The Torture Chamber

Trollheart · 10-16-2015, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frownland

Wolves In Sheepskin - Haus

I'll bring it back up once he completes my first demand.

As I'm sure will he...

Seriously though, your next rec to me has me worried. I think this is where I may pussy out...

Trollheart · 10-17-2015, 05:42 AM

Title:The Topography of the Lungs
Artiste: Evan Parker
Genre: Free Jazz (oh no!)
Evil Bastard: Who else but Frownland?

Well boys, I guess this is the drink I'm gonna die in. Yep, I'm off to get fitted for a dress because I assume this is gonna kill me if I try to make it all the way through. Free jazz, and soprano sax equals pain for Trollheart. I tell you, I may not always agree with or like Frownland but I have to admit, the guy knows what destroys your resolve. A master torturer indeed. I hope you enjoy New Jersey, you bastard!

So let's see how far I can get, though I am not anticipating much. When you have an album that has four tracks total you might think you're getting away easily, but when you then find out that one track takes up a full side of that album, well, you do the math. Who had me lasting for ten seconds? Ok, not starting off well. Sounds like he's trying to move his furniture all on his own, and treading on the kid's squeaky toys in the process. Hmm. Perhaps, once again, humour will be my salvation? Well he;s definitely falling down the stairs now with a horn stuck in his mouth (ooer!) and it's a long way to the bottom. Just like it will be a long way to the end of this album. How long left? Fifty minutes? Yowsa! Well, he's still a-tumblin'! Think someone would be trying to help him at this point but I guess nobody else is at home in his tower block. Down he goes, rollin' rollin' rollin'...

Oh I think he reached the end. Sounds like he might be trying to pick up all the stuff that fell with him. Guess he's lucky he didn't break his neck. Right, for every five minutes I last through this I'm gonna yell Vote Goatfish! I don't expect to be shouting it very often. Okay, that's one. VOTE GOATFISH! Now it looks like he may be pushing a piano back up the stairs, surely not a clever thing to do and how can he have the energy after taking such a fall? Broke a window there. Now he's stopping to play the piano. This dude rocks. In a bad way. Silence. If only the next forty-odd minutes remained like that, but no, he's, um, I don't know, what's he doing? Sounds like he's outside now, opening and closing his garage door. Spooky, eerie sounds. Is something horrible hiding in his garage? Sounds like he's advancing carefully in, watching for any sudden attacks. Something giggled there in the dark. Think it came from that corner mate! Neighbour's cat? Drunk who somehow stumbled in here during the night? The Lord Cthulu, taking a breather from plotting his dark triumphant return and the destruction of the Earth?

Sounds like he's running away now squealing, there's breaking glass: is he being chased? Sounds like whatever it was caught him. Or he it. Whichever. It's quiet now. Oh, another five minutes gone. VOTE GOATFISH! The one good thing about this album (the only good thing) is the longish silences between either tracks or sections or whatever the **** this guy is at. Sounds like he fell down the stairs again. Clumsy ****er, innee? Watching cartoons too. Or maybe he just stood on the cat's tail. Screechy anyway. Sounds like an electric piano there, or a harmonium. Or a ****ing dustbin with an elastic band stretched across it, for all I know. Man this is ****e. I think I'd rather listen to Naked City. Yeah, let's not go there. Hey! Another five minutes survived! VOTE GOATFISH! And the madness continues. How in the name of the lord holy **** I'm going to know when it goes into a new track is beyond me, unless it sounds totally different to this. But who cares? I'm not here to review this garbage, just make it through in one piece and with what's left of my sanity relatively intact.

And I now have thirty-five minutes and forty-four seconds to go. Sounds like a Native American is sitting crying in the corner. I know how he feels.

They should have used this in Guantanamo! Nobody would have given a **** about protecting Osama or KSM once they'd be subjected to this. Gate hinges sound a little rusty there me old pal. Better get the three-in-one out! No, not helping, I can still hear them squeaking. And now here come some birds. No, they've ****ed off again. Damn birds. Maybe you should get that repaired professionally, pal: you seem to be just making it worse. VOTE GOATFISH! Man, that's twenty whole ****ing minutes I've lasted through this thing. Never in my wildest dreams expected to get this far. I thought this was going to be the one that did me in, but I guess I'm made of sterner stuff, or just not prepared to be the first to pussy out. He's getting really agitated now, swinging that gate back and forth, to and fro, and really it just is not helping. Oh, he's given up. Good.

Gone to the office; I can hear typewriters and bells, might be phones ringing. The boss is angry, hear him giving out like one of the adults in the “Peanuts” cartoons. Hey! I think he hit him! Or maybe our man hit his boss. If so, he's out of a job. Maybe he can make it as a musician. Oh dear lord did I say that?

