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ICKY! That's just.. eww!
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:shycouch:
I didn't do it:D |
how bout this:
why do all black people have nightmares? cuz we shot the only one that ever had a dream. |
what was the only thing missing from the million man march?
an auctioneer Why don't women need watches? there is a clock right on top of the stove What do you call the Equal Rights Movement? pointless |
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." |
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what do you do if your dishwasher stops working? slap her |
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.
"You son of a bitch" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor. "Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead." (= Oh no. Someone already posted it. )= |
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why did so many black people die in vietnam?
because when people said get down they all started dancing |
Two *** men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the ***s' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one dad says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass." |
Oh maaaaan, and I thought my Elton John joke owned the homosexual section.
Balls. |
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori? Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.” An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed." A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again." Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.............. I have more but I dont want to use up any more space. |
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whats 18 inches long and makes women cry all night
crib death what do you call a baby, 6 rats,and a bun a bigmac how many babys does it take to paint a house depends how hard you threw them whats blue and thrashing in corner baby playing with a plastic bag whats crying and tapping on glass every 5 seconds baby in a microwave |
Whens it time to do the dishes, cook dinner and wash the laundry?
Look down your pants, if you have a penis, it's not time. |
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absoluty terrible.:( |
What's silver and red and runs into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes Whats worse than a live baby burried under a pile of dead babies? The live one eating its way out. What's worse than that? Going back for the teddy. (I mean this one in no offence to anyone) What is the worse thing about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven. That's all I have...for now. |
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?" Q: Why isn't Cuba entered in any of the Olympic rowing events? A: Because any Cuban who can row already lives in Florida. John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." That last is horrible.. |
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He is comparing her to a machine that he only wanted to get children out of. Without his sperm/dollar, no candy/children will come and such..
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BRILLIANT:rofl: |
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A black man and an asian man are sitting in a car. Who's driving? The cops.
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Heres one.
For their wedding anniversary, BB Kings wife decided to give him a special anniversary present, so she went down to a tattoo parlor, she asked the tattoo artist to put the letter B on both of her buttcheeks. Anyway, latter that day, she shows BB her present, and he says.... Who's Bob? |
^rofl that was good, that was good.
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sorry but i gotta do another jacko one.
what do micheal jackson and caviar have in common? they both come on little crackers. what do you call a school bus full of black people going over a cliff? new parking lot. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp What's the difference between a black guy and a snow tire? A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it. all in good fun of course :) |
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?" |
^nice. i like that one a lot.
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That's a link to "Things I learned from the movies..It's funny.
www.emerald-sky.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=24 |
:pimp: An older woman walks into a tattoo shop and wants a tattoo. The artist asks her what she wants and she pauses a moment and then replies " I would like Paul McCartney on my right thigh and John Lennon on my left thigh ". The tattoo artist complies and after some time reveals his work to the woman.
The woman is horrified and exclaims " Neither of these tattoo's looks close to Lennon or McCartney " The tattooist says "Bullsh1t, it is a perfect likeness and to prove it I will get someone off the street to tell me who the tattoo's depict" The tattooist reaches outside his store and grabs a wino stumbling by and says to him " Who are the people in these tattoo's? " The wino studies them for a moment then replies " I'm not sure about the fellers on the right or left, but that one in the middle with the beard and the bad breath has got to be Willie Nelson ":beer: |
How offencive to women....How brilliant!...Nice one;)
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Be sure to tip your waitress
I'll be here all week |
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Whats the difference between a chavette and a kit kat?
You can only get four fingers in a kit kat Why dont black people like country music? When someone says howdown they think their sisters been shot Why wernt adam and eve black? Ever tried to take a rib of a black man? The chinese ****lepicker distater. Apparantly the ****lepicker were only ment to stay in the water till the water go up to knee-high. But unfortunutly knee high was in the van |
whats blue and doesn't fit?
a dead epileptic. |
YOUR BACK!!!
ohemmgee. Um..hi *waves* |
well, just wondered if stu was still on here, seein as he is ill prob stay a while, i need to find out bout more music so yea, why not. Urban, Fenix, Snickers, adidasss etc still all round?
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Snickers Never posts Fenix is mod so is AITA,Hookers and RiseAgainstRocks. adidasss is a moron. and LedZepStu still posts. |
Where is Hookers?
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