Wrote a song

Jabonator · 02-17-2013, 02:33 AM

Some time ago, a long time since I've last written anything, inspiration hit me to write a song from the point of view of an old man in his deathbed. 30 minutes later I was done with a rough version of the lyrics. Feedback is appreciated.

Regrets

Looking back at my past, waiting to meet my maker
Things I've done, places I've been, people I've known
What was it for, was it all worth it?
I want to go in peace

Wish I had been kinder, happier
Wish I had been there for my family
Wish I had lived my life better
If only I knew it would pass so fast
I'd have lived in the moment, not dwelled on the past
Wish I had loved more

All my loved ones around me, saying their goodbyes
I won't cry, I hide behind my pride
I want to go with a smile
Fame my fears of not fearing anymore
There won't be another day

Wish I had been kinder, happier
Wish I had been there for my family
Wish I had lived my life better
If only I knew it would pass so fast
I'd have lived in the moment, not dwelled on the past
Wish I had loved more

I'm kinda liking some of the parts, but feel like some parts don't work as well, and it makes the whole thing a bit unbalanced.

ThatBlueFluffyDude · 02-21-2013, 09:05 AM

I like the chorus, I think the verses need some work. The last two lines on the second verse is the only weak point for me really.

Black Francis · 02-21-2013, 08:50 PM

"I won't cry, I hide behind my pride
I want to go with a smile
Fame my fears of not fearing anymore
There won't be another day"

that was my favourite part,
i liked the concept of the song, but you could be more descriptive and the chorus less predictable
just my opinion, but overall i liked it

Jabonator · 02-26-2013, 03:03 AM

Thanks for the kinds words, guys. I don't write that much, and never got any feedback on any of my writing, so it's good to get some words of encouragement. My favorite line from this is "If only I knew it would pass so fast, I'd had lived in the moment, not dwelled on the past."

As said, I haven't written much. Occasionally I come up with a couple lines, but not finish a song about it, so there are only a few full songs. Here's one I've been trying to figure the arrangement for as well. The structure is ABACAB, in the A part there is a piano lick I keep playing over and over. B and C are accompanied by a straight piano beat.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know you
Soemtimes I feel I am you
And it makes me scared

You've taught me a lot, both good and bad
You've made me happy, you've made me sad,
You helped me grow, you made me a mand
You've made me who I am

I looked up to you, I followed your lead
You picked me up, and let me down

I'd want to say 'I forgive you', but I'm not sure if I do
Maybe you couldn't help it
I know it's been tough for you too
But I can't help thinking

I try to put it past us, try to start from scratch
But the past is too strong, it will always remain

I'm past the anger and the sadness, I'm through all the phases
I've felt many things throughout this journey, solely because of you
I'm numb inside, all the feelings are dead
All that is left is disappointment

Jabonator · 06-01-2013, 04:24 AM

Written a couple songs since, and actually put them out on my YouTube channel. Feedback appreciated.

kissrevenge · 06-04-2013, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jabonator

Written a couple songs since, and actually put them out on my YouTube channel. Feedback appreciated.

I enjoyed cold feet thought it was quite creative!!

ChemicalBurn · 06-18-2013, 07:27 AM

Not bad, my criticism would be rhymes; a song has gotta rhyme for me but I like that its deep

Circus Horse · 06-19-2013, 01:08 PM

I like "Cold Feet" too.

WillCorbin · 06-20-2013, 07:10 AM

I also write tunes, and everybody goes through the indecision and insecurity of their songs, but I've found that you just have to hear them enough times to trick yourself into becoming the listener rather than the creator. More often than not things you think don't work probably do, but we like to self destruct

Jabonator · 10-12-2013, 08:05 AM

Been quite some time, but I wrote a new song.

