Lucem Ferre

Just ****ing do it, dude. You could get a much better job. I assure you that you'll adapt to where ever you go and you'll probably get paid better.

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The Batlord

I'm doing it, but I just have this thing where after a few days anything I set my mind to I stop setting my mind to. I'm just glad I've now got cred on the line.

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Lucem Ferre

It's called anxiety.

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The Batlord

Honestly not entirely. I get up in arms, and then the up in arms fades and I'm just kinda bland on the thing I was up in arms about. It's more about not being able to sustain enthusiasm regardless of how important the thing is, even if it's a thing that has massive repercussions to my own life.

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Lucem Ferre

Oh, pfff, that's obviously from a lack of discipline in your child hood. Should have sent you to military school.

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The Batlord

I thank military school for helping me to realize that my lack of initiative isn't a character flaw but simply part of my character. I just don't want to do stuff and no amount of telling myself I need to do stuff is going to change my DNA.

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Lucem Ferre

I think it's probably rooted more into depression or self worth than just being a character trait. Then again, I could just be projecting.

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The Batlord

I was a lazy kid who wanted to watch Batman cartoons and never do home work ever since I can remember, but I'm pretty sure I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, and I clearly remember thinking in elementary school that my grades would take a dive when I went to middle school because I wouldn't be able to bring myself to care enough, and lo and behold I was right and my entire life has been built on all of that. So all of the above? But also yeah all of this **** is swirled together as my personality. I'm never going to pull myself out of this funk because this funk is who I am and always has been.

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Lucem Ferre

I was the same way. Like, I did all my work at school, got perfect grades until they introduced the concept of homework to me. I got home and didn't want to do some boring ass bull**** that I already did all day. I wanted to escape and play games and draw and ****. Explore my imagination. That's how I am now. I work my ass off at work and I don't wanna do **** when I get home. I notice that when I force myself to get up and do more I'm usually a bit happier. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, I always return to hopeless laziness in the end. I don't know if I'm doomed to be this way. I just know that I don't exactly know how to change.

Either way, it reminds me of a lot of my friends who suffer from the same severe depression. How they molded their identity around their depression. I think that they dwell in it and feed off of their own sadness because with out it they don't know who they are. Maybe that's me too.

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The Batlord

It's probably the way you are. You probably are doomed to be this way. I say rather than try to change yourself to fit an ideal you've built up in your mind that is probably forced upon you by a society that doesn't know who you are or care you should conform your hopes and expectations around the person you actually are.

You're never going to wake up one day and be different. You're never going to mold yourself into someone different. You're simply always going to be this way. If you can figure out a way of life that accounts for this and doesn't feel like you're beating your head against a wall, you won't be happy, because that's not the way we are, but you might be able to live a life that makes sense to you at least.

It's depressing, but ask yourself if the people you wish you could be like could ever be like you are now. Of course they couldn't and of course you couldn't be like them.

Their identity isn't their depression. Long term, life long depression is a concept created by a society that doesn't feel it, so they must come to terms with an idea that they feel is an aberration. But it simply is you, the way you think, the way you live. Everyone molds their identity around something that makes sense to them, which is just another way of saying that it simply is the way they are, and you mold your identity around sadness because you're sad. But even the concept of sadness is in opposition to what other people see as their status quo. Their status quo isn't yours. If to them you are sad then that's their definition. You're just you. And I guess you're sad. I'm sad too. But really I'm just me. And you're just you.

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