stuck (lyrics, Kiss, shows, quote, song)

Schizotypic · 02-20-2009, 03:09 PM

The poem is alright. I think it could be more condensed, or subtle. How literate you are is equal to the amount of life you can reflect in the smallest amount of words. Keep working on it. Also, I'd start looking at your part in everything and stop worying about how the exterior world effects you, destroy some character defects. Seeing your part is also knowing what you can control, and it takes more then the other person to be dysfunctional.

Schizotypic · 02-20-2009, 03:21 PM

Okay, well I read the supposedly depressing one. This one is much better, and the edited version of this one kicks the originals ass. Keep at it. Work on condensing and depth. so, another note, what would you be getting out of this chick you can't get yourself?

Schizotypic · 02-21-2009, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by right-track

deep_and_depressing/darkcornerinthecloset/Dreamdeath132...

...suicide pact?

Ah-ha-ahahahaha! I can't help having a sense of humor. I think it has pretty words, I didn't examine it close enough but possibly well use of diction. Is this extended metaphor?

darkcornerinthecloset · 02-21-2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FaSho

I liked:

And hated:

If your turning this into a song, replacing that with a chorus would be good. Overall though it wasn't that bad.

i agree with you completely, although she already edited it

darkcornerinthecloset · 02-21-2009, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schizotypic

Ah-ha-ahahahaha! I can't help having a sense of humor. I think it has pretty words, I didn't examine it close enough but possibly well use of diction. Is this extended metaphor?

yeah its an extended metaphor. the demon is the corrupter of the others' mind [the converter, not the original poet]. the mask is the person who lets no one in, who shows no emotion to the outside world. the mask was shattered when the author of the converter version cried, and the latter let them into their life again. the ink from the Iris' are exactly what they are; dark colored eyes.

Feign · 02-21-2009, 04:08 PM

I really enjoyed the lyrics, they're strong and the imagery is right on.

Ink from two irises I see,
staring intently at me.

That is my favorite line

Feign · 02-21-2009, 06:02 PM

I understand where you are coming from (OP), but I've never really been able to write about it, because the emotions stop me from writing well (which seems like the opposite should happen). It's a good effort, but it definitely could be improved. (I didn't kiss my best friend, but laying on him and holding hands and him continually lying really crushed my feelings)

darkcornerinthecloset · 02-21-2009, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feign

I understand where you are coming from (OP), but I've never really been able to write about it, because the emotions stop me from writing well (which seems like the opposite should happen). It's a good effort, but it definitely could be improved. (I didn't kiss my best friend, but laying on him and holding hands and him continually lying really crushed my feelings)

are you saying your g**? or are you a girl. hmm. cause most of us talk about homo experiences, as far as i can tell

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkcornerinthecloset

are you saying your g**? or are you a girl. hmm. cause most of us talk about homo experiences, as far as i can tell

wooow sense when did the word for guy homos and also happines [lol] start getting bleeped. ****!!!

Schizotypic · 02-21-2009, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkcornerinthecloset

yeah its an extended metaphor. the demon is the corrupter of the others' mind [the converter, not the original poet]. the mask is the person who lets no one in, who shows no emotion to the outside world. the mask was shattered when the author of the converter version cried, and the latter let them into their life again. the ink from the Iris' are exactly what they are; dark colored eyes.

Wow, I suddenly have more respect for the poem/song.

Rob-Boy · 02-21-2009, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

CUZ I'M JUST A KIIIIIIIIID AND LIFE IS A NIIIIIGHTMARE!!!!11

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

02-20-2009, 03:09 PM	#71 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	The poem is alright. I think it could be more condensed, or subtle. How literate you are is equal to the amount of life you can reflect in the smallest amount of words. Keep working on it. Also, I'd start looking at your part in everything and stop worying about how the exterior world effects you, destroy some character defects. Seeing your part is also knowing what you can control, and it takes more then the other person to be dysfunctional.

02-20-2009, 03:21 PM	#72 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Okay, well I read the supposedly depressing one. This one is much better, and the edited version of this one kicks the originals ass. Keep at it. Work on condensing and depth. so, another note, what would you be getting out of this chick you can't get yourself?

02-21-2009, 04:08 PM	#76 (permalink)
Feign Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California Posts: 66	I really enjoyed the lyrics, they're strong and the imagery is right on. Ink from two irises I see, staring intently at me. That is my favorite line

02-21-2009, 06:02 PM	#77 (permalink)
Feign Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California Posts: 66	I understand where you are coming from (OP), but I've never really been able to write about it, because the emotions stop me from writing well (which seems like the opposite should happen). It's a good effort, but it definitely could be improved. (I didn't kiss my best friend, but laying on him and holding hands and him continually lying really crushed my feelings)