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Key 12-07-2016 12:06 PM

A Journey Through The Mind of a Loner: A Kiiii Story
 
Since we're apparently throwing the baton out the window for any sort of music related or media related journals at this site, I feel it's only fair that I create a journal where I can throw the rest of my bull**** into. I don't really expect this to go well, but hey, if Trollheart can get away with making 100 journals about different topics (although pointless) why can't I?

So, you're probably asking what this journal is going to be used for. Well, it's pretty simple, though if it were you wouldn't be asking. Fair enough. This will be a space for me to jot down anything that I can't include in my music journal and gaming journal (shameless plug). What does that imply? Well, it pretty much opens the door for me to go on rants about politics, or post links to the articles that I'm very proud of, or it's just to dig myself into a deeper self deprecating hole, if that's even possible at this point.

Don't worry, things that will be posted in here aren't things I'm afraid of being public. I've not really been known to express interest in my personal life give or take a few things, but that's why I want to make this place so that I can talk about those things, look for advice, and whatever else that pops into my head.

You may not realize it, but i'm a complicated individual. I don't show it very often more because my self esteem is basically non existent. I'm okay with admitting that more because I'm not under the impression that it's a problem, more so it's a coping mechanism. Will this help me become a proper individual in today's societal standards? I certainly hope not. If anything, this journal is going to be filled with so much nonsense that I'll end up going crazy.

side note: if anything here is unreadable or you feel confused, don't worry about it. a lot of what i write about isn't even considered part of the english language as i don't really have a grasp on the idea altogether. and don't ask, because no, i'm not depressed. in fact, i've accepted the fact that my life is a complete **** hole and i would like to talk about it instead of sulking. better for everyone.

Key 12-07-2016 12:38 PM

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images...1_400x400.jpeg
Work

Something rather odd about living alone with your cat is the fact that you really don't know what you want to do with your life. So how does one fix that? By finding work you can do online for $$$. If you aren't aware by this point in time, you either don't listen, or don't partake in the continuous scrutiny that tends to take place at this forum. Although i've become a better person for it (if possible) it'd still be amazing if nobody has learned at this point that I do indeed write clickbait articles for millions of people on the internet. Want proof? Here's my author page:

Robert Baccetti Articles - TheRichest

Now, what are my actual thoughts about this endeavor? Simple. I'm happy with it as far as one can be happy with writing clickbait. I could be sitting in bed all day sulking my life away and before I know it, i'm 30. But instead, i'm sitting in bed all day sulking my life away, and writing my life in the form of clickbait. So, when I turn 30, I can at least consider my 20's a little bit less of a failure. When it really boils down to it, I don't mind when people say "Ki writes clickbait lollololol hahaha", that's fine because evidently it's true. The only criticism I take personally is "you don't get out much, you're not living your life. You write clickbait." Alright, fair. But just because I write clickbait for the internet, doesn't mean I do nothing with my life. Not me personally because I really don't do anything with my life, but I'm just saying. Don't assume someone doesn't do anything for their life just because they work on the internet. I forgot where I was going with this.

Anyway, I'm going to use this opportunity to highlight the first article I ever wrote. Don't worry, I won't post the whole thing:

Quote:

With the release date of Pokémon Sun and Moon creeping ever closer day by day, there have been a fair share of news articles and little tid bits about what we can expect to see with the game as a whole. Whether it’s new Pokémon, or new things happening to old Pokémon, there are obviously a lot of things we can look forward to in the new Pokémon title by Game Freak.

If you’re unfamiliar with how the new releases work nowadays, Game Freak likes to tease us with more news throughout the coming weeks that near closer and closer to the final release date. Whether it’s focusing on the new Pokémon we can expect to see in the upcoming release, or again, new things that happen to the Pokémon we already know and love, multiple websites and articles will comment on that and they let us know whether the rumors or facts are indeed true, or debunked. However, with Pokémon Sun and Moon nearing so close every day, the facts that have been received so far are more true than not, and I would like to discuss with you the top 15 reasons why we should be excited for a new Pokémon release. Granted, there are a lot of reasons that we can look forward to this release, so narrowing it down to 15 isn’t giving the game enough credit. I know one thing is for sure, come November 18, I’ll be enjoying alongside most other people in the world the new release that is sure to be something to remember for years to come.
Top 15 Things To Look Forward To In Pokémon Sun & Moon - TheRichest

