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:eek: NO WAY!
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A man and a woman are sitting at a bar having a drink and strike up a conversation with each other. The woman says to the man " my husband just left me because I am too kinky for him ", and the man replies " that is a coincidence because my wife just left me because I am too kinky ". They talk a little bit more and have a couple more drinks and the woman invites the man back to her apartment.
Upon arrival at the apartment, the woman excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She is in her bedroom for about 10 minutes and she re-enters the living room dressed in a leather dominatrix outfit, just in time to see the man getting his shoes on ready to leave. She says " where are you going I thought we were going to get kinky together? " The man replies " I already screwed your dog and crapped in your purse, I'm done " |
I wish my grass was emo cause then it could cut itself
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nice
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!" Two ***s are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one ***. To which the other replied, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first??" |
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A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "Had him circumcised". |
nice. very nice.
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I need more jokes. POST ONE NOW!!!!
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this in no way expresses my views but...
Q: Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is? A: Free ham. Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says. The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?" "Me? I perfer to see the top of her head." Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you. Q: What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common? A: You can't get either of them at home. |
Do you know how the Limbo was invented??
A Jew trying to get into a pay toilet |
Ten Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman:
10: A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 9: Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 8: A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 7: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 6: You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 5: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. 4: When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 3: A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 2: A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. 1: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck. |
How many women does it take to change a kitchen lightbulb
None , let the bitch cook in the dark |
Why does a bride wear white???
To match the appliances |
tommy, and sara are walking down the street talking about random things that jr.high kids talk about. when tommy get a intresting idea.
tommy: sara want to go to your house? sara: no tommy you know i can't have boys over tommy: please sara please? sara: alright but only in the porch then in the house just standing there.. tommy: sara we should go up stairs sara: i can't have boy's up stairs tommy: please! sara please? sara: fine but only in the hall way now in the hall way while tommy looks around tommy: we should go in your room sara: no, my God! i can't have boy's in my room tommy: please! sarah please! sara: fine now in sara's room sitting there... tommy jumps up fast with a idea! tommy: sara we should take off our clothes sara: NO! tommy are you crazy i can't see a boy naked, its wrong tommy: please sara please sara: fine tommy! but nothings going to happen tommy: sara we should get under the covers in your bed sara: no tommy i can't be in the bed with a boy, i'll get in trouble tommy: please sara please sara: fine tommy! tommy: sara can i poke my finger in your belly button? sara: no tommy, no tommy: pleaes sara please sara: fine! sara: ah tommy thats not my belly button tommy: surprise surprise thats not my finger ;) |
that one was pretty predictable.
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A Jewish man, a Roman Catholic man, and a Mormon man were chatting one day and the subject of family size came up. The Jewish man said, "My wife just gave birth, now I have enough for a basketball team."
The Roman Catholic responded, "With the recent addition to our family I now have enough for a baseball team!" To which the Mormon man retorted, "When I marry my next wife I'll have enough for a golf course." |
How many men does it take to open a beer can?
None, it should be open when your bitch gives it to you! how do you stop a black man from drowning? Take your foot of his head! how do stop a black man from drowning? shoot him before he hits the water! a plane is flying along normally until one of the engines blows out and its sent plunging towards the ground. A woman realising that this is her last chance to have sex before she dies, gets up and asks"who here can make me feel like a real woman one last time?" at this point everyone just stares at her in silence. The woman begins to scream and yell" WHO HERE WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN ONE LAST TIME!!!!" At this point a man jumps out of his seat, tears off his shirt and says" HERE IRON THIS!!!!" |
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss here. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life." |
What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds?
there is twenty of them |
A Catholic priest is walking through a dark forest with a little boy. The little boy becomes frightened, and tells the priest, "Sir, I'm scared of this place". The priest then replies, "How do you think I feel, kid - I gotta walk back outta here alone."
What's the worst part about having sex with a 10-year old?… Washing the stains out of your clown suit. A woman named Betty wants to show her devotion and love to her new boyfriend Billy. She decides to get the first letter of each of their names tatooed on her ass - One letter on one cheek, and one letter on the other cheek. That night, she tells her husband what she did - He asks to see it, so she pulls down her panties, and bends over to show him the results. After a long pause, she asks, "What do you think?" The man replies, "Who the f*ck is BoB?" |
ive heard that last one. funny stuff.
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Hahaha
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law." |
Lol- that's sick
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roflshtiadfloa!
"rolling on floor laughing so hard that i am dying from lack of air" |
Lmaonade!
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A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just the first guy.
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^haha
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WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." |
^ Haha :rofl:
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Lmaoooooooooooooo
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A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?" "Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead." "Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?" "Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead." The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!" "Be quiet, Fridge," said the mother. |
^:rofl: Haha such a simple joke but it owns soo much
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Ha yeah that was pretty good. This one is completely crude and you didn't hear it from me.
85% of Negro's have had sex standing up in the shower... The other 15% haven't been to jail yet. |
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^HAHA...
thats great. ive got a friend with tourettes. he doesnt do stuff like that though.. Quote:
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your mom's in wham!.
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