You don't know much about Morrissey do you? It's pretty easy to see why someone would call him a twat. Though compared to fellow Manchester fellow Mark E. Smith he really isn't that bad. Nicky Wire is a bigger tool though, after Michael Stipe came out Wire said he should get AIDS and stop making music or something along those lines.

Bands I bolded do not sound anything like Joy Division especially the Unicorns. I can see the Rakes and Exploding Hearts and Pretty Girls Make Graves having some influence. Death From Above I've only heard one song and the other bands I haven't heard at all.

I repeat: What Joy Division have you even heard?

Devo did a cover of Satisfaction. Does that mean they sound like the Stones. Really...c'mon.

srsly listen to Unknown Pleasures or Closer even Still will help you understand

Why else would they waste their time? they even cited them as a key influence

Unknown Pleasures and Closer.

Influence and sounds likes are two different things, while usually they go hand in hand sometimes they don't. The Killers are pretty obviously influenced by a lot of post-punk and while they're more showy and poppy it's really not much of a stretch for them to be influenced by Joy Division since they seem to be big into 80s music and Joy Division are not only arguably the most popular post-punk band but one of the best groups of the 80s.

give em another listen

Really? Then how come you're relying on your friends description of them and not able to come up with your own for their sound? And how can you not hear the similarities between them and Interpol? Please explain the differences in their sound.