The Official Joke Thread

[LoathsomePete]

Originally Posted by Plankton

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

that's bloody hilarious. Honestly I don't think anybody should expect someone to be able to differentiate between regional accents, especially a Welsh accent which sounds pretty similar to an average English accent.

[stanley lambchop]

i apologise in advance but,

'i went into the butchers the other day, i said 'have you got a sheeps head?' he said 'yes' i said 'put it in a bag for for me'

I said 'i want some bacon' he said 'lean back?' i said 'no, smoked middle'

So, outside the butchers there was this lovely little dog tied to a lamp post, i said to the fella 'does your dog bite?' he said 'no' so i stroked it and 'gnarr!' it bit me, i said 'i thought he didn't bite?!! He said 'i'm terribly sorry he must have distemper'

[Frownland]

A woman is trying to smoke a cigarette in front of a crowded bus stop and it's raining. A woman beside her begins smoking a cigarette as well, but first, she takes a condom, snips off the end of it, and covers her cigarette from the rain with it.

The woman having difficulty with her cigarette in the rain thought that this was a good idea and walks to the nearest drug store and asks the clerk for a condom.

The clerk then asked: "what size would you like? We have small, medium, large, and extra large."

The woman thought for a moment, then she responded "Well, I guess that it would have to be big enough to fit a camel..."

Beastiality jokes

[Stephen]

What the hell makes Hugo so important that everyone has to stop what they're doing whenever he's around?

[Saurus]

I'm going to go with short, cheesy ones:

How did the broom get a girlfriend? He swept her off his feet.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom? Because the p is silent.

[Freebase Dali]

Originally Posted by stephen

what the hell makes hugo so important that everyone has to stop what they're doing whenever he's around?

Hugo?!?!?

[Neapolitan]

Originally Posted by Saurus

I'm going to go with short, cheesy ones:

How did the broom get a girlfriend? He swept her off his feet.

Why can't you bear a pterodactyl using the restroom? Because the p is silent.

Is it why "can't you bear" or "why can't you hear?"

[ThePhanastasio]

Some corny nonsense.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- Because it was dead.

A man is sitting at a bus stop, looking upset. Another man sits next to him, and after a minute, he says, "Hey friend. You look upset. What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," says the man, "I went into the bus stop to get my ticket. The woman at the desk had the most gorgeous breasts you've ever seen, and it was everything I could do not to stare at them. When she asked how she could help me, I meant to ask if I could have one ticket to Pittsburgh, and asked if I could have one picket to Tittsburgh, and she looked at me like I was the scum of the Earth."

"Oh, I understand completely," the other man said, "That's called a Freudian slip. I've done that before"

"Yeah?" asked the other man, feeling that he could have another person to commiserate with, "What did you say?"

"Well, I meant to ask my wife to pass the potatoes, but what came out was, 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life.' "

[Janszoon]

Originally Posted by Stephen

What the hell makes Hugo so important that everyone has to stop what they're doing whenever he's around?

[Stephen]

Halt! Hugo's there.