The Pariah, The Messiah (quote, memory, Erhu, Lute, hands)

Crowe · 03-10-2007, 02:57 AM

You know, I really like this one but damned if I don't feel like something is MISSSIng.... what do you guys think?

The Pariah, The Messiah

I know it may be hard to believe,
But I was once a brilliant light,
In a sea of the unforeseen.
I would attract the stares of,
A muddled and filthy crowd.

Now you see me here,
My diluted physical state.
My mental faculties aren't
Fairing much better.
This is my dim twilight.

But such as I am I still
Possess the power of memory.
And the passion it takes,
To pass on the secret of,
My luminous downfall.

Your hands have the power to heal,
Use them wisely and fair.
Briefly visit the pain of others,
Feel their despair.
With this gift, be bountiful.

Your voice carries in it hope,
Be generous with your words.
Gaze into the sorrow of others,
Search their eyes for light.
Teach them of their inner strength.

Finally the source of my radiance.
It was my manifestation of faith.
My very presence among them,
Was proof enough that I humbly
Gave to them my own life.

Be wary of the corrupt.
Do not grace them with your radiance,
Their sins are a disease.
Feeding on the light you bring.
You will see this disease in the heart of me.

And soon my life will cease to be.

Soon your post will you take.

Bright in the darkness of the human race.

**sleepy jack** · 03-10-2007, 03:08 AM

Be wary of the corrupt.
Do not grace them with your radiance,
Their sins are a disease.

I think those three lines could be more impactful I don't know how...but I just think they could.

"You will see this disease in the heart of me.

And soon my heart will cease to be."

I think it takes away from that part having heart used twice maybe place those lines in one part together and do something like.

"You will see this disease in me,
And soon my heart with cease to be."

or

"You will see this disease in the heart of me,
And soon it will cease to be"

i dont know i just don't like using a keyword twice so close together.

I really really liked this, my favorite one i've seen from you recently.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 03-10-2007, 09:34 AM

Psh. More like the Pariah, the Messiah and the /\/00b. Lol, jk.

How about an overall point? You give us imagery, but no plot or objective. I like your imagery, but c'mon.

"You will see this disease in the heart of me,
And soon it will cease to be"
^ Ethan's right. /\/008.

~~TheUsedToolguy~~ · 03-10-2007, 09:35 AM

That was really cool. When you are your higher self, you're able to see people for what they are, so if you see an adult who is misbehaving, becoming impatient or acting rudely, you're able to see with less judgment and more compassion, because you're thinking, 'you know, I can see why this person acts this way, because everyone has that potential inside of them,' I've been extremely impatient before, and extremely rude before, so I can sympathize with that behavior. It gives me a lot of clarity to see people as they really are-understand that they're not probably not trying to scare me or just cause a scene, they're just being human beings, and I can sympathize. I read an interesting thing the other day that said: A negative nancy(negative person) is 1,000 times more reluctant to be around a positive person than vice versa. That is because there is so much to learn from negative people's behavior.

Crowe · 03-10-2007, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

How about an overall point? You give us imagery, but no plot or objective. I like your imagery, but c'mon.

LOL WHAT! Read it more closely. Make it simple. The narrator is telling another person his roll as the light surrounded by darkness, why his presence is important, and how he abused that power once.

I can break down the plot for you in a few lines.

I know it may be hard to believe,
But I was once a brilliant light, - Narrator talking about himself being a "messiah"

Now you see me here,...
This is my dim twilight - Now he's the "pariah"

I still
Possess the power of memory.
And the passion it takes,
To pass on - He's passing on, to the reader, how to live with grace.

Then he goes on to describe what the reader can do with life with the hands and mouth etc...

Then he tells him to stay away from the corrupt, don't fall into their world of vices and the sort... they are sinners, and their sins are a disease, he's telling the reader that HE fell to their sins, which is why the disease is in his heart. And he reveals he is about to die...

Soon your post will you take.
Bright in the darkness of the human race. - Narrator tells the reader that they will now be the light in the darkness.

So it's a story, and a guide. Plot? Not in the conventional sense, no. Objective? Absolutely.

Trauma · 03-10-2007, 03:24 PM

It was alright.

