Music Banter
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Music Banter (https://www.musicbanter.com/)
-   Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry (https://www.musicbanter.com/song-writing-lyrics-poetry/)
-   -   rate 4 lines... more to it, however, can't give it all away (https://www.musicbanter.com/song-writing-lyrics-poetry/86593-rate-4-lines-more-however-cant-give-all-away.html)

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard 06-15-2016 05:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by pansy gayboy 69 (Post 1710165)
there.
Aren't we all? I thought that's what this site was for.

kibbeh 06-15-2016 05:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qwertyy (Post 1710183)
Aren't we all? I thought that's what this site was for.
i know i am ;)

WhyBanhammer 06-16-2016 11:52 AM
I'm shocked, no major criticism?

Zhanteimi 06-16-2016 03:26 PM
What do you want us to say? That "eyes sinking" is, at best, a sloppy metaphor?

WhyBanhammer 06-16-2016 07:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordwyr (Post 1710779)
What do you want us to say? That "eyes sinking" is, at best, a sloppy metaphor?
Then you'd just be digging to be a critic...

Zhanteimi 06-16-2016 08:00 PM
Digging?

WhyBanhammer 06-16-2016 09:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordwyr (Post 1710944)
Digging?
Because, obviously nobody has had anything negative to say. So it couldn't be that bad... I guess it's not much to rate.. Now if you were able to explain how it's a bad metaphor and how it could improve I might just believe you.

Janszoon 06-16-2016 09:23 PM
It's amazing writing. Truly Fred Durst level poetry.

The Batlord 06-16-2016 09:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyBanhammer (Post 1711011)
Because, obviously nobody has had anything negative to say. So it couldn't be that bad... I guess it's not much to rate.. Now if you were able to explain how it's a bad metaphor and how it could improve I might just believe you.
Because nobody cares enough to comment then it must be good?

Zhanteimi 06-16-2016 11:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyBanhammer (Post 1709916)
Maybe your mind will change,
or I'll watch you bleed
The "maybe" doesn't make any sense. It'd be better if you cut "maybe", but it will still suck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyBanhammer (Post 1709916)
And maybe your eyes will sink,
Before you breathe
The "maybe" at least makes sense here, but then it's followed by an eyes sinking metaphor. I just see eyeballs sinking in the water. Not only is that a nonsensical metaphor, but I think eyeballs float. Could be wrong. Can anyone confirm this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyBanhammer (Post 1709916)
Maybe your mind will fail,
before you care
Like, as in senility? So the singer is dating an old woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyBanhammer (Post 1709916)
And maybe you're just hard to take...
That's what she said.


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