About a few weeks ago, I went and looked back at that article, and to this day it's still the best article I've ever written. Over the past couple months, I've both exhausted my ability to come up with anything creative or worth reading, and although some of my articles have done really well, a lot of them haven't. And my editors know that. It's a weird place to be because I really want to keep doing what I'm doing, but I don't feel like its enough. To put it in perspective, there are people who have 3 or 4 articles only and already have 1m+ views on their articles. I have almost 40 and I'm just on the edge of 1m views. I don't really know if that matters or not, but maybe I need to really rethink what I find interesting and figure out what other people want to read.

Of course, that comes with some problems as well. I want to come off as passionate and show that I love the work I do. And honestly I really do. But sometimes it feels more like work and less like a passion. Simultaneously I understand that it takes work to make a passion grow, and perhaps once I hit my 1m views i'll feel better. There's no doubt that I'm successful, my bank could back me up on that one. For me, there seems to always be a voice in the back of my head saying "you can do better. you're not good enough. you're a piece of ****." I tried to talk to my mom about it but unfortunately it didn't really make me feel better.

While I'm doing this, it's been pretty evident at this forum specifically that I'm having an ongoing conflict with my mind and my words. Which unfortunately prompts me to speak out when unwanted and I come off looking like a psycho. I'm not denying I'm a psycho, but just understand why that is.

Anyway, if you wanna read my work, I post updates all the time, and you can find all my articles here:

Robert Baccetti Articles - TheRichest

Trollheart 12-07-2016 12:44 PM

Now you've got it! :thumb: As Batty say, **** the rules. Write about what you want to write about. It's far more fun.

Tristan_Geoff 12-07-2016 01:08 PM

I think this journal was what we needed currently. I applaud you for making it and I'm very interested in keeping up with it.

Tristan_Geoff 12-07-2016 01:14 PM

Oh my fuck bullet ball is depressing

Key 12-07-2016 02:05 PM

Thanks guys. Means a lot, honestly. New post will go up later today.

ChelseaDagger 12-07-2016 02:05 PM

I'd be willing to read this if you'd be willing to type it in JRR Tolkien format. You'd make a more relatable hobbit than human.

Key 12-07-2016 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChelseaDagger (Post 1779673)
I'd be willing to read this if you'd be willing to type it in JRR Tolkien format. You'd make a more relatable hobbit than human.

I could try.

Key 12-07-2016 03:29 PM

https://scontent.fsnc1-5.fna.fbcdn.n...4a&oe=58FB9C9E
Life: Part 1

There are times in a given day where I wonder what it'd be like if I were no longer here. Sometimes it seems like the only way to truly feel what it'd be like is to off myself. But my inner me tells me not to. Now why is that? It's pretty simple: I have something to live for. But are those things worth living for really worth living for? There are 4 or 5 separate things I think about on a daily basis, and 99% of the time, my mind doesn't stray from those 4 or 5 things. They are as follows:

-Think about the guilt I feel about the fact that my ex lives on the street and I keep seeing them at the most inopportune times. I don't have any lingering feelings for her, but I've been told that it's completely normal to feel this way. I've gone through this before with my older brother who is also in the same position. Part of my mind continues to think "i wonder what it's like living on the street in the cold" and another part of me is "they made their bed, they can lay in it."
-Should I go out today and look for a 40 hour job and use it for the sole purpose of keeping me busy and nothing else. I do a lot of sitting at home in fear of going outside that I'm at the point where I can't converse with people because I'm basically socially retarded at this point.
-How is my cat doing and is he as spoiled as he can be? When I wake up, I get my coffee, and I sit with my cat for about an hour before I get the motivation to continue with my day, which evidently never happens as I'm in the same place I've been in for nearly half a year.
-Write an article for work. Then get to the author page and feel depressed at the lack of progress I made. At that point I'm so demotivated that I turn my computer off and crawl into bed for the rest of the day. When this happens, I sit in bed for over half the day until it's bedtime, then I fall asleep.

