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So why did the bitch stay with him in the first place...?
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What's the difference between a straight man and a vibrator?
A vibrator lasts for more than five minutes. How does a straight woman know she's dreaming? She orgasms in the dream. What's the difference between a straight man and a piece of ****? A piece of **** doesn't beat his wife. |
A joke that works well regionally
Q: "What's the difference between (insert wealthiest suburban city, in Seattle it would be Bellevue) women and (insert working class blue collar neighborhood, in Seattle the example would be Ballard) women" A: "(Ballard) women have *fake* jewelry and *real* orgasms" |
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Guys we gon have to up the ante on the offensive jokes. |
Regarding drink driving. I've done it once and I'm really ashamed of it. It was Christmas - I'd had a couple of drinks and I took the car out. But I learned my lesson. I nearly killed an old lady. In the end I didn't kill her. In the end, I just raped her.
Offensive enough? |
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speakin of rape, i actually stopped a potential rape the other nite. she didnt thank me or anythin, just ran away screamin. all i had to do was stop chasin her. |
Haha. Excellent.
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Pizzas don't scream when you put 'em in the oven. |
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a cheeseburger?
I dont fuck my cheeseburger before I eat. |
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So I was banging this fine babe in the tub last week. At one point we got to going at it doggy style. I went a little rough at one point and she slipped forward, breaking her four front teeth! Don't worry, though, they were baby teeth.
-Directly stolen from "Pusher II: With Blood on My Hands" |
What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair?
Rolaids. |
^oh **** :laughing: hahahah.
What's the difference between madeline McCann and my bike? My bike doesn't cry when I ride it. |
What's the best part of sex with a transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. |
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I love it! |
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Obviously she was ****ed when she Tweeted that, but it was still brilliant.
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge." How does Hitler tie his shoes? with little Nazis! A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAAAAARR! What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A PRIVATE TUTOR! How does a lion like his meat? ROAR! What is a shark's favorite illegal substance? Reefer! What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipes his butt. What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BANANANAAAAAA! What do sharks say when something radical happens? JAWESOME! What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids What do you call a pig that does karate? PORK CHOP What do you call a nosy pepper? JALAPENO BUSINESS! Why did the police officer smell? Because he was on duty. What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office? I can clearly see you're nuts! How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents! Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean? He wanted some arr and arr. What type of music do mummies listen to? WRAP MUSIC! Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed! Why did the rapper carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool? THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS! What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? HIP-POP! What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks? DINO-MITE! What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney? You're too young to smoke! |
I quit.
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dulce the fact you posted that garbage in this thread is easily the most offensive thing in this entire thread. please wander into a woodchipper plz thanks.
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Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken. The Reason There Are Ten Commandments First god approached the blacks and said, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life." "Yeah?" said the blacks, "and what's that? "Honor thy father and mother." The blacks laugh and say, "Motherf-ucker, we're black! We don't know who our fathers are, man! Get the f-uck outta here!" So God goes to the Arabs and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life." "Yeah?" said the Arabs, "What's that?" "Thou shalt not kill." The Arabs say, "You want us to stop doing the only thing we better than everyone else? Get the f-uck outta here!" So God goes to the Japanese and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life." "Yeah?" said the Japanese, "What's that?" "Thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbor's." "What??" say the Japanese. "You don't want us to steal other countries' inventions and then swear up and down that we came up with it first? Get the f-uck outta here!" So God goes to the French and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life." "Yeah?" said the French, "What's that?" "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "What??" say the French. "Are you trying to destroy the French way of life?? Get the f-uck outta here!" So God goes to the Mexicans and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life." "What's that?" ask the Mexicans. "Thou shalt not steal." The Mexicans look at each other and burst out laughing. "Gringo," they say, "get the f-uck outta here!" Finally, in exasperation, God does to the Jews and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life. "Yeah?" say the Jews, "and what's it gonna cost us?" "Nothing," said God, "it's free." "Oh!" say the Jews, "then we'll take ten!" |
Two banker jokes:
Joke 1 A masked man is robbing a bank. He grabs the money and turns to leave and his mask falls off. His face is totally exposed. He hurriedly slips the mask back on, turns to the teller and says, "Did you see my face?" The teller puts her hands on her hips and yells, "YES I DID!" The robber shoots her in the head and kills her. He turns to the next teller and says, "Did you see my face?" The teller puts her hands on her hips and yells, "YES I DID!" The robber shoots her in the heads kills her. He turns to leave and there's a couple standing there totally mortified having witnessed the whole thing "The robber walks up to the husband and says, "Did you see my face?" "No," said the husband, then points at his wife and yells, "BUT SHE DID!" Joke 2 A man walks into a bank and goes up to the teller who is a prim little white-haired old lady. She looks up, smiles and says, "May I help you, young man?" "Yeah," he says, "I want to open a f-uckin' bank account." The woman's mouth drops open. "Excuse me??" she says. "I said I want to open a f-uckin' bank account." "Young man," says the lady, "I don't appreciate that kind of language and if you want something from me you'd better ask politely! Now, for the last time, what is it you want?" "I said I want to open a f-uckin' bank account!" "That's it!" snaps the old lady, "I'm getting the manager!" and she leaves. She returns a moment later with the manager who looks peeved. The manager says to the man, "Sir! My teller here has informed me that you are being abusive and using foul language and I'll have you know, sir, that this is a respectable place of business and we will not tolerate such rude, infantile behavior in this establishment! Now before you leave, SIR, is there something I can do for you?" "Yeah," says the man, "I want to open a f-uckin' bank account!" The manager folds his arms and says, "Oh, really, SIR, and in what amount, may I ask?" The man pulls check from his pocket and holds it up in front of the manager's face and says, "For $750,000!" The manager points at the teller and says, "And was this f-uckin' old c-unt giving you a hard time??" |
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@ Lord Larehip: The Reason There Are Ten Commandments ?
How about the seven deadly sins ? :D |
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews found the same penny. |
This isn't so much a joke as an anecdote. And yes I am a callous douche.
So one night I was staying over at my grandparent's house when my grandmother walks into the room and tells me that my aunt's husband has put a shotgun in his mouth and blown his brains out. So the next day or the day after, I was driving with a friend and the conversation went something like... Me: Dude, my aunt's husband killed himself with a shotgun. Friend: Oh, man, that sucks. Me: But there's good news. Friend: What? Me: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. In my defense I had never actually met the guy. It had been over a decade since I'd seen my aunt and back then she was a twenty something who couldn't hold down a job. We'd never really been close anyway. So this woman who was a lawyer who was married to some guy who I'd never even seen a picture of were for all intents and purposes to me strangers. When my grandmother told me that "Michael killed himself", I remember thinking "Who's Michael?" and not knowing for most of the night. And again, I am a callous douche. But it was still funny. |
Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman??
Iron man is a superhero, iron woman is a command |
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Whew. Tears of laughter. |
Alright.
What did the 'Mexican gangster' say when a house fell down on him? "Get off me Homes!" |
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