What is love?

Stephen · 01-27-2018, 06:14 PM

Expanding on my previous comment on self-deception I feel like relationships are 90% projection, not just in the context of love but relationships in general. As depressing as this thought is the somewhat liberating extension of this philosophy is that if that applies to love then wouldn't it also be true of hate? Can we eliminate hatred by simply adjusting our own paranoid projections?

Chiomara · 01-27-2018, 07:43 PM

^ I partly agree with this-- during the initial intense infatuation phase (this is why I prefer very slow-burning relationships that grow out of friendship over the course of a year+) I think projection plays a huge part. Lots of projection and mirroring and blind hopefulness. (Not that people should not be hopeful; I'm just tired is all) I've also probably damaged some of my past relationships by projecting onto them too much toward the end and becoming stubbornly convinced that they, too were unfulfilled and unhappy with me.

All this is why I'm always immediately wary when someone claims that they're falling in love with me (shortly after having met me) -- because I've tried to give people like that the benefit of the doubt in the past and believe that their emotions were genuine and lasting and they never were-- I was always just a novelty. If not, if they were genuine-- that ultimately fizzles once I've finished serving my purpose as a tool for their self-actualization + personal therapist + "muse" + etc etc etc. It is beyond draining every time. (Not that I've never been selfish in love, because I have of course, but never to that degree.) ...Especially if you've been in back-to-back long-term relationships for over a decade and have watched the same exact thing play out every time with the occasional rare exception (but they, too ultimately did not really have the personality traits and interests they feigned while courting me anyway. They claimed to want to do all these things with me-- hiking--not even difficult hikes, leisurely ones-- cave exploring, thrift store hunting and cooking etc but after a month or two suddenly lose interest and prefer to play video games for 10 hours a day every day instead. I'm so tired. Not that I have strict activity requirements--that would be dumb-- I just want to do something vaguely active together on a somewhat regular basis. And it's the worst when you're dating someone that doesn't have the same sense of humor/sense of fun. If we can't just lounge around together eating dollar store candy while doing nothing in particular for hours without becoming immediately bored/feeling awkward then what's the point?) Sorry, had to be indulgent and complain about that for a moment.

I have the perfect Bell Hooks (or Anais Nin or Susan Sontag, I don't recall) quote about this specific thing but I can't remember it right now.

Neapolitan · 01-27-2018, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plankton

(No more (X 2 Don't hurt me (Baby)))

On a different note, those 'dangling carrot' websites are the scourge of the internet. Can't stand em, and if I see that it's of the sort, I back out right away. Bloated crap.

It takes a little bit of horse sense not to go after those "dangling carrot" websites.

Stephen · 01-27-2018, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chiomara

All this is why I'm always immediately wary when someone claims that they're falling in love with me (shortly after having met me)

Lol yeah I'm always suspicious when someone sees something good in me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chiomara

Sorry, had to be indulgent and complain about that for a moment.

Complain away, I appreciate the thoughtful response.

The Batlord · 01-27-2018, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chiomara

^ I partly agree with this-- during the initial intense infatuation phase (this is why I prefer very slow-burning relationships that grow out of friendship over the course of a year+) I think projection plays a huge part. Lots of projection and mirroring and blind hopefulness. (Not that people should not be hopeful; I'm just tired is all) I've also probably damaged some of my past relationships by projecting onto them too much toward the end and becoming stubbornly convinced that they, too were unfulfilled and unhappy with me.

All this is why I'm always immediately wary when someone claims that they're falling in love with me (shortly after having met me) -- because I've tried to give people like that the benefit of the doubt in the past and believe that their emotions were genuine and lasting and they never were-- I was always just a novelty. If not, if they were genuine-- that ultimately fizzles once I've finished serving my purpose as a tool for their self-actualization + personal therapist + "muse" + etc etc etc. It is beyond draining every time. (Not that I've never been selfish in love, because I have of course, but never to that degree.) ...Especially if you've been in back-to-back long-term relationships for over a decade and have watched the same exact thing play out every time with the occasional rare exception (but they, too ultimately did not really have the personality traits and interests they feigned while courting me anyway. They claimed to want to do all these things with me-- hiking--not even difficult hikes, leisurely ones-- cave exploring, thrift store hunting and cooking etc but after a month or two suddenly lose interest and prefer to play video games for 10 hours a day every day instead. I'm so tired. Not that I have strict activity requirements--that would be dumb-- I just want to do something vaguely active together on a somewhat regular basis. And it's the worst when you're dating someone that doesn't have the same sense of humor/sense of fun. If we can't just lounge around together eating dollar store candy while doing nothing in particular for hours without becoming immediately bored/feeling awkward then what's the point?) Sorry, had to be indulgent and complain about that for a moment.

I have the perfect Bell Hooks (or Anais Nin or Susan Sontag, I don't recall) quote about this specific thing but I can't remember it right now.

Let's compromise and play Wii Golf.

Chiomara · 01-27-2018, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Batlord

Let's compromise and play Wii Golf.

Only if I get to black out on boxed wine first. (It makes you better at sports) I'd totally win all the sports points.

actually I think the last time I played a Wii sports game I injured two people

The Batlord · 01-27-2018, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chiomara

Only if I get to black out on boxed wine first. (It makes you better at sports) I'd totally win all the sports points.

actually I think the last time I played a Wii sports game I injured two people

Playing Wii Sports sober sounds awful.

Chiomara · 01-27-2018, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Batlord

Playing Wii Sports sober sounds awful.

Well what else are they supposed to play in hell? Myst?