I repeat this pretty much every day, and each thing I choose to think about, I get depressed. Which evidently leads to me coming onto this forum and going off on people for no reason. Then of course that leads me to leave the site and come back a week later. Of course, that just leads back into the circle I've inadvertently created for myself. It's a dangerous cycle and those lucky enough to have their life figured out at my age make me both jealous and apathetic.

There are also times in my life (albeit more recently) where I've considered jumping out of a 3 story window and ending it there. But I don't. I have a lot to live for, at least that's what I like to believe. When written down on paper however, you'd have difficulty finding anything in my life that's worth living for. No girlfriend, no love life whatsoever, no aspirations, no degree, no end goal. I have a cat and click-bait. Pathetic right?

Here's the deal: I live in a family and have lived in this family where it's nothing but success stories and getting somewhere in life early on. Most (or I should say 99%) of my family had their lives figured out before they were 21 or 22. They were done with college or close to it, they had the jobs they wanted and have been happy since then. I on the other hand am 25 and don't see my life getting better until the day I die. The thing is, I can't stress about it because I don't want to die thinking I stressed too much. But it's rather difficult when the rest of the family you live in is based on success stories and living life to the fullest. When I think about that, I get into a state of depression and don't bother pressing forward. Again, it's part of that vicious circle i'm in.

The last thing I deal with is people coming up to me or texting me/calling me out on my **** and telling me "just get over it, you're a good guy." You can say that as many times as you want, but it doesn't have any effect on me. I'm the epitome of a piece of ****, and I've treated people like **** in my life to the point where I feel sorry for people that get in contact with me. It's my own doing for feeling this way, I'm aware. It could be as easy as "just getting over it," but I can't do it. People around me are constantly moving, living in their homes, with their loved ones, and their pets. And what do I have? My ****ty music and my cat. Granted, I've been told I have a good way of making music, but I can't stand anything I've made. I know that's part of the self deprecating deal, but I can't get out of it.

All the while, with all of this going through my mind, I manage to do the same exact thing every single day. It's to the point where it's a ritual, and if I stray away from one instance of that ritual, I get anxious and let it defeat me from the inside. The ritual is as follows:
-Wake up
-Turn on TV and watch the episode of "Northernlion plays The Binding of Isaac"
-Drink 2 cups of coffee
-Take my cat for a walk
-Sit on computer and attempt to write
-Receive emails from potential employers, though don't respond as I don't want to stray from the norm.
-Go to TheRichest and try to write. Fail. Turn off computer.
-Go into house, make lunch, come back into room, get in bed, and waste the day.
-Go to sleep.
-Repeat daily.

That pretty much sums it up for now. That's it for Part 1. Part 2 coming soon.

The Batlord 12-07-2016 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki (Post 1779632)
I do indeed write clickbait articles for millions of people on the internet.

Your profile says you haven't cracked even a million views yet. Liar.

Edit: Well in light of Ki's last post I guess I look like a bit of a douche.

Paedantic Basterd 12-07-2016 05:31 PM

I support your use of the Journals forum as an outlet, but I'm depressed enough on my own and I don't think reading your journal would be healthy for me. :)

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard 12-07-2016 05:44 PM

Ki :(

ChelseaDagger 12-07-2016 05:50 PM

You should start going on walks, or start working out. Maybe do a random good deed a day to change your outlook and shift up your habits.

Key 12-07-2016 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChelseaDagger (Post 1779775)
You should start going on walks, or start working out. Maybe do a random good deed a day to change your outlook and shift up your habits.

That's pretty much what I do every day. Doesn't help much hut at least I'm in shape.

Trollheart 12-07-2016 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paedantic Basterd (Post 1779743)
I support your use of the Journals forum as an outlet, but I'm depressed enough on my own and I don't think reading your journal would be healthy for me. :)

One word: catharsis. I think this will be good for Ki, and it will also give those who might not be cutting him any or much slack (including me) to get a better handle on what he's going through. But it is intensely personal, so kudos to you Ki for being brave enough to put this out there. I hope it helps you in the long run.