Yeah, sounds like a knockdown fight now and it's spilling out into the corridor. What a way for executives to behave, eh? Nearly halfway through this barf-fest now. Yay me! Are those crackerjacks? Things are getting serious. Where did that bus come from? Think our man is winning now. With a few last punches he lays his boss out and tells him to go stuff his job and out he goes. VOTE GOATFISH! And we've reached the halfway point.

Is that the cops banging on his door? Surely the bossman wasn't hurt that badly? Nah, they've gone away now, and he's back to moving furniture with the same spectacular lack of success he had before. Why doesn't he just hire a removals firm? He's obviously not up to this. Woops! An actual snatch of melody wandered in there. Kick it the **** out! Right, back to the pointless noise. That's better. Not really. God, he's really straining to push that wardrobe across the floor. Wow! Think he may have slipped a disc there! Certainly screaming in pain. VOTE GOATFISH! Oh no! I think he's fallen down the stairs again. OW! I felt that! Silence again. Not surprised. Must be unconscious by now. Sadly for me, no, he isn't. He just does not know when to give up. He must be covered in bruises by now, but he keeps at it. Talk about stubborn! And that's another five minutes done. VOTE GOATFISH! Only seventeen to go!

Sounds like he was trying to open his car door, it got stuck and again he went wild. Not a man given to a sunny or patient temperament, this guy! Now he's trying to lever it open with a hanger, but it keeps bending and snapping back at him. Sitting down now to catch his breath, calm down and think things through. VOTE GOATFISH! Twelve minutes to go. I think he's gone to drown his sorrows and has returned to his car, staggering around drunk, falling over things. Again. Now it sounds like he's going back into his house (there's that rusty gate opening again) and, um,falling over things. Here comes his cat. VOTE GOATFISH! Nearing the finish line now, a mere seven minutes to go. I could do that standing on my head. Well, not at my age, obviously. Sitting in a rocking chair now, opening a beer, relaxing. He's had a tough day. Sounds like someone is banging on the door. He's losing it again. Why can't people leave him alone? Sounds like he's ignoring the unwanted caller and struggling up the stairs. Probably heading to bed. As will I after this.

Think he left the telly on downstairs, it's whining in that way it used to when the programme schedule ran out late at night, leaving only static. Oh, one more VOTE GOATFISH! Two minutes and change left to go, and I don't know what he's doing now. Thought he was going to bed but it sounds like he's chasing something around the room. Maybe he found a mouse. Or a melody that he has to chase and catch and kill. And we are out.

Alternative review: Screech! Splat! Bang! Moan! Crash! Squeak! Rumble! Rinse and repeat for 52:45.

Man that was awful but humour as usual got me through. I had no idea I could survive that. My personal finest hour since Gnaw Their Tongues last year. I think I deserve some sort of medal --- thanks. Hey! This medal is made of chocolate! What kind of ---- mmmmm! Choco-late!

**Frownland** · 10-17-2015, 08:26 AM

I say that we include a torture rating because I think pretty much everyone here will be able to stomach what's thrown at them, even if it's the worst music experience of their life. I've edited my ICP review to add it and will be including it the rest of mine because I'll be finishing these flops because I'm a stubborn mother****er.

If no, then I guess I'll be the one to throw Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music at you. The album so deplored that some are personally offended at the thought of people like myself enjoying it.

The Batlord · 10-17-2015, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frownland

I say that we include a torture rating because I think pretty much everyone here will be able to stomach what's thrown at them, even if it's the worst music experience of their life. I've edited my ICP review to add it and will be including it the rest of mine because I'll be finishing these flops because I'm a stubborn mother****er.

If no, then I guess I'll be the one to throw Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music at you. The album so deplored that some are personally offended at the thought of people like myself enjoying it.

Please do. I was gonna do it next, but then TH went and forced my hand with Ke$ha.

Oriphiel · 10-17-2015, 11:16 AM

Oddly enough, I'm listening to Metal Machine Music right now. I kinda like it so far.

Trollheart · 10-17-2015, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frownland

I say that we include a torture rating because I think pretty much everyone here will be able to stomach what's thrown at them, even if it's the worst music experience of their life. I've edited my ICP review to add it and will be including it the rest of mine because I'll be finishing these flops because I'm a stubborn mother****er.

If no, then I guess I'll be the one to throw Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music at you. The album so deplored that some are personally offended at the thought of people like myself enjoying it.

Sure. Sounds like a good idea. I guess we'll all go back and re-rate our reviews then. I'll do mine when I have some time later.

**Frownland** · 10-17-2015, 12:27 PM

Maybe we can make a hall of fame for people who recommend albums that people have to turn off partway through (even though, semantically, this would make you terrible at torture if your subject died halfway through).

