I'd also like to thank everyone for their wonderful feedback and suggestions. I wasn't entirely sure how this journal was going to go, and I'm very happy with how it has been received. A new entry will be coming soon. But again, I appreciate everyone and their willingness to read what I'm writing. Means a lot. Truly.

We like it because you put your pain in this journal, and then we consume it and it ages us wile you take our youth and you will eventually live for ever or some ****.

Actually, that's not something we should support, but we can't stop now because it's voodoo. Look for the crossroads.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com...9f76941ca9.jpg

I was never molested, but I was physically abused by my mother when I was young, not to count the fact that she didn't feed me and my sister properly, sometimes not even at all. I then went to live with my Grandma because I told my headteacher at school. But for some reason it never properly affected me in life. Like, it's had zero impact on my life. I never held a grudge (probably seems like I should), and I never really thought about it. And it was never something I felt to hide, since I honestly don't give a **** when I tell somebody I've just met.

Anyway, I have no idea what you're going through, I don't have social anxiety and I'm an extremely confident person. Not shy either. I will admit I'm quiet sometimes, but that's mostly when I'm working or doing work at college, since I get distracted easily. I won't give you any advice since I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through, but I sincerely hope you don't get too down and try to look at the positives the best you can. I couldn't give advice on girls, although I do agree with everybody saying to just go for it. Take a risk if you like somebody. Worked for me, all though that is in no way proof that it will work for you, but it certainly shouldn't phase you if you get rejected. I'm also 19 years old, so I most likely don't know ****, but I felt like saying something so whatever.

Ki,

My sister and I were both molested and beaten for years by our stepdad. She went on to smoke crack and strip, and I went to college and got married. But despite the seeming normality of my life, our demons were the same. On the outside everything looked fine, but inside I was dead. I was fucked up, and I did fucked up things. The difference for me was the love of a good woman. The best woman in the world. The only woman who could have saved me.

Hi, Ked! :love:

Molestation and abuse are a breach of trust and a betrayal of love, so only love can heal the damage. That may sound corny to you, but it's true. I don't mean the trite portrayals of love we often see in movies or hear in music. I mean love that endures and sacrifices. Nothing is stronger than that.

Also, if you are suffering from PTSD as I was, two or three controlled sessions of therapy with MDMA will sort your brain out on the mental health side of things.

I would be careful with the MDMA thing...

Ecstasy can actually kill the serotonin levels going through your nerves so there's a large chance that you'll never feel happy again if it goes south. Just a heads up.

https://www.drugabuse.gov/publicatio...ma-do-to-brain
https://psychcentral.com/news/2011/1...oss/32282.html

Ki, when you wrote about "pushing away" potential mates--yes, that is a thing. Sir was determined to prove love did not exist, for in his experience, it did not. Not only was he abused, but his mother knew about the abuse and ... did nothing. So he tried to prove that I did not/could not love him. I did and do love him, though, so here we are. I was able to show him that love was real, despite his "pushing me away".

Also, PTSD really messes you up. If you have it, I totally agree with my Sir on the controlled MDMA sessions. 2-3 should do it.

Please stop promoting this I'm sorry and I'm sure it worked for him but I don't want to advocate hard drug use and this could really **** Ki up easily.

Aside from that, how did you two meet anyways?

I was seriously about to ask the same thing.

Your link is about abuse, Tristan, not use. Big difference. Hence us stressing the limited time and in a controlled, therapeutic environment. Not a club, not a rave, not casually with friends.

Alright, in that case carefully describe how you did it if Ki asks, otherwise he might end up doing just that.

I'm not gonna do drugs because someone on the internet says so.

That post about their relationship reminded me of this song.

Don't do drugs.

Remember, this was all your fault.

****. Now what do I do?

You should probably order some pizza.

University. Junior year. I was in the student center waiting for the cafeteria to open. I was sitting with the Riverside Shakespeare on my lap, reading a play for homework. I was taking an upper division Shakespeare class. A female voice with a British accent interrupts my reading with, "Taming of the Shrew is one of my favorite Shakespeare plays." I look up. Beautiful girl, but I play it cool. We chat for a couple minutes, then she goes her own way. I don't think much more about her until I see her again at a coffee-shop poetry reading. I remember her...and her voice, so I ask her to read one of my poems. She graciously agrees to do so, and I was quite happy to hear her. She's a natural on the stage.

Later we're in the drama circle together. I'm no actor, so I work tech, like being stage manager and being in charge of lights. We build a collapseable fireplace for a play. She also acts the female lead in "Shut and Bar the Door". She was fucking brilliant, a natural actress!

We got together and dated for a couple months, but I got scared and broke up with her. (I'm an idiot.)

She still loved me and told me so later when we were talking on the phone. I was jealous to see all these guys jump in and try to woo her. She told me she doesn't play games. I swallowed my fear and asked her to be mine again. a little while later, I asked her to marry me.

We were engaged through our senior year. Graduated on a Monday, got married that Friday. Moved to Japan the next day. We had it all planned out for a year.

That's beautiful :) you went to college in NC? And if she's british why was she here?

That's really ****ing weird because I ordered pizza tonight.