Raindrops
Forming puddles
Colors changing
To yellow and red
To grey

The North wind blows
Falling leaves
Trees are bending
All the lights
Fade away

Summer is gone
See me
Fall

It's getting colder
Darkness falls
Birds escaping
Towards warmth

I should follow
Fly like the larks
Run from the dark
The nights
The thoughts

Summer is gone
See me
Fall

Summer is gone
See me
Fall

02-17-2013, 02:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
Jabonator Groupie Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Finland Posts: 32	Wrote a song Some time ago, a long time since I've last written anything, inspiration hit me to write a song from the point of view of an old man in his deathbed. 30 minutes later I was done with a rough version of the lyrics. Feedback is appreciated. Regrets Looking back at my past, waiting to meet my maker Things I've done, places I've been, people I've known What was it for, was it all worth it? I want to go in peace Wish I had been kinder, happier Wish I had been there for my family Wish I had lived my life better If only I knew it would pass so fast I'd have lived in the moment, not dwelled on the past Wish I had loved more All my loved ones around me, saying their goodbyes I won't cry, I hide behind my pride I want to go with a smile Fame my fears of not fearing anymore There won't be another day Wish I had been kinder, happier Wish I had been there for my family Wish I had lived my life better If only I knew it would pass so fast I'd have lived in the moment, not dwelled on the past Wish I had loved more I'm kinda liking some of the parts, but feel like some parts don't work as well, and it makes the whole thing a bit unbalanced.

02-21-2013, 08:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
Black Francis Out of Place Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: in an abstract house Posts: 4,111	"I won't cry, I hide behind my pride I want to go with a smile Fame my fears of not fearing anymore There won't be another day" that was my favourite part, i liked the concept of the song, but you could be more descriptive and the chorus less predictable just my opinion, but overall i liked it __________________ "Hey Kids you got to meet the MIGHTY PIXIES!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbRbCtIgW3A

02-21-2013, 09:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
ThatBlueFluffyDude Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Midlands, England Posts: 50	I like the chorus, I think the verses need some work. The last two lines on the second verse is the only weak point for me really.

02-26-2013, 03:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
Jabonator Groupie Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Finland Posts: 32	Thanks for the kinds words, guys. I don't write that much, and never got any feedback on any of my writing, so it's good to get some words of encouragement. My favorite line from this is "If only I knew it would pass so fast, I'd had lived in the moment, not dwelled on the past." As said, I haven't written much. Occasionally I come up with a couple lines, but not finish a song about it, so there are only a few full songs. Here's one I've been trying to figure the arrangement for as well. The structure is ABACAB, in the A part there is a piano lick I keep playing over and over. B and C are accompanied by a straight piano beat. Sometimes I feel like I don't know you Soemtimes I feel I am you And it makes me scared You've taught me a lot, both good and bad You've made me happy, you've made me sad, You helped me grow, you made me a mand You've made me who I am I looked up to you, I followed your lead You picked me up, and let me down I'd want to say 'I forgive you', but I'm not sure if I do Maybe you couldn't help it I know it's been tough for you too But I can't help thinking I try to put it past us, try to start from scratch But the past is too strong, it will always remain I'm past the anger and the sadness, I'm through all the phases I've felt many things throughout this journey, solely because of you I'm numb inside, all the feelings are dead All that is left is disappointment

06-01-2013, 04:24 AM	#5 (permalink)
Jabonator Groupie Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Finland Posts: 32	Written a couple songs since, and actually put them out on my YouTube channel. Feedback appreciated.

06-18-2013, 07:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
ChemicalBurn Groupie Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: Buxton, Derbyshire, England Posts: 5	Not bad, my criticism would be rhymes; a song has gotta rhyme for me but I like that its deep

06-19-2013, 01:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
Circus Horse Groupie Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: Scotland Posts: 17	I like "Cold Feet" too.

06-20-2013, 07:10 AM	#9 (permalink)
WillCorbin Groupie Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: Bangkok Posts: 1	I also write tunes, and everybody goes through the indecision and insecurity of their songs, but I've found that you just have to hear them enough times to trick yourself into becoming the listener rather than the creator. More often than not things you think don't work probably do, but we like to self destruct

10-12-2013, 08:05 AM	#10 (permalink)
Jabonator Groupie Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Finland Posts: 32	Been quite some time, but I wrote a new song. Raindrops Forming puddles Colors changing To yellow and red To grey The North wind blows Falling leaves Trees are bending All the lights Fade away Summer is gone See me Fall It's getting colder Darkness falls Birds escaping Towards warmth I should follow Fly like the larks Run from the dark The nights The thoughts Summer is gone See me Fall Summer is gone See me Fall