Trollheart · 10-17-2015, 12:29 PM

Some more ammunition...

Ori, this is for you

and Ninetales, you can have this

Traveling Alone, try this one.

Don't know how any of them will work out, but sure let's try it...

Oriphiel · 10-17-2015, 12:51 PM

Hey Trolheart, don't forget that Batlord has to listen to Pat Boone. I didn't see it on the list.

Trollheart · 10-17-2015, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frownland

Maybe we can make a hall of fame for people who recommend albums that people have to turn off partway through (even though, semantically, this would make you terrible at torture if your subject died halfway through).

Yes I had this idea originally, a sort of "Hall of Infamy" thing. Maybe we can base it on the Torture Level. Regardless of whether or not you finish the album, the higher your Torture Level the greater your position on the board?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Hey Trolheart, don't forget that Batlord has to listen to Pat Boone. I didn't see it on the list.

All updated now.

10-17-2015, 05:42 AM	#112 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,971	Title:The Topography of the Lungs Artiste: Evan Parker Genre: Free Jazz (oh no!) Evil Bastard: Who else but Frownland? Well boys, I guess this is the drink I'm gonna die in. Yep, I'm off to get fitted for a dress because I assume this is gonna kill me if I try to make it all the way through. Free jazz, and soprano sax equals pain for Trollheart. I tell you, I may not always agree with or like Frownland but I have to admit, the guy knows what destroys your resolve. A master torturer indeed. I hope you enjoy New Jersey, you bastard! So let's see how far I can get, though I am not anticipating much. When you have an album that has four tracks total you might think you're getting away easily, but when you then find out that one track takes up a full side of that album, well, you do the math. Who had me lasting for ten seconds? Ok, not starting off well. Sounds like he's trying to move his furniture all on his own, and treading on the kid's squeaky toys in the process. Hmm. Perhaps, once again, humour will be my salvation? Well he;s definitely falling down the stairs now with a horn stuck in his mouth (ooer!) and it's a long way to the bottom. Just like it will be a long way to the end of this album. How long left? Fifty minutes? Yowsa! Well, he's still a-tumblin'! Think someone would be trying to help him at this point but I guess nobody else is at home in his tower block. Down he goes, rollin' rollin' rollin'... Oh I think he reached the end. Sounds like he might be trying to pick up all the stuff that fell with him. Guess he's lucky he didn't break his neck. Right, for every five minutes I last through this I'm gonna yell Vote Goatfish! I don't expect to be shouting it very often. Okay, that's one. VOTE GOATFISH! Now it looks like he may be pushing a piano back up the stairs, surely not a clever thing to do and how can he have the energy after taking such a fall? Broke a window there. Now he's stopping to play the piano. This dude rocks. In a bad way. Silence. If only the next forty-odd minutes remained like that, but no, he's, um, I don't know, what's he doing? Sounds like he's outside now, opening and closing his garage door. Spooky, eerie sounds. Is something horrible hiding in his garage? Sounds like he's advancing carefully in, watching for any sudden attacks. Something giggled there in the dark. Think it came from that corner mate! Neighbour's cat? Drunk who somehow stumbled in here during the night? The Lord Cthulu, taking a breather from plotting his dark triumphant return and the destruction of the Earth? Sounds like he's running away now squealing, there's breaking glass: is he being chased? Sounds like whatever it was caught him. Or he it. Whichever. It's quiet now. Oh, another five minutes gone. VOTE GOATFISH! The one good thing about this album (the only good thing) is the longish silences between either tracks or sections or whatever the ** this guy is at. Sounds like he fell down the stairs again. Clumsy er, innee? Watching cartoons too. Or maybe he just stood on the cat's tail. Screechy anyway. Sounds like an electric piano there, or a harmonium. Or a ing dustbin with an elastic band stretched across it, for all I know. Man this is e. I think I'd rather listen to Naked City. Yeah, let's not go there. Hey! Another five minutes survived! VOTE GOATFISH! And the madness continues. How in the name of the lord holy I'm going to know when it goes into a new track is beyond me, unless it sounds totally different to this. But who cares? I'm not here to review this garbage, just make it through in one piece and with what's left of my sanity relatively intact. And I now have thirty-five minutes and forty-four seconds to go. Sounds like a Native American is sitting crying in the corner. I know how he feels. They should have used this in Guantanamo! Nobody would have given a about protecting Osama or KSM once they'd be subjected to this. Gate hinges sound a little rusty there me old pal. Better get the three-in-one out! No, not helping, I can still hear them squeaking. And now here come some birds. No, they've ed off again. Damn birds. Maybe you should get that repaired professionally, pal: you seem to be just making it worse. VOTE GOATFISH! Man, that's twenty whole ing minutes I've lasted through this thing. Never in my wildest dreams expected to get this far. I thought this was going to be the one that did me in, but I guess I'm made of sterner stuff, or just not prepared to be the first to