Crowe · 03-10-2007, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snickers

It was alright.

lol thx snickers :-p

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 03-10-2007, 10:40 PM

People aren't going to get that, and won't analyze that deep, except in a Lit class, maybe. Making it worthless.

Crowe · 03-10-2007, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

People aren't going to get that, and won't analyze that deep, except in a Lit class, maybe. Making it worthless.

Sorry PHAP, you're wrong here. Crowquill had no problem with it, ToolGuy divined his own meaning from it. My girlfriend loved it, as well as a few of my friends... honestly, I think you're the only one who has expressed confusion over it's meaning. That being said: you can't make the blanket statement of "People aren't going to get that" because you don't get it yourself. I think you scanned over it, without really reading it and made a hasty statement. If you look at it again, it's pretty obvious what the piece is about.

CROWQUILL - I agreed with the heart thing, changed it to life. Thank you for pointing that out.

Trauma · 03-10-2007, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

People aren't going to get that, and won't analyze that deep, except in a Lit class, maybe. Making it worthless.

Just because you're too fucking retarded to use your mind outside of an obligatory governmental juicing process doesn't mean that Crowe's poem is now devoid of all value.

His ability shows much more thought and creativity than your damned inside-the-box mentality has revealed to me since you've joined this forum.

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03-10-2007, 02:57 AM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 681	The Pariah, The Messiah You know, I really like this one but damned if I don't feel like something is MISSSIng.... what do you guys think? The Pariah, The Messiah I know it may be hard to believe, But I was once a brilliant light, In a sea of the unforeseen. I would attract the stares of, A muddled and filthy crowd. Now you see me here, My diluted physical state. My mental faculties aren't Fairing much better. This is my dim twilight. But such as I am I still Possess the power of memory. And the passion it takes, To pass on the secret of, My luminous downfall. Your hands have the power to heal, Use them wisely and fair. Briefly visit the pain of others, Feel their despair. With this gift, be bountiful. Your voice carries in it hope, Be generous with your words. Gaze into the sorrow of others, Search their eyes for light. Teach them of their inner strength. Finally the source of my radiance. It was my manifestation of faith. My very presence among them, Was proof enough that I humbly Gave to them my own life. Be wary of the corrupt. Do not grace them with your radiance, Their sins are a disease. Feeding on the light you bring. You will see this disease in the heart of me. And soon my life will cease to be. Soon your post will you take. Bright in the darkness of the human race. __________________ Hi. I'm Crowe. This is my sig. My love finally resting, A solemn corpse buried in you. My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic Last edited by Crowe : 03-10-2007 at 11:11 PM.

03-10-2007, 03:08 AM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,218	Be wary of the corrupt. Do not grace them with your radiance, Their sins are a disease. I think those three lines could be more impactful I don't know how...but I just think they could. "You will see this disease in the heart of me. And soon my heart will cease to be." I think it takes away from that part having heart used twice maybe place those lines in one part together and do something like. "You will see this disease in me, And soon my heart with cease to be." or "You will see this disease in the heart of me, And soon it will cease to be" i dont know i just don't like using a keyword twice so close together. I really really liked this, my favorite one i've seen from you recently. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

03-10-2007, 09:34 AM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 518	Psh. More like the Pariah, the Messiah and the /\/00b. Lol, jk. How about an overall point? You give us imagery, but no plot or objective. I like your imagery, but c'mon. "You will see this disease in the heart of me, And soon it will cease to be" ^ Ethan's right. /\/008. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

03-10-2007, 09:35 AM
~~TheUsedToolguy~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Joplin, MO Posts: 482	That was really cool. When you are your higher self, you're able to see people for what they are, so if you see an adult who is misbehaving, becoming impatient or acting rudely, you're able to see with less judgment and more compassion, because you're thinking, 'you know, I can see why this person acts this way, because everyone has that potential inside of them,' I've been extremely impatient before, and extremely rude before, so I can sympathize with that behavior. It gives me a lot of clarity to see people as they really are-understand that they're not probably not trying to scare me or just cause a scene, they're just being human beings, and I can sympathize. I read an interesting thing the other day that said: A negative nancy(negative person) is 1,000 times more reluctant to be around a positive person than vice versa. That is because there is so much to learn from negative people's behavior.

03-10-2007, 10:40 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 518	People aren't going to get that, and won't analyze that deep, except in a Lit class, maybe. Making it worthless. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!