Here's a couple I got as phone text that made me laugh out loud;

With recent divorce proceedings and the increased negative media attention, Heather Mills was described by analysts as being unstable.
Paul McCartney said, "a couple of beer mats usually does the trick!".

An elderly couple are attending Sunday church, when half way through the sermon the old lady whispers to her husband, "I think I've just done a silent but deadly fart...what should I do?"
The old man replies, "Buy some new batteries for that fuckin' hearing aid!"

How do you punish Helen Keller for bad behavior?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
Let the women cook in the dark.

ok, this one was on a laffy taffy i ate the other day...
What do a racoon and a tv have in common?

A lot.


-that was the answer, really. kudos to whoever wrote that in and actually got it on the wrapper. can anyone come up with an explaination?

is this supposed to be me?


okay so,
a couple goes in to see a priest about getting married
and the groom asks the priest
"is it okay to have sex before marriage?"
and the priest responds
"as long as it doesn't delay the ceremony".

How do you fix a woman's watch?









You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Why cant Helen Keller drive?

Cause she's a woman.


What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing because you already told her twice.


Wanna hear a good joke?

Women's Rights.

Why did God create woman?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

A breakcore guitarist and a fan after a concert;

Fan- Wow, you are so amazing, man!
Guitarist- Yeah, I'm so brootal. I love playing and all that good stuff. Man, feel this (holds out his index finger)
Fan- Wow, man. It's all blistered and calloused and stuff.
Guitarist- yea, all from my extreme playing.
Fan- Wait why aren't your other fingers just as rough?
Guitarist- Why would they be?

My wife asked me if we could go somwhere she's never been before for our anniversary. I replied, "why dont you try the kitchen".