HOLY S*** I'M JEALOUS!!! I can't use the original anymore... I've been beat... I have no talent anyways oh well.

Smile and while?

Something like that?

She's shy and self-conscious
not ready to come out
but I'll sit her down and say
we've got a lot to talk about

That's the only part worth keeping.
Learn from that part and rewrite the rest using the same structure.

Really? I think it's a tad corny sounding. My favorite part is:

...and that isn't corny? :laughing:

>.< I still like it. =[

:laughing:

On another note, his lyrics remind me of a horrid new song off of Nickelback's latest album.

I think the lyrics are;

"I'd come for you
No one, but you
Yes, I'd come for you
But only if you want me to"

Something tells me he probably had this stuck in his head as he was writing.
Listen to the song "I'd Come For You".......I bet you will agree with me.

Oh goodness.

My ex-drummer is obsessed with that band.

I liked:
And hated:
If your turning this into a song, replacing that with a chorus would be good. Overall though it wasn't that bad.

I love the band, myself.
I despise alot of their really poppy and cheesey songs like that one, though.

I like some of their songs. Yesterday, my boyfriend was listening to them and it reminded me of some of the good songs they have.

I'm not a guy and I don't think I've ever heard that song sooo whatever.

Wait, I totally posted that in the wrong thread....I meant to post that in the "Is it needed to make sense?" thread.....:laughing:

Ink
 

So I've had my fair share of screw ups in my life and one of them was kissing my best friend, she wrote a really depressing poem and I converted the poem into a song. This is my personal favorite.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ink
Written by: Anne
Converted by: Angie

A demon sits beside me in the dark,
boring deep into my heart,
and ripping my soul apart.

[chorus]Ink from two irises I see,
staring intently at me.
What is she thinking?
What does this mean?
Don't ask if you don't want an answer

This dark mask of indifference I wear,
a mental scarring here and there.
My mask is shattered by the tears,
and I let in my greatest fear.

[chorus]

I don't want to believe it's you,
but sadly I know it's true.
I'm saying goodbye my friend,
because you're bringing us to an end.

[chorus]

A dark path you have taken,
let the monster inside awaken.[x2]

Editedness!!!! It's a song now! Hopefully it's less cheesy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl sits on her bed,
tears in her eyes.
and begs God not to let her cry.
She wants another girl,
more than anything in the world.
One to love and one to hold.
And I say to her.

[chorus] You are my life's ambition,
and I've been waiting for you to save me from myself.
Come on there's no admition,
we are both on our way to Hell.

She hides in the shadows not ready to say,
ashamed that she feels this way.
Nobody knows,
she doesn't want to be with him.
'Cause she won't show her new-found sin.

[chorus]

I am her alabi,
I will ride shotgun on her Hellbound life,
and she'll have a place in mine.
I have waited for so long,
and still she's yet to appear.
Even when things go wrong,
I will be waiting right here.

Take your hand,
put it in mine,
I'll be here 'till the end of time[x4]

[chorus]

you ppl are SOO mean to me! eveyone is so f***ing judgemental!

What makes you say that...darkcornerinthecloset?

^ :laughing:

It's a lot less cheesy.

Edit: This sounds the least bit cheesy:

http://www.legaljuice.com/judge.jpg

sentenced to never posting again

go away

umm, what time exactly did you write this? cause if anyone could make me feel like a horrible person its you

What the hell are you talking about?

deep_and_depressing/darkcornerinthecloset/Dreamdeath132...


...suicide pact?

you all judge me in what deep_and_depressing says but how can you when you never met me. i dont mean to cause people pain but i do. im NOT a masochist. i hurt myself in the process just as much

^:rofl:

ur wrong. when you have love your open to attack

Either comment on the piece written in the first post or fuck off

wtf? thats not nice! we are all havin a CONVERSATION here that directly links to the piece of writing as we are philosophizing [or, not, some of us know what were talking about] about what this person means! so why dont YOU **** off. damn it. every party has a pooper. ever heard of that? its an old saying and the pooper is YOU!

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard before in my life.
Anyways, yes, Urban is known to shit huge logs of mustard-colored crap that can last the duration of the party, but come on! HES JUST A TEENAGER THAT NOBODY LIKES WHY CANT ANYONE RELATE TO HIM HES ALL ALONE
/wrists

The poem is alright. I think it could be more condensed, or subtle. How literate you are is equal to the amount of life you can reflect in the smallest amount of words. Keep working on it. Also, I'd start looking at your part in everything and stop worying about how the exterior world effects you, destroy some character defects. Seeing your part is also knowing what you can control, and it takes more then the other person to be dysfunctional.

Okay, well I read the supposedly depressing one. This one is much better, and the edited version of this one kicks the originals ass. Keep at it. Work on condensing and depth. so, another note, what would you be getting out of this chick you can't get yourself?

Ah-ha-ahahahaha! I can't help having a sense of humor. I think it has pretty words, I didn't examine it close enough but possibly well use of diction. Is this extended metaphor?

i agree with you completely, although she already edited it

yeah its an extended metaphor. the demon is the corrupter of the others' mind [the converter, not the original poet]. the mask is the person who lets no one in, who shows no emotion to the outside world. the mask was shattered when the author of the converter version cried, and the latter let them into their life again. the ink from the Iris' are exactly what they are; dark colored eyes.

I really enjoyed the lyrics, they're strong and the imagery is right on.

Ink from two irises I see,
staring intently at me.

That is my favorite line

I understand where you are coming from (OP), but I've never really been able to write about it, because the emotions stop me from writing well (which seems like the opposite should happen). It's a good effort, but it definitely could be improved. (I didn't kiss my best friend, but laying on him and holding hands and him continually lying really crushed my feelings)

are you saying your g**? or are you a girl. hmm. cause most of us talk about homo experiences, as far as i can tell

wooow sense when did the word for guy homos and also happines [lol] start getting bleeped. ****!!!

Wow, I suddenly have more respect for the poem/song.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.