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Old 01-12-2015, 02:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 3
Default Stained

This is a first draft, so any and all feedback is welcome! Thanks for reading!


This skin.
A shell and empty void
It's all that's left, and all I feel
Emotionally destroyed

This carcass.
Bones bleached white by sun
Nothing left but skeletons,
You're just another one.

All that's left is desiccated
Another life's been devastated
By inner strength overestimated
Emotions forever stained

This husk.
Its all that's left to see
You see it's cracks, and watch it crumble
There's nothing left of me

All that's left is dessicated
Another life's been devastated
By inner strength overestimated
Emotions forever stained

I don't know if I can come back
With a heart that's crushed and black
Sanity about to crack
I'm forever stained

All that's left is dessicated
Another life's been devastated
By inner strength overestimated
Emotions forever stained

I'm forever stained
TheWritingClam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 11:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
Because I Am, I Can!
 
CoNtrivedNiHilism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,128
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheWritingClam View Post
This is a first draft, so any and all feedback is welcome! Thanks for reading!


This skin.
A shell and empty void
It's all that's left, and all I feel
Emotionally destroyed

This carcass.
Bones bleached white by sun
Nothing left but skeletons,
You're just another one.

All that's left is desiccated
Another life's been devastated
By inner strength overestimated
Emotions forever stained

This husk.
Its all that's left to see
You see its cracks, and watch it crumble
There's nothing left of me

All that's left is dessicated
Another life's been devastated
By inner strength overestimated
Emotions forever stained

I don't know if I can come back
With a heart that's crushed and black
Sanity about to crack
I'm forever stained

All that's left is dessicated
Another life's been devastated
By inner strength overestimated
Emotions forever stained

I'm forever stained
First time I've looked at something written by a member here and been compelled to comment.

You follow sort of a generic model of writing lyrics/poetry. I challenge you to write something new that doesn't use so much of the overdone phrasing or imagery, because I feel like I've read/and or heard this before for what feels like the hundredth time. Black Veil Brides could take this and make a song from it, because it's as simple in form. I'm not saying to be cryptic or over complicated, and I'm not saying that the simplistic approach is always bad. But often when one pushes a bit harder, the result can be pretty rewarding, not to mention surprising, exciting...

Ultimately, you should write in whatever way you're comfortable with. But bare in mind that you'll only be limiting your own creativity and growth as a writer by not taking any advice, constructively, to help better structure your approach to what you want to express.
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