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Old 02-20-2015, 10:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I don't care by Clarissa Dupuis (me)

This song I wrote when I was going to church and stuff. It's not the whole song as I haven't written all of it yet. Here is I Don't Care by myself.

I don't care who you think you are
Or who you think you outta be.
Cause when we're all together in
his great big house, it doesn't
Matter where you come from or where you're going. All that matters is

When I stand in the church
Face to face and in the word
I see Gods hands and I see Gods feet.
Lift us up, Lord
Stand in the way of temptation
Protect us from the outside that's looking in, that's looking in.

I would greatly appreciate any critiques or anything you have to say, thanks!
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Old 02-21-2015, 08:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Clarissa,

I have four thoughts or suggestions to share:

(1) I feel your song is conveying your meaning well and would resonate wonderfully with many Christians, because the song describes honoring God and feeling focused on God as a savior and protector. I have heard quite a few Christians expressing the view that God is the most important entity in their lives and takes primacy over all other aspects of an individual's life, so I think your song would speak to them.

(2) I like the loose rhyming that you use in the chorus (I think of the second stanza as the chorus), where you end lines with "word / Lord" and also "temptation / in," such that I feel a satisfying sense of the lines being paired when I try singing them.

(3) I think it would be nice if your lyrics included a little more rhyming in the first verse. I would recommend changing the first verse so that the fourth line down rhymes with the word "be" that ends the second line.

For example, you could take "God's feet" from the chorus and put it in the first verse, and replace "God's feet" with "God's deeds" in the Chorus.

You could also add the word "knowing" to the first verse to rhyme with "going" and lead into the chorus more gently. I think a big part of the Christian belief system involves a feeling of knowing the religion is true, and so using the word "knowing" would help emphasize that faith, I feel.

(4) Finally, to add a little more rhyming in the chorus stanza, you could add another line that rhymes with "temptation," such as "Save us, Your creation," or perhaps use that in a second version of the chorus later in the song. What works best depends on your melody, of course! I also recommend removing the second "that's" from the last line because I think the line flows better if you simply repeat "looking in."

I put my suggested changes in bold below for you to consider as you continue crafting your song:

* * *

I don't care who you think you are
Or who you think you outta be.
Cause when we're all together
in his great [...] house at God's feet, [OR "in God's great house at His feet,"]
it doesn't matter where you come from
or where you're going.
All that matters is knowing

When I stand in the church
Face to face and in the word,
I see God's hands, I see God's deeds.
Lift us up, Lord.
Stand in the way of temptation.
Save us, your creation.
Protect us from the outside that's looking in, [...] looking in.
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Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 02-21-2015 at 08:23 AM.
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Old 02-22-2015, 11:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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@VEGANGELICA- thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm not sure how else to say it! I will go off of that! The "Stand in the way of temptation, Save us, your creation." Sounds so much better!
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Old 02-23-2015, 12:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Does God keep his nails well groomed?
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Old 02-24-2015, 01:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grtwhtgrvty View Post
Does God keep his nails well groomed?
Don't know. Why don't you ask him?
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Old 02-24-2015, 09:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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He doesn't answer my calls. I've left like 50 voicemails. Friendship is supposed to be two ways tbh I feel kinda shafted..
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