pussy out. He's getting really agitated now, swinging that gate back and forth, to and fro, and really it just is not helping. Oh, he's given up. Good. Gone to the office; I can hear typewriters and bells, might be phones ringing. The boss is angry, hear him giving out like one of the adults in the “Peanuts” cartoons. Hey! I think he hit him! Or maybe our man hit his boss. If so, he's out of a job. Maybe he can make it as a musician. Oh dear lord did I say that? Yeah, sounds like a knockdown fight now and it's spilling out into the corridor. What a way for executives to behave, eh? Nearly halfway through this barf-fest now. Yay me! Are those crackerjacks? Things are getting serious. Where did that bus come from? Think our man is winning now. With a few last punches he lays his boss out and tells him to go stuff his job and out he goes. VOTE GOATFISH! And we've reached the halfway point. Is that the cops banging on his door? Surely the bossman wasn't hurt that badly? Nah, they've gone away now, and he's back to moving furniture with the same spectacular lack of success he had before. Why doesn't he just hire a removals firm? He's obviously not up to this. Woops! An actual snatch of melody wandered in there. Kick it the ** out! Right, back to the pointless noise. That's better. Not really. God, he's really straining to push that wardrobe across the floor. Wow! Think he may have slipped a disc there! Certainly screaming in pain. VOTE GOATFISH! Oh no! I think he's fallen down the stairs again. OW! I felt that! Silence again. Not surprised. Must be unconscious by now. Sadly for me, no, he isn't. He just does not know when to give up. He must be covered in bruises by now, but he keeps at it. Talk about stubborn! And that's another five minutes done. VOTE GOATFISH! Only seventeen to go! Sounds like he was trying to open his car door, it got stuck and again he went wild. Not a man given to a sunny or patient temperament, this guy! Now he's trying to lever it open with a hanger, but it keeps bending and snapping back at him. Sitting down now to catch his breath, calm down and think things through. VOTE GOATFISH! Twelve minutes to go. I think he's gone to drown his sorrows and has returned to his car, staggering around drunk, falling over things. Again. Now it sounds like he's going back into his house (there's that rusty gate opening again) and, um,falling over things. Here comes his cat. VOTE GOATFISH! Nearing the finish line now, a mere seven minutes to go. I could do that standing on my head. Well, not at my age, obviously. Sitting in a rocking chair now, opening a beer, relaxing. He's had a tough day. Sounds like someone is banging on the door. He's losing it again. Why can't people leave him alone? Sounds like he's ignoring the unwanted caller and struggling up the stairs. Probably heading to bed. As will I after this. Think he left the telly on downstairs, it's whining in that way it used to when the programme schedule ran out late at night, leaving only static. Oh, one more VOTE GOATFISH! Two minutes and change left to go, and I don't know what he's doing now. Thought he was going to bed but it sounds like he's chasing something around the room. Maybe he found a mouse. Or a melody that he has to chase and catch and kill. And we are out. Alternative review: Screech! Splat! Bang! Moan! Crash! Squeak! Rumble! Rinse and repeat for 52:45. Man that was awful but humour as usual got me through. I had no idea I could survive that. My personal finest hour since Gnaw Their Tongues last year. I think I deserve some sort of medal --- thanks. Hey! This medal is made of chocolate! What kind of ---- mmmmm! Choco-late! __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

10-17-2015, 08:26 AM	#113 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	I say that we include a torture rating because I think pretty much everyone here will be able to stomach what's thrown at them, even if it's the worst music experience of their life. I've edited my ICP review to add it and will be including it the rest of mine because I'll be finishing these flops because I'm a stubborn mother***er. If no, then I guess I'll be the one to throw Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music at you. The album so deplored that some are personally offended at the thought of people like myself enjoying it. __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.* d e a f b o x Last edited by Frownland; 10-17-2015 at 08:31 AM.

10-17-2015, 11:16 AM	#115 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,355	Oddly enough, I'm listening to Metal Machine Music right now. I kinda like it so far. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

10-17-2015, 12:27 PM	#117 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	Maybe we can make a hall of fame for people who recommend albums that people have to turn off partway through (even though, semantically, this would make you terrible at torture if your subject died halfway through). __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

10-17-2015, 12:29 PM	#118 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,971	Some more ammunition... Ori, this is for you and Ninetales, you can have this Traveling Alone, try this one. Don't know how any of them will work out, but sure let's try it... __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

10-17-2015, 12:51 PM	#119 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,355	Hey Trolheart, don't forget that Batlord has to listen to Pat Boone. I didn't see it on the list. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------