(it's dangerous for a flailing muppet like me to be playing those games anyway)

~~MicShazam~~ · 01-28-2018, 05:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chiomara

(but they, too ultimately did not really have the personality traits and interests they feigned while courting me anyway. They claimed to want to do all these things with me-- hiking--not even difficult hikes, leisurely ones-- cave exploring, thrift store hunting and cooking etc but after a month or two suddenly lose interest and prefer to play video games for 10 hours a day every day instead. I'm so tired. Not that I have strict activity requirements--that would be dumb-- I just want to do something vaguely active together on a somewhat regular basis. And it's the worst when you're dating someone that doesn't have the same sense of humor/sense of fun. If we can't just lounge around together eating dollar store candy while doing nothing in particular for hours without becoming immediately bored/feeling awkward then what's the point?)

I think this is why I can't really see myself with any woman I've ever met. I just know we won't really want the same things from life and won't be able to find some kind of daily rhythm that wont make one of us unhappy. I even ended a relationship back in 2011 and no one understood why. If she was so sweet and cheerful and we had fun together, why end it? But I just saw the boredom coming. She was a couch potato, liked watching daytime TV, didn't really have any interests the way I do, so I felt like I had to put a big part of my personality away behind lock and key when we were together. Doomed from the start, even though we never had a bad day together.

Trollheart · 01-28-2018, 09:44 AM

Luckily for me I'm too ugly and boring for any woman to bother with me, but even if they wanted to, I couldn't as you all know. And on that note, at the risk of being even more of a boring, preaching **** than I normally am, I suppose it could be said that love is also giving of yourself to another person without any real regard for yourself. Giving up your job of thirty years to look after someone who needs you desperately to be there for them, forgetting all your friends and contenting yourself with this new existence you have to live.

Putting someone else first - always - and not resenting it. Except sometimes. But not blaming them for it. Putting your life on hold, permanently, for their sake, always being concerned with what's best for them, even if it's not what you consider is best for you, and just being as unselfish as you can be. Maybe.

When Karen's SKY TV was on the blink and she had nothing to watch for three weeks till an engineer could get to us, I unplugged mine and lent it to her, and contented myself with watching Netflix on the Fire HD stick. Now that's love.

01-27-2018, 07:43 PM	#32 (permalink)
Chiomara mayor of spookytown Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 812	^ I partly agree with this-- during the initial intense infatuation phase (this is why I prefer very slow-burning relationships that grow out of friendship over the course of a year+) I think projection plays a huge part. Lots of projection and mirroring and blind hopefulness. (Not that people should not be hopeful; I'm just tired is all) I've also probably damaged some of my past relationships by projecting onto them too much toward the end and becoming stubbornly convinced that they, too were unfulfilled and unhappy with me. All this is why I'm always immediately wary when someone claims that they're falling in love with me (shortly after having met me) -- because I've tried to give people like that the benefit of the doubt in the past and believe that their emotions were genuine and lasting and they never were-- I was always just a novelty. If not, if they were genuine-- that ultimately fizzles once I've finished serving my purpose as a tool for their self-actualization + personal therapist + "muse" + etc etc etc. It is beyond draining every time. (Not that I've never been selfish in love, because I have of course, but never to that degree.) ...Especially if you've been in back-to-back long-term relationships for over a decade and have watched the same exact thing play out every time with the occasional rare exception (but they, too ultimately did not really have the personality traits and interests they feigned while courting me anyway. They claimed to want to do all these things with me-- hiking--not even difficult hikes, leisurely ones-- cave exploring, thrift store hunting and cooking etc but after a month or two suddenly lose interest and prefer to play video games for 10 hours a day every day instead. I'm so tired. Not that I have strict activity requirements--that would be dumb-- I just want to do something vaguely active together on a somewhat regular basis. And it's the worst when you're dating someone that doesn't have the same sense of humor/sense of fun. If we can't just lounge around together eating dollar store candy while doing nothing in particular for hours without becoming immediately bored/feeling awkward then what's the point?) Sorry, had to be indulgent and complain about that for a moment. I have the perfect Bell Hooks (or Anais Nin or Susan Sontag, I don't recall) quote about this specific thing but I can't remember it right now. __________________ Χρυσοσανδαλαιμοποτιχθονία Tumblr - 8tracks - Spotify Last edited by Chiomara; 01-27-2018 at 07:52 PM.

01-28-2018, 09:44 AM	#40 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,970	Luckily for me I'm too ugly and boring for any woman to bother with me, but even if they wanted to, I couldn't as you all know. And on that note, at the risk of being even more of a boring, preaching **** than I normally am, I suppose it could be said that love is also giving of yourself to another person without any real regard for yourself. Giving up your job of thirty years to look after someone who needs you desperately to be there for them, forgetting all your friends and contenting yourself with this new existence you have to live. Putting someone else first - always - and not resenting it. Except sometimes. But not blaming them for it. Putting your life on hold, permanently, for their sake, always being concerned with what's best for them, even if it's not what you consider is best for you, and just being as unselfish as you can be. Maybe. When Karen's SKY TV was on the blink and she had nothing to watch for three weeks till an engineer could get to us, I unplugged mine and lent it to her, and contented myself with watching Netflix on the Fire HD stick. Now that's love. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

01-27-2018, 06:14 PM	#31 (permalink)
Stephen I sleep in your hat Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Melbourne, Vic. Aus. Posts: 1,846	Expanding on my previous comment on self-deception I feel like relationships are 90% projection, not just in the context of love but relationships in general. As depressing as this thought is the somewhat liberating extension of this philosophy is that if that applies to love then wouldn't it also be true of hate? Can we eliminate hatred by simply adjusting our own paranoid projections?