**** you, we wanna know what happened and how you got back to... wherever the hell it is you are now.

well never mind then

Feel free to make your own journal otherwise don't talk about it here.

Here is some insight on women...

(Note: I am NOT referring to the screeching, foaming at the mouth SJWs... stay away from man-haters; they are not fit for relationships and will only serve to whittle away yor confidence even more.)

Ki, you are your own worst enemy when it comes to relationships (you are already aware of this, I know), and unless you get out of your comfort zone and shift your current attitude towards yourself (and relationships in general), then your love life will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Women are pretty basic. The first mistake you can make is taking seriously anything they SAY that they want out of a relationship... Women are constantly bull****ting about how they want a nice, sensitive guy who will respect their space and independence, blah blah blah... It's ****ing bull****.

Women want a guy who will chase them (it makes them feel desireable). Women want a guy willing to take a chance, risk rejection, and possibly humiliate himself in an effort to pursue them (why should they take a risk on a guy who doesn't even consider them worth the risk?). It doesn't matter whether you are confident or insecure, the fact that you're actually making an effort is all that counts. Dont wait for them to come to you. You go to them. Be direct. Dont be wishy washy. Be decisive. Women, above all else, seek security; indecisiveness and cowardice is the furthest thing from security. Don't just offer them a shoulder to cry on and expect that everything will fall into place... Nothing will get you in the friend zone faster.

You have to be willing to face rejection. Over and over again. Even the most desirable alpha males get rejected (more often than you might think). But they go for it anyway, pick themselves up, and don't waste time wondering in abstract terms whether they are good enough.

Lastly, command respect. Women can't respect a guy who doesn't respect himself, a guy who kisses her ass, is afraid to disagree with her, and afraid to stand up for himself when she's acting like a ****. Any girl who can't handle the dynamic I just described, is looking for a doormat, not a boyfriend. Good riddance I say.

Sorry, Ki. Tough love. I hope you take it as a challenge and not a reason to beat yourself up even further. You know I'm right, the question is whether your fear of rejection and heartache will control where you go (or stay) from here.

Thanks Chels :)

Anytime, dude :)







Now go **** yourself.

I may need assistant, would you like to help me **** myself?

Chelsea's right, you know. Otherwise why would I still be single??

Oh yeah, right: I forgot. The ugliness. The lack of funds. The sense of humour nobody seems to appreciate or understand. The lack of muscles. The balding head. The glasses. The being unable to take anyone anywhere due to having decided to look after my sister until one of us dies. Did I mention the ugliness?

Yeah but apart from all that ... it's a genuine mystery, dude.
Oh of course yeah, I forgot: the small dick.
:shycouch:

You sound like the woman in Love Actually who has to take care of her brother.

...

Besides the molestation thing I pretty much relate to everything you've said, so you're certainly not alone in all this ****ty anxiety and self-destruction. Don't know what to say about molestation though, other than I hope the person went to prison and dropped the soap.

Ah the curse 'o the Irish. I know nothing about it...

Apparently I missed that post?? Ditto to the soap wishes. Damn.

Well, I figured I'd pop in, too, since being a girl is something I have some experience with, and since having a happy relationship with a man is also something I know about.

Chelsea is right that women want to be pursued, but a girl worth her salt will not continue to make you chase her. Yes, girls want to be chased--but the point is to be caught. Show that you want her, but do not be afraid to say, "I've said my say. Now make your choice."

Chelsea is also totally correct that girls do not want weak men, but in my experience, girls do not actually want to admit this. They say that want to be in charge. They may even think so themselves. But they are not nearly as happy when they are.

A lot of the issues I have observed in male-female interactions stem from this fundamental difference: men are much better at giving respect to a woman than they are at giving love, and women are much better at giving love to a man than they are at giving respect.

Much of what a woman says about wanting to be "respected" really just means she wants to feel important to her lover. She wants to feel loved, treasured. Men can do the "you're a person, your opinions are as valid as mine, etc., etc.," but what the girls want is to hear that they are the great treasure of their lover's life.

Women can love men, want what's best for him, even be willing to sacrifice for him, but they often retain that little attitude that he'd be helpless without them, that he's lovable but not worthy of respect.

It can be a huge mess. Knowing about it can help. I love my Sir. I adore him. He is the great passion of my life.

But I also respect him. I show him that respect in our daily lives, and I have taught our spawn to do so, too. He is the King in his house.

My Sir has respect for my opinions, for my thoughts, but more than this, he treasures me. He loves me. Pure and simple.

Chelsea is right. Women are simple. They just seem complicated because they are trying to act like they want something different from what actually makes them happy.

im taking notes

[ignores Batty's bait]

Well said, Kedvesem. Especially the parts about love/respect. So very true. If I talked to my man the way I talked to you guys here on MB... I wouldn't have one. In fact, I think this concept is probably the most important thing to understand for a successful long-term relationship.

Ki, if you let a woman perpetually disrespect you, sure, she might love you for it... but you will grow to hate her. While your breakup wounds are still fresh, I urge you to stop trying to repress them, and instead reflect on patterns... Patterns of treatment between you and lil, the patterns that created your relationship dynamic, and where those patterns eventually led you. If you suppress the pain, you'll never learn from it.

