grindy

Your travel journey was the **** though.

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A smell of petroleum prevails throughout.

Mondo Bungle

I dunno why though, I'm just saying what happened, which really wasn't much

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grindy

But you told it in a cool way.
As I probably already said, it feels like a kind of modern "On The Road".

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A smell of petroleum prevails throughout.

Mondo Bungle

that's the part I don't understand. But I mean you are your own worst critic

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Mondo Bungle

I'll try to finish it then like I've said 219 times before, although some of the dialogue may have been fictionalized

plus the point I'm coming up on in the timeline is very blurry, it was a whack stretch in Colorado

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Frownland

I liked how you used paragraphs.

Lot of exposition there, I would recommend trying to show more than you tell. A lot of your details seem to be there just to fill space, it would be better if they conveyed something meaningful about the character and a lot of your descriptors are used in a boring and unnecessary way, especially when you describe a scheme as dastardly or an obvious antagonist as evil. I also think that your characters need to grow more. What's the point of the story? Sure, he failed but I don't see how that affected him or the antagonist and I can't really tell why you're relaying it to me other than to tell me who invaded the Pentagon.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

rubber soul

See, now that's what I mean by a constructive critique. That I can use.

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Mondo Bungle

**** yeah I did a new entry full of nothing

don't worry though I'm prety sure it picks up the next day

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Trollheart

That's a lie: you are very good. You just need to settle your style down a little, and get that tenses thing under control.
I can certainly critique this if you want, but if you're going to ignore my points or, to use one of Frownland's favourite words, just say I'm mean, I won't bother.

I do wonder though, why you keep posting stuff you say is not your good stuff? I mean, I have written tons of garbage in my time, but I'd never dream of posting the bad stuff. What's the point? If you know it sucks, then everyone else is going to know that too. Why not post something you're actually proud of? I wouldn't post anything here that I didn't think was good enough to be read.
If you're a good writer, then yes, you should be.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

rubber soul

I've got a question for you then. Why do you post your good stuff here instead of trying to get it published? My best stuff is the one book I wrote and even that still needs editing.

And you sure as hell ain't going to see that because if I ever do publish anything, it will be that. Besides, it wouldn't be dark enough for you anyway.

I'll write little snippets here and there on the boards, probably in the games section. And if you think it sucks, well,

But seriously, what's holding you back from getting a publisher? You could even self-publish your stuff these days if you're worried about rejection.

I'd still join a writing forum where you could at least protect your work while getting critiqued, though I'd advise against posting the entire book for a variety of reasons. Just submit a chapter or two and chances are it will be read, especially if it's good. Also make sure you reciprocate with your own critiques (which from what I've seen, shouldn't be a problem). At some forums it's even a requirement.

Anyway, I know I'm not the next Dostoevsky nor will I try to be. I just turned 56 and I have better things to do with my life, pathetic as it is.

But you are talented, Troll. Don't waste the talent on a f****** music site.


Still friends?

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