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Old 07-25-2005, 01:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sick Pleasure

This isnt a song its a poem though and a very good one i think.

I see you crying
it brings me sick pleasure
to see you there
down upon your knees
the same sick pleasure
you saw for me

but now the ro;es are reversed my friend
i see you as you saw me
such vulnerability such pain
bestows the face
the beautiful face i see
pain becomes you my love
you almost look sane

tell me what you think thanx!
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Old 07-25-2005, 02:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Babygoth
This isnt a song its a poem though and a very good one i think.

I see you crying
it brings me sick pleasure
to see you there
down upon your knees
the same sick pleasure
you saw for me

but now the ro;es are reversed my friend
i see you as you saw me
such vulnerability such pain
bestows the face
the beautiful face i see
pain becomes you my love
you almost look sane

tell me what you think thanx!
wow
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Old 07-29-2005, 08:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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^ why would you say wow. that was trite, unoriginal, and quite frankly awful.
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Old 07-29-2005, 10:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riseagainstrocks
^ why would you say wow. that was trite, unoriginal, and quite frankly awful.
Your review a tad harsh I feel.

I feel the piece is quite powerful and just the right length.
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Old 07-30-2005, 02:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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While I won't be quite as cutting as Riseagainst was, his sentiment isn't wrong. Let me outline a few things here that you could improve on (imo of course):

This is as abstract as it gets, you don't have characters, you don't have names, you don't have a situation, you don't have a history. What we have is revenge, and revenge alone. its not enough to move people. Alot of young poets when first starting out follow the pop ethos "i think its really good because everyone can relate" but thats not what anyone wants. What major literary work, regardles of format, had such a minimalist point of reference. We need a story, we love stories.

Without the exact definition of exposition, thats what you have. Lines like "now the tables have reversed my friend", thats a landmine, and when readers cross over it, it kills them in their tracks.

Don't tell us the tables are reversed, show us, have the characters do something to let us know they are reversed. Or if you had to (and im not condoning this) have the character tell us, but this 3rd person omnicient dictating doesn't usually connect with readers.

Your final line did have good potential. "You almost look sane" was really nice, because we don't usually see people in pain look logical. Pain is traditionally an emotional area, so to use logic instead of emotion was a nice touch. Keep working at it. Read some more poetry, you'll get there, we all start somewhere and its usually crap.
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Old 08-03-2005, 09:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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ok a couple of you guys suck!! and no its not how everyone can relate its how i can relate oh if you were in the same situations i was in you would be pretty damn proud of it to this is not a damn childrens novel i dont need characters this is what i feel what was/has been brewing inside me for years and i finally i have found a way of expressing my feelings so alll you mean people f*** off and if you dont like it dont read my page. Oh and by the way i wrote that in 15 minutes in for an english assignment
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Old 08-03-2005, 10:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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i dont know its cool if you can even write a song in my opinion
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We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.
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Old 08-03-2005, 05:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I like that alot..I like when **** gets reversed, and ya know it always does , even if real life..cool ****
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Old 08-14-2005, 11:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Babygoth
ok a couple of you guys suck!! and no its not how everyone can relate its how i can relate oh if you were in the same situations i was in you would be pretty damn proud of it to this is not a damn childrens novel i dont need characters this is what i feel what was/has been brewing inside me for years and i finally i have found a way of expressing my feelings so alll you mean people f*** off and if you dont like it dont read my page. Oh and by the way i wrote that in 15 minutes in for an english assignment
and that explains everything

the reason for posting in here is so you can get insites from others. if you cant take a little constructive criticism, then you should be the one ****ing off, sweetheart.
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Old 08-15-2005, 08:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
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^



yuuuuuuuuup... most true...
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