I am also thinking of Raime and hoping that with the support of his family and therapist, life has gotten a bit easier for him, although life is never, ever easy, especially for people of great sensitivity. The suicidal impulses, panic/anxiety attacks and resultant feelings of shame that Raime described are horrible for anyone to experience.

Tore, I am very sorry that you are feeling this way – and it’s no surprise that these disturbing thoughts have become more prevalent for you lately due to work and personal stress. I am by no means qualified to advise you – but I have struggled with passive suicidal ideations throughout my entire life (since childhood, actually). Don't want to belabor my own situation here, but in my case I think it’s partially a genetically inherited disposition and partially due to childhood trauma. It is something I have had to learn to manage, with the help of a therapist. I would urge you to please seek help from a therapist as well, Tore - because the danger of passive ideations is that they are often not taken seriously until things get much worse. When I am under increased stress the ideations become much more prevalent, as in your current situation. I realize that you are creatively channeling your stress into your music, and while that is beneficial and important, you are also running the risk of submerging some serious negative impulses and thoughts and making light of them (i.e., making them “fun” as you mentioned). Take it from someone who knows and who often “jokes” about her own condition. I know we often say that we would never “off” ourselves because we have children – and while that may be true, your mental health is important and needs to be a top priority for your own sake and for your family’s sake.

I absolutely concur with Ribbons (what a sweetheart she is). There's always a place in music for darker idealisations but if you still feel suffocated by your feelings, it might be time to get support from those around you or a therapist. It may take time to find the right one. I have had really dark times in my life (when I had to leave MB because of my abusive ex), I was in a sunken hole of despair but I had visit from my granddad in a dream and he told me he loves me and it will get better. It didn't happen overnight but now I am in my own place, have two beautiful furbabies and a stable job as a Librarian. Although my health has been difficult and affected my ability to go to work so am waiting to find out what a specialist thinks. I also am in the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis. Enough about me for now, but Ribbons mentions trauma and that is something that could be processed to ease the weight on your shoulders. I want you to know I am always here for you, don't hesitate to pm me or not. I can't talk away how you're feeling right now, but I can offer you hope. :wavey:

Ribbons, Jess, you're too sweet :love: I feel like I've made you worry on my behalf and it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry for that.

I'm not familiar with the term ideations (?), but the first time I remember thinking about it was when I was maybe 12-13 years old or so? I was feeling lonely at the time and when I was up on this mountain ledge, I had this thought I could end it and it was strangely comforting. In my late teens, I secretly struggled a lot with anxiety and panic attacks and I was really scared I was going insane. That also made me scared of suicidal thoughts and I just flat out denied my brain from entertaining any such idea. I didn't feel much of it in my 20s, but these thoughts appeared or reappeared when I came into my 30s.

I started to write a bit about what these thoughts mean to me, but reading it back in my mind, it sounded like it could be triggering - which is not what I want AT ALL! So I deleted it. Suffice to say I'm not bothered by my thoughts, only the other stresses in my life. I think I've had a near brush with burnout from work which has been kinda bad for a few years now and it didn't help when our son got blinded on one eye after an accident last Christmas when we all had covid, etc. There's been a couple other things as well, but it's a little more personal than I'd like to share in writing here.

I deeply appreciate your concern, but will be frank and say I don't wanna see a therapist at the moment and I don't wanna worry my wife or friends about it (including you guys). I'm used to thinking critically about my own thoughts and whipping them into shape when needed so feel like I got a decent handle on it and should be able to recognize it if I need outside help.

Jess, it saddens me to read about your experiences. I hope you are doing well. I also really appreciated your offer, like really really. I don't wanna be a burden to you, but having a friend to talk / message with about some of this junk would be nice. I might pick you up on it :)

They a similar to the concept of intrusive thoughts. We are not our thoughts and shouldn't punish ourselves for feeling a certain way. The problem in our western society is that emotions like anger, sadness or despair are to be avoided or resisted. I got to my thirty's, finally rejected any indoctrination from growing up around Catholicism and Christianity and got in touch with my spiritual side. There I learned together with my mom that we are to just sit with those thoughts, let them pass on their own. In terms of worrying about being insane, most of us have a variety of ways to cope or think. For me personally it was learning I was not hetero-normative due to having ADD and it's helped me accept myself as myself.

I'm really sorry to hear about your son and all getting covid, what a rough time! No one could go through all that without being affected in some way. I know what you mean about burnout. I think so many people are burnt out but we are forced to work to support ourselves and our family in order to survive. We resist it because it's not healthy for our well being and we miss out on doing what we love or accessing our creative side and learning about unrealised talents. It really is a rat race. Not to be a Debbie downer, however.

That's absolutely fine, it's your decision and I hope we can chat through things together and you will have me as an impartial friend :) My zodiac is Cancer which makes us good listeners and caring of others. It's my upmost pleasure to be able to chat with an intelligent being such as yourself. :bowdown:

edit.

I am officially miserable.

Disclosure - Nothing to do with my marriage. In fact, me not being able to spend time with Dana has been significantly affecting my mental health.

I am busy as f*ck. I have to be. I need to buy a house and get out of my sh*tty apartment. This means six work days a week. This means not being able to take off work without feeling like I'm making the wrong decision. I'm miserable at work. Total crank. I don't want people asking me how my day is going, or how my marriage is going, or what new record I like most. I want people to shut up, leave me alone, buy things or get out. I don't like it but it's automatic at this point. I have been trying to fight it and be personable but it's been hard.

My free time is either me wanting to completely shut the world off and having no energy to do anything, or forcing myself to be social and participate in friends and families lives.

Dana is in the same boat. Busy as f*ck. Stressed as f*ck. She has had it worse with the car accident and everything that goes along with that.

We have had sex three times in the last month.

Luckily we are super communicative and talk about it and we both know what each other is going through. We're just struggling.

I missed therapy last week. I won't be missing it this week. I'm not going back to anti-depressants but I need something to change in my to kick my ass into gear.

I'm eating too much pizza.

F*ck.

Anyway, this is why I've been pretty absent around here for a bit.

I'm sorry man :( I relate to not wanting to talk to people when feeling miserable or depressed. I reqally hope things get better soon for you both, you've had such a hard time

Thanks.

This will pass. I actually had a funeral this morning for my friends grandma. Just seems like life is playing games with me lately. Getting tired of it. Winded. Deflated.

I took tomorrow off. I'm going for a hike with Dana. That should help. Thanks Marie. =)

Have you thought about taking up day drinking?

It'd make working at the shop more fun I guess.