

Stand up tall, your limit's none ("Stand up tall" sounds a little cliche to me. I'd prefer it if your description involved the idea of moving forward and through the street, since you start the poem by saying you "pass" through a lonely street, which involves motion)
The light in you shines brightly on
And when the hellish dark is gone
Know this nightmare's battle's won. (You could write, "Know this nightmare's war is won" to avoid using two apostrophes in a row and to avoid using "battle" twice in the poem. Note also that in this stanza you are using the rhyme scheme cddc, and so this seems odd given that the other stanzas are aaaa bbbb.)

I hope this helps!

Izzleface · 09-22-2011, 06:06 AM

Not terrible for a first attempt, keep practising (:

Nosferatu Man · 09-22-2011, 03:01 PM

Yeah but for one or two slightly forced rhymes it is very good for a first attempt, keep it up!

ZYIRE · 09-27-2011, 01:11 AM

Hello! Creative writing is a skill that get's better with experience. Practice makes perfect, so keep at it. Everything worthwhile takes patience. You are able to put your thoughts into words and that's what "creative" writing is all about. Good luck to you, Desmond!

~~deniseA81~~ · 10-04-2011, 02:47 AM

Not bad for a beginners attempt. If you want to improve your writing skills, I have a great resources for your that could help enhance your creativity and talent in writing a song.

Atrocious · 01-05-2012, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by desmond

Crave the end, admit defeat
Then find, alone, you are elite

Stand up tall, your limit's none
Know this nightmare's battle's won.

I love these lines right here, would be a great start up for a whole song.

08-31-2011, 06:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
desmond Groupie Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 1	New writer... opinions/tips please! Hi, I've just decided to start writing as a bit of a creative outlet and was looking for an independent opinion. I wrote this poem about facing anxiety, I keep thinking it sounds a bit contrived and forced and was wondering if anyone could hopefully give me some tips to get over this in my writing. Pass through a lonely street Heart pounds out the devils beat Crave the end, admit defeat Then find, alone, you are elite Brace yourself to face the fears They plagued for all these years Hold on back a flood of tears Until the fog of battle clears Stand up tall, your limit's none The light in you shines brightly on And when the hellish dark is gone Know this nightmare's battle's won. Thanks for reading, I'd really appreciate any feedback.

09-22-2011, 03:01 PM	#4 (permalink)
Nosferatu Man Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 264	Yeah but for one or two slightly forced rhymes it is very good for a first attempt, keep it up! __________________ Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

09-22-2011, 06:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
Izzleface Groupie Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: UK Posts: 1	Not terrible for a first attempt, keep practising (:

09-27-2011, 01:11 AM	#5 (permalink)
ZYIRE Groupie Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: New York, NY Posts: 3	Hello! Creative writing is a skill that get's better with experience. Practice makes perfect, so keep at it. Everything worthwhile takes patience. You are able to put your thoughts into words and that's what "creative" writing is all about. Good luck to you, Desmond!

10-04-2011, 02:47 AM	#6 (permalink)
~~deniseA81~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Philippines Posts: 3	Not bad for a beginners attempt. If you want to improve your writing skills, I have a great resources for your that could help enhance your creativity and talent in writing a song.