Tristan_Geoff 12-07-2016 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki (Post 1779703)
There are also times in my life (albeit more recently) where I've considered jumping out of a 3 story window and ending it there. But I don't. I have a lot to live for, at least that's what I like to believe. When written down on paper however, you'd have difficulty finding anything in my life that's worth living for. No girlfriend, no love life whatsoever, no aspirations, no degree, no end goal. I have a cat and click-bait. Pathetic right?

Wrong! You have friends like me and Qwertyy <3

Mondo Bungle 12-07-2016 06:28 PM

I gave up on my "personal" journal since no one cares but I still think it's cool to do, so this is nice to be here.

Key 12-07-2016 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart (Post 1779806)
One word: catharsis. I think this will be good for Ki, and it will also give those who might not be cutting him any or much slack (including me) to get a better handle on what he's going through. But it is intensely personal, so kudos to you Ki for being brave enough to put this out there. I hope it helps you in the long run.

It's been helping me a lot actually. There are things I won't go public with but a lot of what will be here could and will be tough to read. But at some point I gotta release it. Happy to see support.

The Batlord 12-07-2016 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mondo Bungle (Post 1779808)
I gave up on my "personal" journal since no one cares but I still think it's cool to do, so this is nice to be here.

What are you talking about? We love that ****.

Key 12-07-2016 06:53 PM

https://scontent.fsnc1-5.fna.fbcdn.n...4a&oe=58FB9C9E
Life: Part 2 (Self Discovery and Struggles)

There are plenty of people who may not be surprised to find out that I suffer from things that are within my own control to find the source of cure, but unfortunately with the lack of motivation, I deal with it. I've been told i'm bipolar and suffer a real taste of depression (no surprise). However, I also recently found out that I share a lot of qualities for someone that has aspergers syndrome. Basically what this means (and this doesn't necessarily flow into the forum) is that I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Which is part in due to my social awkwardness.

Let me tell you a story about Christmas a few years ago. Perhaps this was the worst thing I've ever done and I've yet to recover from it: Prior to literally a few months ago, there was a long time where our family was fighting with my older brothers girlfriend to see my nephew (my parents grandson, etc etc.) During this time, my older brother (who was sober) was doing everything he could to get the family on his side. Unfortunately until recently things were going great, he was going to get legal custody from her, and my nephew was going to live with my parents. Well, unfortunately for my older brother he is an addict, so he ended up living on the streets and dealing heroin instead of trying to get his son back. At this point, my family was pretty much done with him, and luckily we're able to see my nephew now because my older brothers ex has been cooperating since we're all dealing with his addiction. Anyway, back to the story. During the Christmas holiday, my older brother came over to my parents place, and so did I. As we were opening gifts, something was brought up in the sense of me losing someone's trust or whatever, and I blurted out "well no wonder your son doesn't love you." Bare in mind, this was at the peak of time where everyone was missing my older brothers son a lot. So you can only imagine the amount of shame I brought onto myself. Not to mention my parents, my siblings, my cousins, and my grandparents were in the room when I said it. Even though my older brother has forgiven me for that, I can never forgive myself. I think about that all the time because honestly, I wish I could go back to that day and keep myself from saying it.

I'm not saying the above was a result of aspergers. I'm saying I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and people with aspergers syndrome or any development disorders play into this type of thing. This is only a fraction of an example of why I've been led to believe I have this. Also not forgetting that my younger brothers girlfriend works at a mental institution of sorts, and my daily routines and behaviors fit that of someone who suffers from this ordeal.

Anyway, long story short. I have a problem with communication, and instead of thinking things through, I blurt things out. For whatever reason, if I don't get a say in something whether it's to start an argument or whatever, I get anxious. It's almost as if I'm trying to make myself be the center of attention so that I feel more depressed (enough to crawl back into my room and be alone). It's probably something to do with my defensive behavior not working the way it always has. Also keep in mind that during that Christmas specifically, it was at a point where I was working all the time, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown due to everything with my ex going on at that time. I hadn't moved out of my apartment yet, but she wasn't at Christmas that year. She was instead at home getting wasted without my supervision. So you can only imagine what I came home to. Yes, several bottles of liquor spread across the floor, and her passed out at the laptop I bought her a year prior.

