ladyislingering

this, though.

I'm up by 5am, 5 days a week. I spend the next 11 or 12 hours on my feet, lifting, sorting, carrying, walking what feels like a thousand miles just putting product on the salesfloor at work. Apart from having a generous health insurance plan (which has been incredibly helpful to me) I feel like something's just not adding up when I'm working 40+ hours a week and Christmas is going to have to be light this year.

I rarely spend money on things I don't need, and still, somehow, after the bills are paid, there's so little left.

For instance, after I paid my portion of rent, my phone bill and a payment to creditors I had ... $50 in my bank account. And I'm facing this upcoming week splitting pennies with $25.

Fucking ridiculous.

I learned my frugality from my father because I was an accident child and ruined their life. My sister came 5 years later though she was less of a surprise. My parents were deep in the poverty pit for most of my life because they had children and it destroyed everything. Thankfully they also taught me the value of being childfree, so while things are a little rough in the first half of the month (the in-between paychecks are pretty good) at least I can enjoy what little I have when there aren't bills to pay.

Also I'm pleased that I can buy 10 cans of high-quality cat food for $7.50. The cat goes through about a can a day. Can't feed a kid for that kind of money. Oh, and a giant thing of cat litter is $10. And it lasts about 3 weeks. $10 worth of diapers might last a kid a couple days. I just don't understand why people have children; they're so ridiculously expensive and in this day and age it's just not an economical thing to do.

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GuD

Yeah I know. I'm working towards making things better for myself things just suck in the meantime and I'm not totally confident in my ability to get where I wanna be. A lot of it is just family stuff too... I catch a lot of lip from my folks for not living up to their standards. It's my life and I'll live how I want to I just get a little insecure sometimes... especially after I see or talk with them

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I spit bullets in my feet
Every time I speak
So I write instead
And still people want me dead
~msc

Chula Vista

But...

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“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

DwnWthVwls

-My long and beautiful hair
-Ki
-My kitten
-Alcohol/Drugs
-Not being a fat slob

How did I do LiL?

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I don't got a god complex, you got a simple god...

GuD

It's easy to distract yourself with things that are nice and good but that doesn't make the things that aren't nice and good any less not nice and good. I'm all for positive thinking and determination but sometimes you just need to acknowledge things that are bothering you. Especially when they've been nipping at you for a long time.

__________________
I spit bullets in my feet
Every time I speak
So I write instead
And still people want me dead
~msc

ladyislingering

I'm really trying. I'm not always miserable. I've been making a point to listen to some of my favorite music when I'm doing morning maintenance on the salesfloor before the store opens, which has upped my energy a tiny bit but throughout the day I sort of just... lose it.

I'm usually a decent person. I'm a functioning human being most of the year but once winter hits I don't even know what the hell my brain is doing. It just decides it's going to make me think of terrible things, dwell on shit that happened years ago that I normally don't care about, and force me into a barely ambulatory state.

Caffeine sort of helps a little but the crash is intense. I have the worst migraine I've ever had in my life right now, and I never usually get headaches.

So it's really not that I'm not trying. I'm taking care of myself the best I can during my time of need, and just trying so hard to get through the winter, get through the holiday season and hope that the next one is easier.

I still have my sense of reasoning so it's easy for me to list 5 things I'm thankful for.

• I'm thankful that I have a job that's given me health insurance.
• I have an extended family that adores me.
• My cat is healthy and well fed.
• I have a boyfriend who loves me.
• It may be cold outside but it's warm inside our apartment.

I have a good life. I just don't have a very good level of dopamine in my brain right now.

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ladyislingering

spot on, man. Spot. On.

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Chula Vista

Thank you. Do me a favor and print this out and tape it to a mirror you use daily.

__________________

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

John Wilkes Booth

"i cried because i had no feet until my doctor fixed me with some robotic ****. now i'm trying out for the olympics, bitch."

- malcolm x

The Batlord

People I don't like being unhappy.
Fat kids falling down and hurting themselves.
Nazi metal.
Farting in elevators.
Fantasizing about my palace on the top of Mount Everest that I shall build when I rule the world.

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