First off, I want to tell you: I get it. Maybe not "it" exactly as you experience it, but I get it in my own way. When I first booked an appointment with my psychologist, my friend had to do all the research to find her, find out about their fees, how my insurance worked, had to get me the phone number, then talk me through making an appointment both before and after booking it. "Get help" was just something else that was on my long list of deadlines and to-dos; it was a project I did not have the time or energy to undertake. At its most severe, I was too overwhelmed to even think about starting the process, but as soon as the anxiety subsided, I felt like I didn't have the energy to relive those feelings in front of a professional. It took me 8 or 9 months from the date I first realized I had a problem until the problem itself was so severe I could no longer ignore it.

As for your previous forays into mental health, I can tell you both from personal experience and from years of research that the single greatest predictor of success is the relationship between the client and provider itself. You have to like the person, and everyone you meet will be different. Unfortunately, it does take some searching to find a person who you like enough to work with, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But I can attest that if you do persevere (maybe not now, but in the future), and you do find someone you like enough to talk to and to learn from, it can really help you take control back from that ice cold, leaden fist of anxiety.

It wasn't bait, bitch. It was a link to Ki's post.

I know nothing about that movie nor do I wish to. This is real life anyway. Not in any way sure why you're apparently cheapening my situation by likening it to a romcom, but this is Ki's journal so who cares? The important thing is that I take my responsibilities exceptionally seriously. As I think would anyone in my position.

I aintcho bitch, and therefore have no use for any link of yours.

Oh fuck off. I'm not cheapening anything, you kneejerk bastard. That woman's relationship with her brother is tastefully and respectfully displayed, actually. It was a compliment...but you know what? Fuck you. Now I don't care.

Fine, don't read Ki's post, you nitwit.

Gee, that makes two of us.

I wonder if all this petty bickering is making Ki feel better that at least he is not any of us. Especially Batty.

Appreciate everyone's thoughts especially Ped's and Bat's in regards to my posts. In regards to the comment toward TH that Mord was responsible for, you have literally no idea what his situation is, so you have no place to show any sign of knowing. TH has his situations much like you do and much like I do. If you have a problem with him, take it to PM, not my journal. I would greatly appreciate it.

@Chelsea: My recent post talks about my experience with molestation in case you're curious as to why Bat was linking you to it. It's a genuine deal. I don't think he's trolling you.

Exactly. Sorry Ki, didn't mean to take over your journal. Backing out now...

It's not your fault. Just the nature of the argument. It wasn't really you doing anything more than it was just some cheap shots here and there. No need to apologize, I'm just trying to be civil is all. This stuff is hard enough to write, so I just don't want there to be much derailment.

He's always trolling me. But will check out. I apologize for any contribution to the derailment.

So Ki, I never have been fully able to understand what it's like to go through molestation in any form. Mostly cause I've never experienced it. So thank you for that cause it will help me better understand people who go through it. And help my friends who have gone through it as well and relate to them on a more personal level. You have just made me a better person. I in no way can thank you enough.

No problem. The Bat can be surprisingly genuine. I've experienced it for myself and it's rather strange.

I don't know about all cases, but for mine specifically it's been tough to really feel sexually attracted to anyone because of it. I know that for a fact because whenever I used to get close to my ex in the prime of our relationship, I'd have flashbacks of it, even though I got help. She knew that and understood it, but unfortunately I believe it's also part of why I grew distant from her. It's always good to have a bit of understanding of what they went through, but I wouldn't wish such a thing on anybody.

That's harsh man, I feel for you. I've had two friends that were raped and it really is awful to know someone who went through something like that. If you ever need to talk to me about it I'm here.

It's all good my man. It's one of those things where you learn to cope with it as opposed to pushing it away altogether. Would I have wanted it differently? Of course. No kid should ever go through that. But I've allowed it to help me define more of myself instead of beat me up. It's a part of who I am and I just have to accept it.

Whoa, okay... Had apparently skipped over that last paragraph while being distracted at work the other day... Jesus, dude... I'm an ass...

Honestly, take my advice with a grain of salt because I've never been through sexual abuse before, but in my own life, I have found that counseling others has helped me cope and make sense of my own personal plate of traumatic experiences.

Believe it or not, you don't have to have your own **** figured out in order to help other people through their ****; it's easier from the outside looking in because there is a level of emotional dissonance that enables you to reason more efficiently. In fact, helping others is a great technique for teaching yourself the skills of how to help yourself. It not only empowers your confidence through purpose, but also (in my experience) is much more effective than therapy because in a therapeutic setting, you are STILL playing the role of victim, which can be counterintuitive to pulling yourself out of the vicious cycle of victimhood.

It's worth a shot :)

It's all good, Chelsea. I know your advice isn't meant to be spiteful or mean spirited so I didn't take it that way. I appreciate what you said as well.

I feel is though it had the opposite effect on me. Then again, I react to these things much differently from most people.

What did?

Molestation.

Oh. Well yeah, I don't really expect it to have the same effect on everyone. I have a different way of coping with it.