What I'm mostly trying to get across here is that I really don't have much control over the way I react to arguments or criticism, so I go to what I know best and that is to be on the defensive and react to it accordingly. I apologize in advance if I've ever done this to any of you. Evident through the fact that every time I start a ****storm, I immediately PM that person or I apologize to them directly in the forum. You've seen me do it several times. I think part of that is why I always say not to take the things I say too seriously, because more than 90% of the time, I really have no idea what I'm starting or doing until it's too late.

If there is any doubt at this point, I do my best to keep myself from thinking things that bring me down, and honestly it's not as simple as "just think positive." I can't do that, especially this year. I mean...let's be honest, 2016 hasn't been a great year, and for me specifically, I've lashed out at people because of what I've gone through. I know i'm not the one person going through ****, but this was the year that my entire life fell apart. It was as if the years prior to this year were preparing me for the ****storm that was to occur. Pretty soon hopefully I'll be able to bring together enough thought to talk about how I was raised and give you an idea of certain things I've never gone public with in order to throw forward some understanding as to why I behave the way I do. Until that point, I appreciate you guys reading these posts, and a part 3 of my life will be posted soon. I'm hoping to have it focus on my earlier years.

Key 12-07-2016 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tristan Geoff (Post 1779807)
Wrong! You have friends like me and Qwertyy <3

Oh no I know that. I want to really stress that I'm writing these things because they've been on my mind for god knows how long and even if people don't read it, it's some place for me to feel like the words are being seen. Which on its own is enough to feel good about it.

Tristan_Geoff 12-07-2016 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mondo Bungle (Post 1779808)
I gave up on my "personal" journal since no one cares but I still think it's cool to do, so this is nice to be here.

? It got universal appraise??

Isn't that the opposite of no one cares?

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard 12-07-2016 09:29 PM

I'm glad to see you're getting this stuff off your chest Ki, and I hope it's able to help you figure some stuff out. You know we'll always be here for you. Regardless of how much trolling and bickering goes on, you're a friend to us all.

Key 12-07-2016 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Qwertyy (Post 1779937)
I'm glad to see you're getting this stuff off your chest Ki, and I hope it's able to help you figure some stuff out. You know we'll always be here for you. Regardless of how much trolling and bickering goes on, you're a friend to us all.

Thanks brother man! :beer:

Blank. 12-07-2016 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki (Post 1779837)
There are plenty of people who may not be surprised to find out that I suffer from things that are within my own control to find the source of cure, but unfortunately with the lack of motivation, I deal with it. I've been told i'm bipolar and suffer a real taste of depression (no surprise). However, I also recently found out that I share a lot of qualities for someone that has aspergers syndrome. Basically what this means (and this doesn't necessarily flow into the forum) is that I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Which is part in due to my social awkwardness.

I was diagnosed with aspergers in the second grade. If you want to talk about the syndrome just PM me.

Mondo Bungle 12-07-2016 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tristan Geoff (Post 1779849)
? It got universal appraise??

Isn't that the opposite of no one cares?

I dunno, never got too many replies http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...istortion.html

That'd be the main all encompassing journal of mine but my entries would slowly diminish. It was too scattered anyway

Key 12-08-2016 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1blankmind (Post 1780037)
I was diagnosed with aspergers in the second grade. If you want to talk about the syndrome just PM me.

I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks man :)

Mondo Bungle 12-08-2016 12:47 AM

The travel journal is pretty cut and dry stuff. I know you guys like that one but it's not all that emotionally personal and angsty. Despite being called Mega Angst

Lucem Ferre 12-08-2016 12:50 AM

Interesting thread. I can relate to a lot of it.

You ever thought of seeing a counselor? Perhaps getting put on anti-anxiety medicine?