Ohio, actually. She's not British. American who grew up in Europe, starting in the UK. Went back to USA for uni. We met. Fate.

that's actually a pretty amazing story

Yeah. Interesting read in my journal for sure.

http://i.imgur.com/duC5KOx.png

I really only want to bring this up in here because it's my journal and I can do whatever the **** I want in here. I honestly would not have come to realize this had I not logged into Facebook this morning, but on this day a year ago was the day I separated myself from the girl I thought I was meant for. At this point in time, we had both come to a mutual agreement and decided it was best for us to go our separate ways (little did I know she would end up with the guy she had been cheating on me with the next day). I really don't know what to feel because I really haven't been through this type of thing before, so today could literally be really good, or it can be really bad.

All I really want to try to do is keep my mind on things that make me happy, and attempt to not reflect on the past. Let's face it, this is a ****ty thing to be reminded of and when I saw it, the whole ordeal I had been through up until this point today felt rather fresh. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it makes sense in my head, so whatever.

I really also don't know if these types of things should be remembered as I honestly didn't remember the day until Facebook decided to push it onto me (Thanks Facebook). You don't have to be nice to me today. I don't expect sympathy. In fact, I really don't want sympathy because than I'm allowing the situation to reopen and that's not really something worth doing. I really don't know how today is going to go, but I should see this as a door opening to allow me to push forward.

Aw :)

You should go on Facebook and say with complete seriousness that you are now in a loving relationship with a cactus, and then post a pic of this guy shoving a cactus up his ass that I saw on 4Chan.

**** facebook. Good thing you're still pushing through though.

You give the best advice.

Almost a year to the date of my worst break up, I dreamed he died in a car accident. It was cathartic. :)

Wrong, Ki. You do know how this day is going to go, because you have the choice of either allowing yourself to spiral into a cycle of negative thinking and "what ifs," or you can can decide to reflect on the fact that a mere year ago, you decided to end a toxic relationship of betrayal in order to spend the next year bravely confronting your demons so that you can eventually leave them behind you in peace.

ftfy

Ah, but was it an accident? Come to think of it, was it even a dream? :jailed:

I mean, she's a homeless heroin addict. How much worse could I wish upon her? :laughing:

wisk

Wolves in Sheepskin? You cruel bastard! :laughing:

You stated that, "Ecstasy can actually kill the serotonin levels going through your nerves so there's a large chance that you'll never feel happy again if it goes south. Just a heads up. "

Here's my "heads up" ... in reverse of sorts.

Your statement is in an obvious reference to the popular serotonin-as-the-happiness-molecule theory launched and marketed by corporate medicine.

Yet a sizable volume of sound research studies demonstrated that increasing serotonin and tryptophan either with drugs or supplements (not food because food's unlikely to significantly raise serotonin) is linked to brain dysfunction, stress hormone release, cognitive deficits, inflammation, impaired blood circulation in the brain, hypertension, cancer, and other less than "happy" effects - do a search engine query for "Tryptophan Side Effects: L-Tryptophan Is Far From Harmless" by Rolf Hefti.

The "serotonin-happiness" mantra, just like the mechanistic simplistic "chemical imbalance" idea, seem to be almost entirely an all-too convenient invention of the medical-pharma business, which allowed them to sell their highly profitable antidepressant drugs, such as SSRIs.

Now, on the other hand, this is NOT meant as an endorsement for using Ecstasy... lol

The **** is this ****.

Reflecting on yesterday: I had a few mental breakdowns that even I couldn't have foreseen. I'm not entirely sure what prompted it to happen since I went out with my younger bro and my mom to get sushi. Suddenly I found myself spilling everything out on the table without the fear of being judged (though deep down I felt judged). The issue that comes to mind out of all of this is the fact that my mom loves to cut people off when they talk. It's partly why I don't really talk to her much about my personal issues because she already knows what she's going to say before I say anything. The thing that became a common conclusion out of all of this was...

Therapy.

I've decided it may be a good idea for me to do this. People in this thread have been telling me about it, but now close family members are saying it as well. maybe it's time I bite the bullet and give it a shot.

When January 1st comes around. I'm going to be working with my parents whom I live with now, and make a 6 month plan and a 1 year plan. If I have something to work toward, I feel I can really get out of this funk I'm in. I want to enjoy this month and the holidays and everything going on, and I feel it's best for me to look forward to something instead of reliving the past. I don't want to be 35 years old, look back at this journal, and find that I've done nothing to fix myself.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

Just don't make a commitment to anything that you'll feel you'll have to keep for the sake of your family. Family obligations can be a bear, and when it's about your mental health and you end up not feeling comfortable with therapy or the therapist you shouldn't feel obligated to continue just because of them.

This is about you, and when you say you're going to do something to please a family member that seeming obligation can sometimes do more harm than good if you don't feel that you can meet it. Stress based on making family happy can be even more destructive than the help that they're providing in good faith.

Don't feel like you have to stick with the first person you meet with. The most important thing is finding somebody you like. Don't feel like you should suffer through awkwardness or irrelevant crap just because that person is a professional--there are different ways of helping and it might take some time for you to find someone who fits you well.

Most of all, I wish you well and the best of luck.