Trollheart 12-08-2016 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mondo Bungle (Post 1780038)
I dunno, never got too many replies http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...istortion.html

That'd be the main all encompassing journal of mine but my entries would slowly diminish. It was too scattered anyway

Mondo, it's not about replies. You need to look at views, that's where you see who's actually reading. I think something like less than one percent of people comment in a journal, but that's no indication of interest. Most people just like to read. And yes, you're a really good writer and your journals always attract attention and interest.

djchameleon 12-08-2016 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChelseaDagger (Post 1779775)
You should start going on walks, or start working out. Maybe do a random good deed a day to change your outlook and shift up your habits.

This part specifically, if you can muster up enough strength to go outside. Look into doing volunteer work. It will give you something to take your mind off of your current situation while helping others which in turn helps you ou because you feel good doing things for other people.

Key 12-08-2016 10:05 AM

I wasn't under the impression that writing this type of journal meant I needed a counselor or help.

Key 12-08-2016 11:05 AM

http://i.imgur.com/6WscLzD.jpg
Life: Part 3 (Anxiety)

I know the first thing that comes to mind when someone says they have anxiety: "you're just saying that because everyone else on my Facebook page is saying that." Do I really seem like the kind of person to self diagnose myself because of something I read on Facebook? If you do think that, you don't know me well enough. I do suffer from anxiety disorder and have suffered with it for a better part of my life. My dad has had to deal with it, and it runs through my family like a cold sore. The thing I've learned from going public with that type of thing is people are so quick to judge those with it because they themselves feel that person isn't being entirely truthful.

Here's the deal, I don't do enough research on the topic to really understand what anxiety stems from or where it comes from, but all I know from my own experience is that I fit every single quality of someone that has anxiety. And for people to up and say something so simple as "just get some help", you really don't have any idea what that makes someone with anxiety think about. I'll give you a bit of taste:

Person 1: Get some help
Person 2: Why? Is something wrong with me? Should I just end it now and be done?
Person 1: Get some help
Person 2: Well **** how am I going to work up the courage to call a doctor and schedule an appointment. I don't like talking on the phone. And how am I going to get to the doctor on time. Hopefully they can see me as well. I'd hate to schedule it then find out they wanted to reschedule it. What are my parents going to think? How am I going to pay for it? well ****, I shouldn't bother I guess.

The above is a bit of an exaggeration I admit, but that should give you an idea of what types of things go through my head when I simple told "get help." Believe it or not, that type of attitude does more bad than good.

To help you understand further, I've been to therapy. Multiple times in fact. And guess what, it never worked. Every single time I saw a therapist, I always felt like I was being judged which prompted me to not be completely open with the therapist. I know they're there to help, but somewhere in my mind I can't process the fact that they truly want to help me out. This has been a common occurrence and I finally got to the point where I felt self discovery was far more important than taking pills to beat away the psychological pain.

I've been through my fair share of traumatizing events in my life. I know, who hasn't? But I'm saying that not to excuse my anxious qualities, but to put further into perspective the demons I fight on a daily basis. I fight with them so often that they've obviously become something I can deal with on a day to day basis. I'm not here to convince you as to whether or not I'm ****ed up or not. Honestly, I couldn't care less if you think I'm full of ****. I know what's wrong with me. That's a lot more than most people can say.

I do plan to talk about some events in my life that some would cringe at, but it's something I really don't mind going public with. So before you read forward, please bare in mind that this isn't something to be taken lightly. I'm being very careful with how I word what I'm about to word, because I feel that people will be so quick to judge if I don't. So here we go: Back in my early teen years, hell I would say it was before I was a teenager, I was molested by my teenage male neighbor that lives up the street from where my parents live (where I currently call home.) I blocked out a lot about what had happened because that's what my mind instantly went to. I saw a therapist for it shortly after it happened, but bare in mind I had to work up enough courage to tell my parents about what happened. At that point, I was terrified to say anything. Even with the amount of therapy I received for it, I firmly believe it has played a huge role in my personal development. I can't hold a steady sexual relationship with any person because I don't want that person to feel the way I felt the first time I ever experienced anything remotely like it. I had opportunities to be in relationships with people prior to my first actual girlfriend, but I ruined it because I could never really put out my feelings for a person. I do firmly believe that I've lost a lot of potential long time relationships because of my own ignorance, and I really don't want to hurt someone with my own personal emotional insecurities. I've had crushed in high school, and after, but every time I get that close to someone, I shut down. Even if I can see the signs that the other person cares enough about me to be in a relationship, I fail to put forward that I feel the same. I just shrug it off or joke about it until they drop the topic altogether.

Of course, I know this plays into being the loner that I am, but I feel that being in a relationship is now just a waste of my time. At some point, I'll mature out of it.

ChelseaDagger 12-08-2016 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki (Post 1780098)
I wasn't under the impression that writing this type of journal meant I needed a counselor or help.

We can always go back to making fun of you, if you prefer :D

Edit: in my defense, I posted this before Ki's update.

Key 12-08-2016 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChelseaDagger (Post 1780110)
We can always go back to making fun of you, if you prefer :D

I more-so meant it wasn't my original intention behind making this journal. I'm using it as a space to be open about things I've kept locked up. I don't expect people to take to it, and I certainly don't expect people to understand it. I'm not really looking for help, I'm just looking to empty my mind.

djchameleon 12-08-2016 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki (Post 1780112)
I more-so meant it wasn't my original intention behind making this journal. I'm using it as a space to be open about things I've kept locked up. I don't expect people to take to it, and I certainly don't expect people to understand it. I'm not really looking for help, I'm just looking to empty my mind.

I get that but because we actually care about you on some level. It's instinctual for people that care about you to offer up advice/suggestions and help.

Key 12-08-2016 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by djchameleon (Post 1780124)
I get that but because we actually care about you on some level. It's instinctual for people that care about you to offer up advice/suggestions and help.

That's fine. I wasn't saying not to offer it, just saying it's not what I'm looking for.

Mondo Bungle 12-08-2016 02:12 PM

I never know if it's cool or not

Key 12-08-2016 04:47 PM

http://i67.tinypic.com/27yom1g.jpg
Me vs Relationships

It may sound weird, but I have a love/hate relationship with...well...relationships. I know I'm not entirely experienced and I really don't have much to say given my failure of the 3.5 year relationship that ended in absolute chaos. I absolutely love to hear about people finding their loved ones and getting married and starting a family. That is what life is about isn't it? Well, my hate for the whole ordeal comes from my own insecurity and the fact that I'm a firm believer of there not being someone out there for everybody.

I know somehow religiously or otherwise, people seem to think that we were all put onto this earth to find our other half. And y'know, I've had my close encounters with several people that I truly believed were my other half, but as you probably read from my last entry, I'm not very good at going anywhere past a crush. What I mean by that is that I've never really learned how to ask anyone out, or how to tell if the feelings our mutual between myself and someone else. This results in me giving up on the idea altogether and watching as my previous crushes enjoy their new relationships. That's fine and all and I'm always going to be happy for them for finding happiness of their own, but back in my mind I always wonder what life would be like had I grown the balls to be the guy they're with.

I've been told I'm someone people can trust and I'm someone most people would love to be with. But my own insecurities and unwillingness to allow someone else to live in the emotional distress I live with takes over. I am absolutely 100% to blame for not allowing myself to give into a relationship, and I know I need to fix that, otherwise I'll be 40 years old living in a 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. And y'know, that wouldn't sound so bad if I wasn't constantly surrounding by people that are happy and in a relationship.

Again, I want to stress that I have no distaste for people finding happiness and growing a family, but I really just can't see myself in that life. And I know why that is. Am I really looking to fix it? Not really. I mean, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I'm in a relationship. I know what it takes to keep a relationship strong, and I really don't want to put that much attention into it when I personally wouldn't want to be the person dating me. I can't be selfish.

If you're happy, invite me to your wedding. I'll support you 100%. If you're unhappy with your current relationship, I'll help you through it and figure out a way out. I won't use my own personal experience as I now feel that what I did was a completely scumbag alternative, and I could have been way smarter. The result of me being an enormous dick through my break up caused me to lose connections to friends and evidently led to my own loneliness.

Mondo Bungle 12-08-2016 05:05 PM

I'll bring stuff back if you really think so. It's also a matter of how tedious it is to type long things


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